Columbus, OH – George Small of George’s Bar & Grill read from a prepared statement outside the entrance to his establishment this afternoon.

“I sincerely regret the unfortunate misunderstanding the sign outside our restaurant has caused.” Small read. “Never, at any time, did we prepare anus burgers containing any percentage of anus meat to our wonderful patrons.”

People waiting for their tables, this reporter included, exchanged glances as if to say, what in the cuss is this guy even talking about?

Small continued.

“Nor did we at any time serve or eat anus burgers with or without cheese and/or many of the delicious fixins’ you’re accustomed to receiving with all the entrées we serve here at George’s Bar & Grill – the home of delicious food and drink."

Small then thanked us for the time and retreated to the kitchen.

One guy waiting for a table threw his arms up in disgust and stormed out the door, presumably in search of another restaurant serving 100% anus burgers. The rest of us had a salad.

Columbus, OH - Todd Clark, 30, knows a thing or two about erections. Like most men, he’s had millions. One even contributed to bringing his son, Avery, to life.

“The thing is you never get a second chance to have a first erection.” Clark said. “The person responsible for it always remembers. Mom still talks about mine to this day. And it’s a little embarrassing.”

Clark’s wife believes Todd may be blowing the erection … out of proportion.

“Big deal. An erection.” She snapped. “Like you don’t wake up with one every morning and have to stand on your hands to take a piss … Lighten up.”

Clark, though, would hear none of it.

“I touched him with one baby wipe while wiping his ass with another. That’s on me. I have to live with that.” He said. “But you know what? I’m glad it happened. First erections are special. I just wish his first hadn’t come from me.”

“You should be more concerned with how he’s hung.” His wife spat. “Just. Like. You. No question you’re the father.”

“It’s okay.” Clark added, coming to grips with his son's erection. “I love my son for who he is and for what he is -- obviously a little gay.”

Pataskala, OH - When Peter Santilli, 48, found out his wife was cheating on him, he was so angry he wanted to grab his gun, get in his car, and drive all night making occasional stops along the way to blow away complete strangers.

But it was already like 11:15PM when Margaret Santilli let the extramarital cat out of the bag, and that's way too late to be out killing innocent people.

“I was angry. Hurt. I felt betrayed. I thought about our three innocent kids.” Santilli said, hoisting a shot of whiskey to his lips. “But I was also pretty friggin’ tired. I had been at work most of the day.”

Margaret Santilli declined to elaborate on her role in all this, only saying, “He was always at work. He didn’t pay attention to my needs. Me. Me. Me.”

A lot more than five lives could have been destroyed in the marital disaster if not for sheer fatigue.

Westerville, OH - A pick-up basketball game turned ‘hairy’ last weekend when Ralph Stevens was selected by the captain of the ‘skins’ team.

The hirsute Stevens, a walking argument for evolution, looks like he’s wearing a shirt even when shirtless, which can lead to confusion on the basketball court and a fair amount of disgust in the bedroom.

“I was running the point for the shirts.” Gerry O’Malley of Worthington said. “The guy wearing the sweater was wide-open every time so I just kept feeding him the ball. I didn’t realize we were playing basketball with Khalid Sheik Mohammed.”

To avoid confusion, a motion was passed after the first game to make Stevens a permanent member of the shirts squad. This also served the second purpose of preventing people from throwing up at the mere sight of him.

This isn’t the first time Stevens has caused trouble on the court. He once punched an opposing player for yelling, “air-ball,” believing the guy had shouted “hairball.”

Columbus, OH - Recently separated twins, Andrew and Frank Johnson, 54, are pointing what could pass for fingers and a couple grotesque nubs at one other in a heated battle over which sibling got the short end of the stick—as far as limbs and organs are concerned—after their 12-hour surgical separation.

“I got a quarter of a lung now and he’s complaining?” Frank said between labored breaths. “This is bullshit.”

The most “testy” battle rages over control over their once-shared penis, which now dangles slightly to the left from the half of pelvis Frank was left with. Andrew, it seems, would still like to play with it on occasion in lieu of his new, 6-inch catheter tube.

“It’s just not fair.” Andrew said through tears. “Why couldn’t they give him the larger lobe of the liver and leave me the cock?”

“I thought we went over all this before the surgery.” Chief of Surgery Dr. Kyle Ostrander said. “The ‘cock,’ as Andrew calls it, was left up for grabs until I could get in there and examine the vasculature. Frank had the main vein. He gets the penis. It was that simple.”

The separation anxiety the brothers are experiencing is said to be normal. Both have agreed to counseling.

Columbus, OH - When Jonathan Sizemore got back to his hotel room on Friday after an evening of entertaining clients, he immediately thumbed through the local yellow pages in search of female companionship.

Imagine his surprise 45 minutes later when he opened the door expecting to see a beautiful, rock-hard 22-year-old blonde wearing an overcoat and little else, but instead found Lloyd R. Billings, Esquire, wearing a powdered wig and carrying a briefcase.

“At first I was like, okay, role-playing, I’m down with that.” Sizemore admitted. “But then he started talking, asking me my social security number. I was like, oh, shit, that’s a dude! 046-38-5587.”

“I’m an attorney at law.” Billings offered without being asked, and as if attorneys were ‘at’ anything other than ambulance chasing and general douchebaggery.

