Friday, August 21

Nation's gunmen demand schools reopen

- While our right to pursue happiness continues to fuel the spread of coronavirus throughout the country, many schools have delayed reopening or have chosen distance-learning over in-person education.

This has put additional undue strain on people--moms and dads forced to juggle employment and childcare, as well as our nation's school shooters, a group as forgotten as a pile of dead children, who've been forced to decide between doing something productive with their lives and continuing to masturbate to hate-spewing Russian bots while living in their parents’ basements. 

"What am I supposed to do, stew some more?” One easy-to-spot societal problem said. “It's hard to stay angry for this long. I need to kill some people now."

While many schools have failed to reopen, an equal number have rolled the dice, mostly in states where the citizenry portray their anger against wearing masks as a love of freedom, not the absence of responsibility. 

“This has got to start! I am losing my motivation here.” Another psychopath with eyes too close together said while stroking the barrel of an assault weapon. “I need to cut loose on some innocents and get my name on CNN. First. Middle. And last.” 

Future forgotten lunatic Anthony Michael Thomas added, "I hope we can get back to some sort of normalcy real soon." 

Tuesday, June 2

Target Corporation mulling over name change.

MINNEAPOLIS (MN) — The recent wave of nationwide rioting and looting in the wake of the tragic murder of George Floyd has one retailer rethinking their brand.

Target Corporation, whose department stores have been the, um, well, target of wanton destruction and theft in their hometown of Minneapolis and several other locations across the nation, is considering drastic steps to overhaul the company's iconic name and logo.

Also caught in the midst of a viral pandemic, Target executives have been virtually meeting via Zoom calls to determine the rebranding's next steps.

"We put a gosh dang bullseye right on the front of the store! It's like an open invitation!" asked a clearly shaken Brian Cornell, CEO of the United States' 8th largest retailer. It was unable to tell whether Cornell was overtaken by emotion or simply had a poor wifi connection.

Several names are in consideration, but an early frontrunner is an unwieldy but to-the-point Mess With Us and We'll F**king Kill You!

"Let's just say it sends a message that our previous name was unable to convey," said Executive Vice President, Chief Marketing, Digital and Strategy Officer Rick Gomez.  "And instead of the trademark bullseye, we are kind of hovering around a stylized middle finger."

Gomez continued: "It certainly spices up conversation and is memorable." He then put a fluffy teal scarf on and assumed the identities of two millennial women mid-discussion. "Oh, where did you get that cute scarf? ... It's soooo cute, isn't it? I got it at Mess With Us and We'll Fucking Kill You!"

As of press time, there was no indication of the timeline for the official unveiling of the new brand.

Thursday, May 28

Unwitting first responder performs ass-to-mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

VAN NUYS, CA - A 911 call at 4:36 in the afternoon sent responders from Station 98 scrambling into action. A ladder truck and ambulance raced 8 blocks, sirens wailing, to a nondescript office park where they found a naked woman in cardiac distress.

Firefighter Johnny Swanson, 29, was part of a CPR double-team. His partner pumped the naked woman's chest as he breathed air into her set of lungs.

"I noticed she had massive breasts." Swanson said. "For a second I remember thinking, man, I wish I was doing the compressions, but Billy beat me to them. Then in between breaths, I noticed the naked guy with a semi-erection in the corner, all the lights and cameras. I was, like, what the hell is going on here?"

What had been going on there, minutes prior, was the feverish fucking climax of a movie titled, Paralysis by Anal, Sis.

"I thought she was foaming at the mouth." Swanson said, his eyes somewhere far away. "It wasn't foam."

The hero first-responders managed to bring Jillian J. Jugs, 34, back to life. She was transferred to Valley Presbyterian where she remains in stable condition after undergoing a battery of tests and enduring the advances of the guy who changes bedpans.

Swanson has been prescribed a course of antibiotics but has found no effective treatment for warding off the playful ribbing of guys in the firehouse.

Friday, May 22

Hey’all, longtime NASCAR driver Kyle Petty here. I’m here to talk about this Covid-19 lockdown business. I don’t know if you’ve ever been locked down before, but I can tell you from experience, thanks to a certain older sibling, it’s not a lot of fun. I’ve been forced to socially distance myself at least two laps down on some occasions. 

I know a lot of you good people have been furloughed or laid off. It’s not fun not working — and I should know. I basically had my career quarantined by a guy who makes Gretchen Whitmer look like a Fellow from the Mises Institute.  Tyranny comes in all shapes, sizes, and mustaches. And you wonder why some guys end up with a nickname like “King.”  I’m a citizen, not a subject! 

You try bein’ under house arrest in Level Cross, North Carolina. There’s only so many times you can take out from Hardee’s. I’ve had everything on the menu … twice! My cholesterol is probably redlining on the backstretch of the speedway of my arteries, to wax pathetic.

Wise Janis Joplin said “Freedom is just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” Well heck y’all, I had to lose a lot so a certain overbearing relative could put more feathers in his ridiculous cowboy hat.  Now the only thing I have left to lose is this prodigious coiffure. I ain’t had a haircut in over 2 months and I’m starting to look like Crystal Gayle on Pop Goes the Country!

Now, I’ll tell you a one-size-fits-all approach ain’t the right idea for the whole dang country, just like it ain’t the right idea for a racing team. Heck, in Level Cross, our idea of public transit is hitchin’ a ride with the Mayor.  So I say it’s time to let the people make their own choices and decide for themselves. Thanks to a certain motherbrother, it’s a real foreign concept around here! 

Well, that’s all for now. Stay safe and keep drivin’ y’all!

Tuesday, May 5

The Department of Pulling-Numbers-Out-of-Your-Ass thrives during pandemic.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While Coronavirus-related lockdowns and quarantines have quashed business activity across the nation, there's one place where the 'new normal' is busier than ever.

The oft-used but little mentioned U.S. Department of Pulling-Numbers-Out-of-Your-Ass (USDPNOYA) is bustling. Normally used for government accounting, the group has now been shifted to help epidemiologists estimate Coronavirus caseloads and death rates.

"We've been working around-the-clock coming up with new numbers, just to make people feel better, or to scare the hell out of them." admitted Department head Walt Underwood."It depends on the day, really."

When asked why this type of work was not being done remotely, Underwood explained: "These fingers aren't going to count themselves!"

After indeed counting a co-worker's fingers (and thumbs), Underwood opened a blank Microsoft Excel spreadsheet titled "Covid-19 Stuff" and began typing random numbers into cells.

"By our calculations, I think we'll see about 600,000 new cases per day, give or take 450,000."