The Heath Ledger

Wednesday, May 30

Fraternal twins successfully “conjoined.”

Heath, OH - Twin brother and sister George and Georgina Tomlinson, 17, decided to throw caution to the wind and have sex with each other last night. It was the first time for each of them, and two minutes they’ll be able to look back on for the rest of their lives. Especially when you consider that six weeks from now, Georgina will realize she’s carrying George’s baby, and George Senior, a former Golden Gloves boxer and raving, abusive alcoholic with a hair-trigger temper, will come home to find his flesh and blood standing in the middle of the kitchen mesmerized by the “+” on the home pregnancy test in George Junior’s white-knuckled hand. Fumbling to hide the test stick behind his back, and thus dotting the “i” on his metaphorical paternity test, Junior will drop the stick onto the kitchen floor. George Senior will saunter over slowly. He’ll bend to pick up the stick, shake it to remove a trace of his daughter’s urine, and raise it to his eye. “Well what do we have here?” He’ll say, noticing the “+” before flying off the handle. “I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 17 YEARS AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS?!”

Monday, April 9

Heath couple remember "analversary."

The Callahans

Heath, OH – What happened in the wee hours of April 10, 2011, is a sore subject in the Callahan home, but it’s not something Michael Callahan is afraid to talk about.

“One year ago tomorrow, honey. Do you remember? Man, you were so drunk.”

“Is that what this is about? I don’t want to talk about it.” Jodie Callahan snapped, crossing her arms defensively.

“We were at this party.” Michael Callahan explained. “Nine or 10 beers later we’re back home, things are getting hot and heavy. Next thing you know, I’m slipping one in past the goalie!” He tried to punctuate this with a fist-bump, but Jodie looked away, rolling her eyes and tightening her jaw.

After a few more euphemisms though, she had had enough.

“You know what, Mike. You’re right. Ledger readers want to know the whole story.” She said, punctuating the word whole with air quotes. “So here it is, world … Mike’s penis is so goddamn small I hardly felt a thing. I never do.”

It was then her fist-bump that went unanswered.

So far, the Callahans have no plans to celebrate next year’s “analversary.”

Monday, April 2

Hiring freeze at area cryogenics lab.

Heath, OH - Effective immediately, Extended Life Cryonics (ELC) Laboratory has instituted a hiring freeze. No new employees will be hired and 30 positions have been eliminated.

“People just aren’t putting their dying, cancer-riddled relatives into deep freeze like they used to, hoping one day we find a cure.” Chief Marketing Officer Charles Lin said. “It could be the economy. Could be this is all just an incredible waste of time, space and money.”

“This is the second time this has happened to me.” Liquid nitrogen specialist Joe Long said lamenting his fate at ELC. “The first time was back when I worked at Alcor out in Arizona … We got caught using Ted Williams’s head as a volleyball. It was hard. Losing the job, I mean. Although the Splendid Splinter’s head was pretty hard too.”

ELC’s doors will remain open where it’s business as usual. Even though that business is decidedly unusual.

“Remember, we also freeze-dry pets.” Lin reminded us after our tour of the facility. “You guys want your pets to live forever, right? Come on. Throw us a bone.”

Friday, March 30

Local Fire Truck really excited to get to fire.

Newark, OH — The next time you hear the loud bellowing of a fire engine siren, it may be less a warning and more a warcry from the City of Newark Fire Division's own Station Number 3.

Their truck, a 2009 Seagrave Marauder II Compressed air-foam Pumper, could barely contain its excitement as it sped towards a recent three-alarm blaze.

"Woooooooooooooo! Wooooooooooooooooo!" the truck's siren blared loudly, within view of the plume of smoke rising from the DLS Tire Center at 510 Hebron Road.

"Ooooh, a tire fire. We'll be here forever. That's probably why she's so pumped up, pardon the pun." laughed Lieutenant Randy Foggscrobber.

Nine more exalted "Woooooooooos" later, pumper truck 11 was on the scene, unleashing a creamy eruption of low-expansion aqueous film-forming foam on the blazing building to help bring the fire under control.

"Lucy" during a moment of reflection.

The firemen at Newark Station 3 have dubbed the pumper "Lucy" and say there's no end to her idiosyncrasies.

"She certainly doesn't go this wild for parades or when we have to pick up the chief's dry cleaning. Every fire is a way for her to fulfill her destiny — her fire truck destiny." chuckled shift Captain Nick Dickfartzegen.

"It's funny. A lot of people think the sirens are a way to signal that we're coming, get the fuck out of our way. But in fact, sirens are just a fire truck's way of saying 'I'm coming, get the fuck out of my way.'" Battalion Chief Gerry Muffnagel said.

Thursday, March 29

Dyslexic Woman arrested for IUD.

Mugshot: What does F.I.L.M. stand for?

Newark, OH — Darlene Chalmers found out the hard way that fat, drunk and dyslexic is no way to go through life.

Chalmers, 36, was found driving her 1995 Pontiac Sunfire erratically on Licking View Drive. A routine sobriety test combined with a breathalyzer analysis found Chalmers' blood-alcohol percentage at a less-than-legal 0.11%. The legal limit in the state of Ohio is .08%.

Licking County Sheriffs charged Chalmers with DUI and took her into custody late Wednesday night. Upon learning of Chalmers' learning disability, the arresting officer responded: "All I know, is that Darlene Chalmers behind the wheel of an automobile spells disaster, D-I-S-A- ... S-T-E-R."

Upon being booked, Chalmers mistakenly thought she was being detained for her preference in birth control.

"I am a free woman! I have the right to choose birth control I wanna use." blurted a still-intoxicated Chalmers from her holding cell.

Despite several warnings, Chalmers refused to keep quiet.

"You wanna see it? How 'bout you get your head up here in my vajayjay and see how Mister T is doing, Officer Fucktard!" Chalmers bellowed, struggling to remove her pants.

Chalmers' verbal assault elicited chuckles from other staff on hand. County Sheriff Justin Tuckfard was less than amused.

"My last name is Tuckfard. Justin Herbert Tuckfard! You guys all know that! C'mon!"

Tuesday, January 10

Starbucks first-timer orders “Triple Latte Soy Grande.”

Heath, OH - The future actors and musicians working the drive-thru at a local Starbucks had a good chuckle today when area Mormon, Pat Morter, piloted his Nissan Maxima up to the speaker box.

“I’ll have a Triple Latte Soy Grande.” Morter spoke, confidently. “A Triple Grande Soy Latte!?” came the immediate, snarky, disembodied reply, along with some snickers from members of the crew who hadn’t muted their headgear.

Morter would like to point out he was ordering for a passenger in his car, as he is forbidden from sullying the temple of his body with caffeine in accordance with Mormon scripture.

“Some in the Church take that to mean just hot coffee and down Coke and Mountain Dew like the dehydrated heathens they are.” He pointed out, righteously. “I’ll have none of that ... I mean I’ll watch a rated-R movie occasionally when the wife isn’t around, or masturbate. Sometimes simultaneously.”