Two hours later, having paid the same hourly rate he would have to get his rocks off, Sizemore showed Billings to the door. Then he turned to show off the fruits of their two-hour encounter — a last will and testament, a living will, the makings of a family trust, and some other unnecessary documents.

“Well,” Sizemore said. “I needed to have that done anyway. My wife will be pleased … Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go rub one out.”

HILLIARD, Ohio — A hearing problem is ending the extended honeymoon for newlywed Hilliard resident Keith Hill.

Hill's live-in father-in-law, retired truck driver Earl Ford suffers from age-related hearing loss. In order to adequately hear others, he employs the use of a Miracle-Ear hearing aid. Hill contends that Ford has misheard him on many occasions, and used those misunderstandings to foment doubt in his wife about their relationship.

Ford now lives with the couple after his beloved wife, Hattie succumbed to pancreas cancer last year.

The first incidence occurred when Ford told his daughter about Hill's repeated trips to a 'topless bar.' Stunned by the news, Vicki confronted Hill, who hopelessly defended his recent visits to a Tapas bar.

"You know I love spanish appetizers like puntillitas. You know I love Morejo's on Lakeshore Road"

Ford, seated nearby, then asked "What? You'd love more hos to take your load?"

Another time, Hill, a teacher at nearby Columbus State, was joking with friends about his "upcoming mild semester." An eavesdropping Ford then relayed to his daughter that Hill was "becoming a child molester."

Repeated misunderstandings like these are turning Hill's life into a reality-show version of Three's Company, but without the laugh track.

Hill has made several failed gestures to Vicki that Ford would be better off in a nearby retirement home, putting a safe seventeen miles between Hill's mouth and Ford's faulty ears.

"That deaf moron is screwing my life."

"What? Jeff Gordon is doing my wife? That dead slut."

Columbus, OH - Frank Langello, 60, a retired New York City police detective who moved to the area seven years ago to open his own private investigation firm, solved Saturday night’s diner theater murder-mystery almost immediately, effectively ruining the evening for everyone else.

“See this,” Langello said, pointing to his nose. “Imagine it three times its size and red. That’s how plain the evidence was.”

Just after the salads arrived and before anyone knew what was happening, the evening’s hired culprit, Otterbein College theater student Michael J. Smith, found himself face-first on the ground with Langello’s knee planted squarely in the center of his back.

“I did the same thing I always do.” Smith said, rubbing the back of his swollen, hand-wrung neck. “The same things that baffle them time in, time out ... Not this time, apparently.”

After Smith was taken away by two stunned “police officers” who’d never appeared prior to Act 3 before, Langello turned to the crowd and threw his arms up in victory.

He was met with shocked silence.

“Oh, Frank.” Langello’s wife said, shielding her eyes from the stares. "Not again."

Management was forced to issue refunds for half the cost of the show, but we're told the evening wasn't a complete loss. The Prime Rib was excellent, as always.

Westerville, OH – A local man died yesterday after reviewing the profit/loss statement of his wife’s less-than-lucrative venture selling $40 bottles of juice out of the garage.

Keith A. Walters, 45, succumbed contemplating how much his family had spent on cases of juice, and boxes of assorted gels and energy drinks stacked floor-to-ceiling in the family garage versus how much had actually sold.

“It put tremendous pressure on him.” A close friend who had once been duped into signing on as a distributor said. “He wanted to support his wife in all her endeavors, but also wanted to kill her for this particular one.”

The promise of fancy mansions, sports cars, helicopters and moderately improved health had yet come to fruition for the Walters family. Although, there was speculation that just a bit further up his wife’s side of the pyramid someone was having caviar with their breakfast.

The Walters children had planned to go to college before mommy got roped into this business. Now they’ve been seen recently selling juice door-to-door and emerging from the backseats of various suspicious-looking vehicles.

Funeral services for Mr. Walters are pending an “Everything must go to pay for husband’s funeral” sale.

Columbus, OH - The Stamikopolis Brothers Moving Company (SBM) is going out of business. Stavros and Petros Stamikopolis, owners of the company, are the only two who’ve yet to realize it.

Last Saturday, a seemingly simple one-hour, one-load move across town came in $700 over budget and took a whopping five and a half hours.

“I’d call it a logistical nightmare,” New homeowner Michael Jones said, “but, really, there were no logistics involved. They just kind of threw all the shit in there — between naps, of course.”

SBM had earned high praise from its customers for more than four decades, but when old man Stamikopolis died last year and left control of the company to his good-for-nothing twin sons, the company quickly went to “Skata,” the Greek word for “Shit.”

“My daughter and I drove back here to check on progress and make sure we hadn’t left anything behind only to discover one of them had gotten into Michael’s porn stash!” Mrs. Jones said, incredulously. “I didn’t even know Michael had a porn stash!”

“She knows about my porn stash?” Michael asked in shock. “How much does she know about it? Did she see the lotions and stuff? The fleshlight? … Aw, man, this move is going to wind up costing me my marriage, too … Thanks a lot, Stamikopolis Brothers!”

The brothers wouldn’t speak on record about the disastrous move, only muttering “Skata” in unison before hanging up the phone.

Luckily, both have teaching careers to fall back on.