High School for the Blind elects one-eyed Junior prom king.

COLUMBUS, OH — Thanks to an unfortunate run-in with a solar eclipse, seven-year old Zakary Wheaton was sticken completely blind in his right eye, and nearly blind in his left.

Now, a decade later, Zak's experiencing a entirely new moment in the sun.

Promdemonim! from 2012's Spring Fling.

Fellow students at the Columbus Academy of the Blind voted the Wheaton as their official 2013 Spring Fling Promenade King. Zak's diminished sight qualifies him for attendance at the Columbus Academy for the Blind, which is specially designed and staffed to accomodate the needs for the visually impaired.

This being the annual Spring Promenade for the Columbus Academy for the Blind,  wrist corsages are all the rage, and gentlemen's walking sticks pull double-duty.  "One-Eyed Zak", as his friends call him, hopes he can fulfill his royal duties with grace and aplomb.

"Zak is just a real cool honcho. He doesn't even try to make us feel bad about having at least one eye that's like 20/80 vision or that he can wink at non-blind girls or anything." offered sightless classmate Justin Traber.

Wheaton won 91% of the vote, which was the first of its kind at the school.

"I've let my fingers do the judging, and Zak is a total hottie. I'm one lucky girl."  said senior cheerleader and 2013 Prom Queen Courtney Swallows-Cox. "Last year I ended up with a total dog. Not the seeing-eye variety, either."

Local family is absolutely adorable.

PICKERINGTON, OH – Various sources confirmed what the McMillan family of Pickerington already knew … their family is totally adorable.

“We recently had an addition to the family, baby Max here.” Janice McMillan said, pulling the corner of a blanket away to reveal newborn Maxwell McMillan suckling at his mother’s breast. “I put a few pictures of him up on Facebook the day after he was born and the likes just started pouring in.”

“We had 72 likes in total.” Proud papa Tom McMillan said, reviewing the Facebook comments on his phone. “20 friends said he was beautiful. A full 18 called him gorgeous, and an overwhelming majority said our family is just adorable. There was only one negative comment … yes, here it is. A friend of mine from college said, “It looks like he’s half-black or something. Didn’t you say you heard the back door slam when you came home early from work about nine months ago?" Very funny, Chuck. It’s probably just the bilirubin.”

“Before we were just a cute couple.” Janice quickly jumped in. “Now by all accounts we’re absolutely adorable. Thanks, everyone!" 

Soul food restaurant leaves Afro-taste.

Open almost every day!

HEATH, OH – Some incredible chicken and waffles were nearly ruined yesterday at Heath’s newest “soul food” restaurant when a curly hair tickled the throat of lunch patron Ronald Smith.

“I hope to God it was from someone’s head and not … you know.” Smith said between dry-heaves. “The food, though, was AMAZING … if you like the kinds of things black people like to eat, which, as a very progressive white male I do.”

It’s rare for a restaurant to have food so good you could eat a hair off the cook’s head and/or genital region and still recommend it to your own mother, so give the ALMOST GOURMET SOULFOOD RESTAURANT a try. It’s not quite gourmet—probably because of the hair. Just teasing! 

Open almost every day, Monday thru Saturday, Noon to 11PM.

Area man has gluten allergy-allergy.

COLUMBUS, OH - Joseph Webb, 55, doesn’t want to be defined by his People With Gluten Allergy-Allergy.

“I’m a regular person." He says. "I just have an intolerance for people who are intolerant of wheat products and won’t shut the fuck up about it.”

Allergic to the allergic.

Webb is referring to Celiac Disease. You’ve probably heard of it—most likely after you offered someone who suffers from it a beer, chips, or god-forbid, a piece of bread. That person probably then went on to tell you more than you ever needed or wanted to know about the disease and the symptoms it triggers, symptoms that must be talked about, often with total strangers. Abdominal bloating, vomiting, constipation, and everyone’s favorite, chronic diarrhea! 

Trust us, they could go on.

People who suffer from Celiac Disease cannot tolerate gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley. It prompts an immune response that damages the villi, the fingerlike protrusions that line the small intestine. For more information about Celiac Disease, offer someone who suffers from it a cracker.

