Monday, February 20

Derek Jeter, Mariah Carey looking forward to Half-Black History Month

Heath, OH - (AP) There’s a 50-50 chance America would not be the America it is today without the contributions of half-black Americans.

“It’s hard to overlook the achievements of the half-black.” Said Derek Jeter, shortstop for the New York Yankees. “I, myself, have been to the playoffs ... a lot. Have you?”

A strong-arm campaign by democratic half-black U.S. Senator, Barack Obama (IL), prompted government officials to pick this March for the first ever half-black celebration.

“Each of us is more half-black than we know, thanks to the sexually dominant oppressiveness of our white plantation-owning forefathers.” Obama said before an assembled throng of reporters. “I have seen half-black ‘white’ kids in my own damn neighborhood with those crooked hats and baggy-ass jeans. Wigger, please.”

Mariah Carey, on hand as part of the announcement festivities, also chimed in.

“Black history month is just 28 days.” She said. “We get an extra three days to celebrate because of our half-whiteness. And that’s only half-racist, motherfucker.”