Thursday, April 18

Ball in garage will show owner who’s “soft.”

WESTERVILLE, OHIO –  A ball in the garage for 15 years is tired of being called soft and is planning to one day exact sweet vengeance.
Ball in garage - circa 2003

“Get the softball. Where’s the softball? Let’s go hit the softball … I’ve heard every insult for the last 15 years.” The slightly warped ball said using Ballese-to-English translation technology. 

“Thanks to the family dog, my stitching has been loosened.” The ball continued, the start of something like a mouth forming at its seams. “One day, my flight will be altered by wind resistance and BLAM! I’ll tick off a glove and bash someone right in the goddamned face … Then we’ll see who’s soft.”

The ball, a normal-looking 12-inch Dudley Thunder SY, has brought great joy to the family over the years. Its owners would be quite surprised to learn of the hostility it harbors.

“The other day he called me yellow.” The ball said. “That was the last straw.”

Monday, April 15

Midget Avenue becomes Little Person Way.

WARWICK, RHODE ISLAND – A small crowd gathered yesterday in a little Rhode Island town to raise a new street sign at the corner of Midget Avenue and Nausauket Road. Residents shouted and clapped as LITTLE PERSON WAY was unveiled.
 “You can turn onto Midget Avenue and take it all the way to the 21st Century!” Richard Walsh of 132 LITTLE PERSON WAY said. “At 5-feet-5, you have no idea how huge this is for me.”

The mayor attended the ceremony, raising a bullhorn to announce with an amplified screech that, “Little Person Way is a giant step forward for little people everywhere.” After fumbling with the bullhorn’s trigger, he then clarified, “At least for you normal-sized residents who live on this street.”

LITTLE PERSON WAY is the result of a years-long fight for change. “We’d finally had enough of people hollering out their car windows if they could wrestle or toss us around a bit. Plus, it’s just not nice.” One person said.

“This is quite inspiring.” Said Hannah Puffin. “I think those of us who live on RETAR DRIVE should take notice.”

Thursday, April 11

Laundry crisis forces area man to deploy pair of 'emergency jeans.'

HEATH, OH — Hank Turnbull knew he was forgetting something.

"I got groceries. Fifteen MegaMillions tickets -- that frikkin' jackpot is up to $346 mil! Smokes. Plug. Gassed up the Aztek."
The County Seat.

Upon a quick peek at the overstuffed garbage bags in the back of the aforementioned Pontiac, it hit him.

What Hank forgot to do was any "God-damned laundry."

As a result, Turnbull is left with little to wear on his lower body for tomorrow's scheduled Tindr date with 38-year old divorced mother of two, Desiree Guardiola. The plan is dinner at the Red Oak Pub, and then perhaps a bowl or two at Park Lanes, depending upon Desiree's profile-claimed case of fibromyalgia.

Without any normal legwear, he plans to deploy what he refers to as 'emergency jeans' and let the chips fall where they may. "Maybe she's into nostalgia. Or irony."

Originally purchased from a now-long-defunct County Seat in the Indian Mound Shopping Center, the pair in question is Lee 101 pleated, high-waisted straight-leg acid wash jeans, size 31-inch waist.

An ongoing methamphetamine habit has Hank back to his high school fighting weight, so he believes the fit shouldn't be a problem.

Turnbull last wore the jeans in a non-necessity situation in February 1993 on stage at the Fraternal Order of Eagles' "Buckeye Battle of the Bands." His band, The Groove Tubes, performed a four-song set of funk-grunge featuring the modest local college radio hit "Work's for Jerks." They finished fourth in voting out of seven bands.

"They looked really good back then. I mean, they probably look good now, too, you know?"

No, Hank, we don't. 

Tuesday, April 9

Woman seeks medical attention for "resting O face."

CANAL WINCHESTER, OH — Elaine Benedetto has had it.

The puzzled stares. The furtive glances. The constant fear of going out in public. The shaming looks of those unfamiliar with her unique and chronic medical condition.