For Joe Webb and others like him, dealing with people who can’t deal with gluten can cause irritation, a spike in blood-pressure, uncontrollable laughter and flatulence. 

“I’m a people-person, just not a people with gluten allergy-person.” Webb admitted. “I’ll be like, hey, who wants to go grab a beer? It’s Friday. Been a long week. And they’ll be all, ‘Oh, I’d love to but I have CELIAC DISEASE! Let me tell you about it until you lose your appetite and/or want to kill yourself.’”

Neighbor hoisted by his own retard.

MOUNT VERNON, OH — Fred Van der Koop had enough of his pesky neighbor Joseph Perzcynski.

"I've had enough of my pesky neighbor Joseph Perzcynski."

Van der Koop claims Perzcynski violated his yard's sovereignty several times last summer with "rogue mowing and fertilizing" and "unsanctioned weeding."

"I was just trying to help the guy out ... he's got a lot on his plate with his son, and well, I thought I'd keep our side of the yard trimmed up so he could tend to other, more important things. " 61-year-old Perzcynski admitted. "I thought he got the kolachi and note of apology we left on his doorstep."

Undeterred, the internet-savvy Van Der Koop read 'somewhere' that the mentally disabled are often known to have the strength of nearly ten men. Thus, he decided to employ his developmentally-challenged son, Todd in a complex revenge plot to humiliate Perzcynski.

"Todd's crazy chimp strength was to finally come in handy. All of those years, spent helmeted and alone, he would find his true purpose." Van der Koop beamed.

Van der Koop's plan was to have Todd grab Perzcynski and hang him from a hook on his front porch, like a human hanging basket, visible to all who passed by, after luring him to his front door with a highly-conspicuous dog turd in Perzcynski's front yard.

"First, I had to get a dog. And then, obviously, a dog turd from said dog."

Perzcynski was to also wear a sign that read "Tresstpasser"(sic), like a scarlet letter of self-incrimination.

The plan backfired when Todd realized what he was about to do. Like Darth Vader hurling Emperor Palpatine down the Death Star reactor shaft, Todd instead grabbed his father and, using his robust simian/imbecile hybrid strength, placed Van Der Koop himself on the newly-installed hook.

Van Der Koop was left hanging eight and a half feet above the ground, dangling, the hand scrawled sign about his sagging neck for nearly three hours before his ex-wife Sharlene stopped by to check on their son.

What Van der Koop did not know is that "those stupid Polacks" have been inviting Todd over for weekly prayer meetings, movie nights, and the traditional Sunday serving of Marie Perzcynski's delicious homemade golumpki — showing Todd the love and respect he so badly yearns for from his own father.

"We treated Todd as a normal person. He's a sweet boy, really, and his father should recognize that, despite his learning disabilities, he's shown remarkable growth since we've gotten to know him." said Marie. "Joe-Joe even showed him how to use the jigsaw in his basement workshop. Todd couldn't wait to surprise his dad with a hand-crafted bathroom newspaper rack."

Fred Van der Koop has certainly learned his lesson.

"Just like Fred Williamson said in that Vietnam movie ... never go full retard."

Okay, so Fred Van Der Koop hasn't learned his lesson.

Heterosexuals trapped in same-sex marriage.

HILLIARD, OHIO — Corey and Dana Voorhees have been married for nine years.

Their relationship, which started out great, has now reached a point of coital stagnation. "We just keep having the same sex ... over and over." said Corey. Or Dana.

The 'same sex' often involves very routine and monotonous intimate experiences. Dana or Corey recently tried—in vain—to spice things up in the bedroom.

Corey or Dana admitted "I suggested the three-way, the five-way, the sister-in-law, the Duchess of Pork, the Saturday Night Special, the Curbside Service, the Sommelier, The Human Oreo, The Fire Island Ferry(sic),  The Genoa Salami, the Hammaker Schlemmer, and of course, the Back Door Santa.  Nothing worked. I never realized I married a Puritan."

Dana or Corey's reluctance to pursue more daring sexual exploits has left the relationship at a standstill.  The future remains uncertain.

The couple in happier times.

The couple are often confused as a true same-sex couple, but they're not. Corey or Dana is a man and Dana or Corey is a woman.

