Monday, January 27

"Beyond Human" - a new plant-based option for compassionate cannibals

NEW YORK, NY - A new, plant-based human flesh substitute is getting thumbs up in cannibal communities around the world — from remote man-eating tribes in the jungles of Africa to back rooms of certain Chinese restaurants along New York's Lower East Side.
 
"Beyond Human" is a pea-based plant protein, with a blend of assorted proprietary ingredients, that tastes like actual human flesh. It's designed for cannibals with a conscience, those who love that rich, meaty human taste but deplore the way human beings have been treated, like, by serial killers and bad parents. 
 
"Look, I still enjoy eating people." One anonymous cannibal said. "I just don't like how people have been raised, locked in mental cages, or on the couch in front of the television. I will admit though, a sedentary lifestyle can create a wonderful marbling effect."
 
"I like my human flesh raw or frozen, like you'd enjoy as one of few survivors of a plane crash high in the Andes." Another cannibal said.
 
Such cannibals will have to wait. “Beyond Human” is only found in Caucasian flavor on the black test market. 

Tuesday, December 31

Jihadist group disappointed in Facebook "Year in Review" Video

WHITEHALL, OH —  The waning days of December often provide a time for reflection on the past year. For many, it's a time for fond memories. For a local jihadi group, it was a social media letdown.

"It was demoralizing to see how little we had blown up in 2019." said leader Abdul Abu-Jones.

The group did manage to destroy an infidel's Tesla Model X, but that was of little solace. "That happens all the time, even without an incendiary device." Jones lamented.

"We burned some godless texts, but we did it a large trash barrel during a cold snap, so no one noticed."

The group also lit up the Central Ohio midsummer night with quite an explosive show, but sadly, it was mistimed.

"We should have done it on July 5th or 6th. I mean, there were some 'oohs' and 'aahs' and some polite applause, but no submitting to the will of the Caliphate. Disappointing."

Abu-Jones declined to share the video to his wider friends network, instead only posting it on the private Facebook Group, SHHBOOM! (Stay at Home Husbands of Bexley Working Moms.)

Fellow cell member Hamzi Al-Abedi tried to access the video via his mobile phone but accidentally detonated a nearby IED, killing himself.

Abu-Jones was happy to note that at least next year's video will start with a bang.

Monday, December 30

Local woman pens refreshingly honest Christmas letter.

SHAWNEE HILLS, OH — Friends and extended family members of one Chantel Hamilton, 63, of Shawnee Hills, Ohio were shocked and dismayed when they opened the annual "Auntie Chantie" Christmas letter this holiday season.

Her wide eyes scanning the sleek cursive handwriting, cousin Alberta Hamilton stood dumbfounded in her kitchen as the words "Well my no-good creepy-ass son is back in jail for trailer park peeping." sprang unrelentingly from the page. She found little relief as the letter continued "and my daughter is still hitched to that asshat Klansman. Sure, he's in the Rotary, but he's also in the Klan."

The letter's other startling revelations include Chantel still misses her dead husband Pat but not as much thanks to her new "friend" Mister Bullet (and his five speeds), her new daughter-in-law smells funny, and pop sensation Lizzo is "over-fucking-rated." 

Nephew Jack McCluskey of Farmington Hills, Michigan was disappointed to find that his beloved aunt referred to his favorite college football team as a "sack of hog shit covered in weeping boils that deserve to rot in the eleventh circle of hell for eternity." 

He referred the letter to his therapist, who has seen similar displays of truth bombs

"Age has stolen much of Mrs. Hamilton's social graces and as a result, she lacks the devices necessary to construct an artifice of joy and success around her family so many others are adept at this time of year," he said, referring to a stack of his own leftover Christmas cards showing he and his wife and two daughters in a complete fabrication of joy.

He then collapsed into a pool of tears.

The letter ended with "You are all rotten people in your own special way. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"

Monday, December 16

Ballet-dancing activist works to shed industry of "L-word."

PLAIN CITY, OH —Local ballet dancer Britney Hudson won't stop dancing until the ubiquitous industry term leotard is no longer in use.

Hudson is holding a one-person Dance-a-thon in her parents' rec room to call attention to what she finds is a "demeaning and an out-of-date word."

Plié-se just stop.
The Oxford dictionary defines the term in question as "a close-fitting one-piece garment, made of stretchy fabric, that covers a person's body from the shoulders to the top of the thighs and typically the arms, worn by dancers or people exercising indoors."

The garment is named after French trapeze artist Jules Léotard, who popularized the attire in the early 20th century.

"Maybe this Leo guy was learning-challenged or something." Hudson continued, mid-pirouette. "And frankly, anyone still using this word is well, they're uh, probably retarded."

Hudson's brother Josh, 32, who lives in the Dance-a-thon location, was initially confused, "L-word? I thought she was talking about lesbians, and I thought, who doesn't love lesbian ballerinas? That one part in Black Swan was hot."

Hudson plans to continue dancing until her demands are met, or she gets really dizzy.


Monday, November 25

Rapper Lo-T not in the mood to "hit that."

TUSCALOOSA, AL — The 47-year old veteran rapper Lo-T admitted he was just 'not feeling it' after a recent concert in Tuscaloosa, Alabama last Sunday night—leaving 4 or 5 groupie bootys untapped.

"It's a real letdown, but he is old enough to be my dad." shrugged relatively new fan Shaniqua Robinson, 22.

"I'm just exhausted. It's all this touring. It really takes it outta me." T, grunted as he got up from a couch in his trailer. "My back aches, my knees pop. Everything is falling apart."

T also copped to being more addicted to purple pillz than purple drank. "My GERD acts up real bad every night."

T admitted that he still loved the ladies, especially that Janet Evanovich, telling this reporter "That ho can spin a good yarn."

The clearly drained T retired to his bed carrying her latest novel, Twisted Twenty-Six.

"I hope my package from Roman comes soon, maybe that will help."



Thursday, November 14

Middle-aged man drops antacid.

COLUMBUS, OH - Keith Bullock, 55, of Westerville, took a trip back in time recently, courtesy of long-time Led Zeppelin tribute band Zoso.
Zantac 

"It was totally awesome." Bullock summarized. "I could've sworn it was Robert Plant up there ... Then again, my vision is going. Could've been David Spade."

Just before the show, Bullock surreptitiously removed a small plastic bag he had tucked into his boxer briefs to get past security.

"Zantac." He said to an all-too-close urinal mate, before tossing his head back and swallowing them like the seasoned reflux sufferer he is.

Bullock explained he could afford to take no chances after consuming a giant slice of pepperoni pizza and 2 overpriced beers.

"I can't have the levee of my esophageal sphincter break in the middle of the night and disrupt my beauty sleep, now can I?" Bullock asked, pointing to a face that could certainly use some sleep. "I gotta work tomorrow."