Tuesday, March 28

Area woman can't live without Diane Keaton.

Westerville, OH — A Westerville woman's extremely tenuous relationship with actress Diane Keaton is causing her an inordinate amount of stress — and is also taking its toll on her loved ones.

"Ann Johnson suffers from what we would term 'Six Degrees of Separation Anxiety'." offered noted area psychologist Dr. Patrick Meyers. "She is distantly related to Ms. Keaton, and as a result, can't stand to be without her — even though the two have never met."

Ann's condition was brought on when she learned knowledge of her nebulous ties to the actress.

"She's very distraught, right now. Whimpering and crying. I've sat through seven consecutive viewings of Baby Boom," said her emotionally-exhausted sister, Gwen Marsh. "Frankly, I can't take it anymore. She's inconsolable."

Sitting through a portion of the viewings, it was easy to see the condition at work. Each time Keaton would appear onscreen, Ann's ears would prick up, and she would appear agitated and anxious. However, when she was absent from a scene, Ann would begin to sob uncontrollably, and 'paw' at the television.

Her husband Scott contacted local geneologist Nathan Spitzer to help verify the sketchy relationship. "I was hoping it wasn't true —that she wasn't related at all. I just want her to stop acting like a crazy bitch."

Spitzer found that Ann's nearly-transparent kinship to Ms. Keaton is in fact, traceable.

"Her cousin's aunt's cousin's brother's cousin's cousin is indeed, Diane Keaton."