"I remember college. Wow. What people wouldn't do.  They were always up for a good time. From the International Friendly to the Shreveport Shuffle." Dana or Corey recalled.

That was all before Corey met Dana, or Dana met Corey, or ... someone met someone else.  Frankly, your reporter has lost track. And interest.

Now all Corey or Dana can do is reminisce about wilder, youthful nights spent in the company of others, performing Der Komissar, the Hat Trick, the Goal Line Stand, the Yertle the Turtle, the Sand Wedge, the Backwards Haberdasher, the Elephant Man, the Golden Sombrero, and, if the mood was right, the Cosby Sweater.

Alexander Skarsgård is so turning me on right now.

SUBJECT: Spontaneous Celebrity-Fueled Arousal
COMMONTATOR: Missy Sepasko, Part-Time Scandinavian Starf*cker, Full-Time Co-Owner of Fauxto Finish Nail Salon.

Oh my God. Stop it. Just stop.  I'm trying to work here! Jeez. Oh boy, I'm just so ... excited right now. It's like he's here. He's always here. I can feel the hairs on my neck stand up, for chrissakes! 

I'm not even watching True Blood. I'm not watching anything! I'm not even looking at a picture. Not even the shirtless one on my cell phone, which, I left in my stupid car!

Ugh! Alexander Skarsgård is so turning me on right now.

I know, I know, like about a billion other red-blooded women out there.  He's probably doing something really sexy right now ... like ... sleeping. Or walking. 

Oh,damn. I think I need a smoke break. Damnit. I quit smoking three years ago. 

Let's face it. Life isn't fair. I'm not ashamed of this. I know you want me to be. You really do, but it's not going to work.  Yes, my inner thighs are quivering. No, I'm not going to do that down there.  Maybe later. After work. In the tub.  Sorry, I know ... TMI. 

I don't know how to do this anymore. It's just there, like, almost all the time. It's like an itch you can never really scratch.  He can see me from, like, a thousand miles away. How does he do it? Is it because he's from Iceland*? Maybe because it's cold outside makes them always warm on the inside. I don't know. Look. Now I'm just rambling. I know, I'm my face is red. I can tell. 

You know what? He's actually making me a little mad, too. I mean, what right does he have to ... do ... that. You know, that thing. Living. Flaunting his hotness like that.  Walking around places like New York City in a windbreaker. A windbreaker! 

Oh. F me. I'm balling my toes up in my ballet flats! 

I really need a drink, but this mall is run by Jehovah's Witnesses or something.  Christ. Sorry. There used to be a Ruby Tuesday's on the corner, but I think it's an iHop or something now.  

Ugh. I need to think about something else, like Glee. That doesn't turn me on at all! 

* — Actor Alexander Skarsgård is from Sweden.

Area Man not actually from area.

Man about town, county, or state. 

HEATH, OH — Local editors are perplexed as to why they referred to Rick Monroe—of Fort Wayne, Indiana—as Area Man in a recent story instead of the more appropriate term "regional man."

Editorial standards for geographic proximity can vary in specificity from market to market, but a general consensus of news sources use Area Man when the man in question lives within 30 miles of the city limits. Anything beyond that triggers more apt descriptors like Regional Man or in the case of The Ledger — Ohio Man.

Reporter Jack Fang uncovered the tame reason for the error. "He was staying with his cousin, Steve, who everyone refers to as an Area Man."

Monroe has only been in the news once before — in an Indianapolis Star story about a bestiality sting on a local, err, area farm, and was referred to vaguely as "Fort Wayne Man."

Monroe, when contacted about the mistake, became highly agitated.

"Wait, are you calling yourselves local editors? As far as I'm concerned you're regional editors! And I'm Rick Anthony Monroe, not Rick Andrew Monroe, who was the horse sex prowler!"

Monroe's brother Steve reluctantly admitted to the Ledger that he was more of an areola man himself.

'The Safety Dance' finally ends years of disco-related injuries.

Canadian New Wave band Men Without Hats release catchy single "The Safety Dance" to low interest.  However, months later, song soars to Number 3 on the Hot Billboard charts. "This is a breakthrough for me" exclaimed disco enthusiast Dale Groggins. "No more groin pulls or twisted knees!."