Thursday, April 20

Bathroom attendant to keep job
after winning lottery

Heath, OH — Two weeks after winning Ohio’s largest lottery prize, 71-year-old Heath resident Arthur “Magic” Johnson said he will continue working as the men’s restroom attendant at Pamplona’s Steak and Chops.

“I’ve been sitting on that stool for…24 years now. I may be 276 million dollars richer, but I still know how to have a good time. Last week I handed a towel to Greg Gumbel.”

When asked if he planned on buying anything special, Johnson carefully unfolded a photo of a 16th Century gold stool with elaborate carvings and pearl inlay. “Henry VIII sat on that. And if Sotheby’s doesn’t mess things up, so will I. Carwise, I’ll probably go with a Ferrari F-360 or an Aston Martin DB9.”

Is there a downside to his job? Without hesitating a second, Johnson said, “Man, I don’t like it when people make a lot of poop noise. I know body sounds come with the job … but some people … they just push too hard … sounds like a live hog going through a meat grinder… and the smell ...”

After being asked nicely to move on, Johnson said, “I could go the rest of my life without hearing 'Bombs Away,' or 'Fire in the Hole,' man, that shit gets old.”