Wednesday, February 15

Local meterologist issues hard-on warning for pelvic region.

Heath, OH - “If this storm delivers like I think it’s going to,” local meterologist, Rex Kadlic, cautioned, “I may have to pitch a tent right here on live television! ... You know, spend the night here and stuff,” he added, uncomfortably.

"Knock on wood, that won't be necessary," Kadlic said, engineering a quick adjustment of his nether region from within the pocket of his slacks. “This baby is coming in hard from behind … you see how it’s moving in and out? This is a long, strong thing that could really hurt as it moves in. We’re definitely vulnerable.”

Should you run out and buy all the milk, bread and toilet paper the stores have to offer? Kadlic says no.

“Just get some candles, some wine, and we can all ride this bad boy out together.”