"I ... I ... I really wish ... it ... would ... don't ... stop. Oh. God." Benedetto stammered, trying to explain her discontent.

Benedetto suffers from what medical experts call 'Sedentary Orgasmic Orum" or the more colloquial term "resting O face."

Unlike the more common "resting bitch face", which affects 31% of women (and 83% of gay men), resting O face is characterized by flushed cheeks, brow sweat, fluttering eyes, and the telltale wide open mouth of a human in a moment of climactic bliss.

Resting O face affects just under 3% of women worldwide and less than 1% of men. O face, as defined by Urban Dictionary is "a term used in the movie Office Space to describe the face one makes when achieving orgasm."

Benedetto began struggling with the condition at the age of seventeen.  "My mom had to disconnect our phone. Boys wouldn't leave me alone."

Despite the rising trend in resting O face diagnoses, there is limited advocacy for the condition.  The only known "resting O face" charity group's mission is to raise funds for women who look like Oprah Winfrey to change their appearance.

Friday, April 5

Hey y’all, longtime NASCAR driver Kyle Petty here.
I'm here to talk about our current healthcare crisis. That's right, just because I'm some NASCAR big shot doesn't mean I don't have health issues and problems covering those issues! 

You try turnin' left for four hours and see if you don't get that Carpet Tunnel Syndrome!

Of course, do you think Petty Enterprises would have a Cadillac health plan when all we drive are Pontiac Grand Prixeses and Ford Tauri?

Heck no! We've got bottom-barrel coverage thanks to a certain sibling I shall not name, but it rhymes with Dick!

Now, I don't know about that single payer them uppity coastal types keep talking about — sounds like some Commie plot to make us all trannies or something. I mean, I've already got the Vanessa Hudgens hair, maybe I'll go all the way! NASCAR sure could use a "lady" who actually knows how to drive. I'm lookin' at you, Danica!

That said, I do know we need some smarter solutions to help people afford their healthcare.

I mean, just lookin' at all them coverage options makes my head feel like Dale Earnhardt hittin' a wall! Healthcare coverage may be complicated, but in Level Cross, they make healthcare simple.

Diabetes? Oxycodone or leeches!
Depression? Oxycodone or leeches!
Diverticulitis? Oxycodone or leeches!
Sometimes, they even give the leeches oxycodone and then give you the leeches!

According to that mustache attached to a skinsuit I call a brother, I have to pay for my own Rogaine supplements. Our cut-rate Yankee insurance company has the gall to tell me that a 'slightly receding hairline' had no basis for medical intervention.

Maybe there's a reason Petty is our family name ... just sayin'. 

Wednesday, April 3

Driver executes perfect 37-point turn

BOCA RATON, FL —  Minnie Balotelli, 78, of nearby Whisper Walk executed a successful 37-point turn in the parking lot of the DaVita Boca Raton Artificial Kidney Center on Tuesday.

Balotelli, piloting a low-mileage 2004 Cashmere Metallic Buick Century was at the center to pick up her husband Bennie after a routine six-week checkup.  She completed the daunting task in a little under four minutes—a new personal record. Her previous best was a 24 and 1/2 point turn in five minutes and twelve seconds.

Several onlookers cheered when Balotelli slid the Century onto Northwest 9th Court.

"That lot's a real mare's nest," said Balotelli, mopping her sweat-drenched brow. "I thought I was going to hop the curb."

Bennie, 83, however, was never in doubt of his better half's parking lot prowess. "Ever since the cataracts, Min-Min's been my lady chauffer, if you know what I mean."

Balotelli, who has been behind the wheel since the tender age of 13, first learned to drive on a 1949 Chevrolet 3100s Panel Truck owned by her late father.

"We ran a sausage-delivery business, and that feisty bitch had a twitchy four on the floor and no power steering." Balotelli then caressed the Century's faux-burled-walnut steering wheel. "This sweet ride makes it all look so easy."