Chillicothe, OH - The Church of the Heavenly Ham was formed as an alternative for people who’ve grown disenchanted with today’s “organized” religions, but its purposefully disorganized nature has created more than a few challenges in its first year of operation.

“We have a non-binding set of random principles, plus 10 ‘suggestions’ for living a better, more spiritual life.” Pastor Greg McRoberts said. “Only the Ham of God can take away the sins of the earth … or something like that.”

We asked the church’s ‘Secretary of the Week’ Gladys Smithson how many people were in the congregation. She said, “We don’t really write anything down—evidence or whatever—so only God knows. I’d say like 300 … give or take a couple hundred.”

“What I love most about this place is it’s not your typical crazy right-wing organized religion—with a God, a Jesus, and a loosely defined but all-important Holy Spirit.” Heavenly Ham member Thomas Dawkins said, his wife and children arranged around him like little angels. “We just sit around, shoot the shit, and do whatever we damn-well please. It’s awesome.”

“We may be disorganized, but there’s always ham at the after-service buffet.” Mrs. Dawkins added. “It’s heavenly … or what I imagine heaven would taste like.”

Columbus, OH - Darius Jones pointed to his "Magic" Johnson with pride this afternoon, practically rubbing it in the faces of friends who'd formed a circle around him to get a closer look. 

"Here it is, bitches." Jones said, carefully holding it up with two hands. "A feast for the eyes, no? It's practically flawless, if I do say so myself."

The onlookers gasped with envy, reaching out to touch the "Magic" Johnson.  For a few, it was their first time seeing one up close and personal.

"Easy there, killers." Jones admonished. "I don't want any fingerprints on it. Whoever gets this thing is going to pay--probably through the nose. I'm really going to make it hurt."

If you'd like to bid on Mr. Jones's 1980-81 "Magic" Johnson basketball card, which also features Larry Bird and Jack Sikma, visit ebay.com.

Heath, OH - “You see these markings, here under the neck.” Jim Harrison said examining the neck of the woman he’s 95 percent sure is his long-lost wife. “I think these are from when she tried to kill herself that time.”

Mr. Harrison is ‘95 percent sure’ the woman indentified in hospital records as ‘Jane Doe’ and being thusly examined at General Hospital, is actually Margaret Harrison, a 42-year old woman who disappeared from her Heath area home eight months ago, apparently from an open upstairs window.

“I’m 95 percent sure this is her.” Mr. Harrison repeated. “She had a crazy toenail on her left pinky toe and look,” he exclaimed, holding the unresponsive woman’s foot high in the air. “That right there is one crazy ass toenail. This has to be her. I’m close to 96 percent sure.”

For now ‘Jane Doe’ lies in a vegetative state, having been found unconscious Thursday on the side of the highway with third degree burns on her face, chest and back.

“I’m here, Maggie.” Mr. Harrison whispered lovingly into his supposed wife’s ear, thinking we were out of earshot. “You escaped from me once. But you can be 95 percent sure it won’t happen again.”

Heath, OH - Charles Ewing, 55, wonders why his son can’t just be like a normal person and hang out with people his own age.

“He spends half his time hanging down at the old folks home chasing after old guys and their walkers while his buddies are out chasing tail, bird-dogging.” Ewing says. “I worry about him. That’s all.”

“Jesus. These people, dad, they don’t have anyone.” Charlie Ewing Jr. replied not quite believing his ears. “My visits lift their spirits. You can see it. Besides, I enjoy their company. More than I do yours, you miserable prick.”

“I always thought you might be gay, Charlie … this just proves it.”

“Because I’m helping others? You’ve got some problems, dad.”

“Get your eyes off my crotch!”

Heath, OH – In 1996, local teenager Abe Von Finklesburg decided to devote his life to rap music, a tragic decision compounded by a decision to also adopt the stage name “MC Orange.”

“I didn’t want my enemies on the west side using my name in their lyrics, youknowwhatimsayin?” Orange asked, ignoring eyebrows that said we had no clue what he was saying. “Wiggas be thinkin’ they clever and shit. Well, I’d show those dope-ass muthafuckas … Ain’t nobody’s momma’s name rhyme with no orange, youknowwhatimsayin?”

The west side rappers MC Orange once engaged in lyrical showdowns with have all since moved on — to actual paying jobs, families, prison. These days only Von Finklesburg can be found outside the Corner Grocery waving his arms up and down, “beatboxing,” and mumbling unintelligibly into a balled up fist as microphone.

“The great ones, they always be droppin’ their own names in shit, youknowwhatimsayin?” Orange lamented. “My goal is to find a word that rhymes with orange … I used ‘blorange’ once but people were like, ‘Hold up. What the fuck is a blorange?’”

For now, the best Von Finklesburg can come up with is something along the lines of, “M to the C to the O to the R to the A to the N to the G to the E, motherfucker, THAT’S ME!”

Johannesburg, South Africa — The United States soccer team has announced that forward Landon Donovan will be responsible for bringing 'snack' for the team's upcoming match against Algeria at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

Win, lose or draw, the team gets to enjoy a snack and a drink after every match.  That is, after congratulating the other team and then running through the 'human tunnel' of players' relatives at midfield.

"Herculez (Gomez) is already bringing Capri Sun Black Cherry Roaring Waters. He had to smuggle them on the plane! They're so awesome!" exclaimed goalkeeper Tim Howard.

Midfielder José Torres added: "We're hoping for Oreo Cakesters or Cheez-Its ... hopefully none of that granola bar crap."

Donovan cautioned his mates on expecting too much, saying "Dudes. We're in South Africa. I haven't a clue what I'll be able to get my hands on ... we might be having fried dung beetles for all I know. "

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School 

Heath, OH — Hey guys, Janice here. ZOMG! I can't believe I'm like a regular columnist or whatever. I'm like that really really ancient reporter lady who just got fired for being like Adolph Hilton. But I'm totally cuter, right?

I'm here to talk about History, which I'm like an expert on or whatever. It's not like geometry — which sucks. Wait a minute, my editor might need to edit that out so Mrs. Petry doesn't see it.

History is easy to learn cuz it's already happened or whatever. Anywho, like a long time ago, there was this hairy dude who was running for President back in like the 20th century or whatever. They all called him Tippy Canoe because, well, like, he would never sit down in the canoes when they were canoeing and he would always tip them over and get everyone all wet. He was kind of a jerk, I guess, but the people thought it was kind of funny and they called him that.  His real name was William Harry Henderson, and like I said he was real hairy, and he was the inspiration for that Harry and the Hendersons movie — which I saw on the CW last weekend. It was stupid.

Anyways, the other guy, like his vice president guy was Tyler 2. That's cuz there was another Tyler who was already like the President sometime, or Secretary of the State or something, so he was the second Tyler. They couldn't just say "Hey Tyler, because the other Tyler guy, the first one, would be like 'what?' but then they'd have to say 'no, not you, the other Tyler.'"  It's so confusing because we have two Tylers in my class. Tyler Gates is like, pretty hot and he has Robert Pattinson hair, which is a total bonus. Tyler Diurba is a buttwad who once tried to impregnate my friend Holly by kissing her and then jizzing in a hot tub. True story, but I regress.

So some guy wrote this awesome song (it was like Alejandro at that time or something.)  about them and it got them totally elected to The White House, which was cool I guess.

Anyways — you could totally google this stuff to check it out since it's historical. Also, I'm on Twitter now, so like, follow me or whatever.

Heath, OH — A recently blinded tailor has the greater Heath community up in arms ... with perfectly-styled sleeves!

Edward Semple, 77, owner/operator of Top Kut Tailors on Whatever Street was rendered sightless three months ago by the accidental misuse of Formula 409.  That, he says, was now a blessing in disguise as Top Kut is having it's best year in a long while.

Without the luxury of sight, Semple has relied on a new-found deftness of touch to guide his aged hands. Fifty-two years of experience in tailoring combined with a keen tactility has made Semple the go-to asshole for the community's alterations. Top Kut regular Gerry Rossman agrees:

"He told me I felt a litte Asian in the crotch. At first, I was like 'what the hell does that mean', then I realized he was mocking my manhood."

Rossman was infuriated, that is, until he tried on the newly-fitted pants.

"He sewed in some extra padding, you know ... down there. I've never caught so many ladies' eyes in my life. Thanks jackass blind tailor!"

Top Kut patron Paula Hamilton also initially had doubts about Semple's ability:

"I've added some weight over the winter and I was having him, um, add a little to a dress for an upcoming wedding ... he swept his hands across my 'fupa' and told me 'less pad thai, more tae bo.'"

"I was appalled. I swore I would never return. But darn if that dress didn't fit perfectly ... I got so many complements."

Customers are getting used to the Top Kut routine: Insults before results.

At first, local businessman Grady Landis couldn't believe his ears. "There he is, that old sightless bastard, caressing my buttocks, telling me there's enough cottage cheese in these to feed a third world country — the nerve!"

Now, he can't believe his eyes.

"All I could think was lawsuit! ... Now, three-piece suit."

• New hatless roles await actor after revolutionary procedures.

• Suffers from worst case of hat-head ever seen.

A new era has dawned in Mike O' Malley's acting career.

O'Malley known as much for his signature baseball cap as his 'adequate' comedic acting skills, recently went under the knife to have the hat — which had literally grown into his cranium — removed. 

"The hat was a defense mechanism against my impending baldness, but it actually ended up being a handicap of its own — much like being bald is." admitted O' Malley.

"After the second surgery, all that was left was a yarmulke-sized thing. I was afraid I was going to have to brush up on my Yiddish."  the former stand-up comedian "joked."

All that remains of the legendary Boston Red Sox cap is the button. Additional procedures may allow surgeons to remove it at a later date, but several are skeptical O' Malley will ever be completely free of the symbiotic chapeau.

Head surgeon Dieter Frohm expressed concern "Wearing the hat every day for the past 31 years resulted in the fibers of the hat growing into Mr. O' Malley's cranial tissues. His hair, what was left of it, had assumed an almost cotton-wool blend quality. It's not quite clear that we'll be able to get all of it."

O' Malley, whose credits include the CBS sitcom "Yes, Dear", those ESPN commercials you really liked years ago, and a recent turn on "Glee", is happy to finally be free of the typecasting that has plagued his career.

"No more being  a janitor, mechanic, or retired baseball player. Maybe I'll land a role as a high-profile lawyer."

Maybe you will, Mike. But we sincerely doubt it.

Legislation loaded with pork 'too tired' to play outside.



Columbus, OH — Landmark legislation aimed at tackling the burgeoning waistlines of the state's youth has stalled in the State House of Representatives. 

The bill, stuck in the lower house of the General Assembly, is awaiting further review of its exercise mandate, which is opposed by groups representing teachers and school boards had complained that districts could not afford to implement that proposal. 

The house is ironically now in recess, playing hopscotch, four-square and tag.

As the bill awaits committee approval, it spends most of its time snacking on Bugles and playing Red Dead Remdemption on XBOX 360 in the Statehouse lounge.

"Every time I see it, it's bigger. I don't think we'll ever be able to get it out of here." lamented House speaker Armand Budish.