Tuesday, April 25

Local man wants to know how you can run a marathon in a Goddamn wheelchair?

Heath, OH - Jerry O'Malley is a man on a mission--a mission to ban the wheelchair-bound from participating in this year's Memorial Day Heath Half-Marathon.

"These cripples," O'Malley says, "all they have to do is get some good speed going and they can coast down these hills to victory. It's not fair to those of us with two fully-functioning legs."

O'Malley, who has never finished higher than 54th in any race, insists his problem is mainly with the preferential treatment many of the handicapped receive.

"Don't even get me started on the primo parking these retards get." O'Malley begged. "Every day, I pray I get plowed into from behind while I'm stopped at a traffic light. Or clipped while I'm crossing the street. Those limping bastards have got it made."

O'Malley is running out of time to complete his mission, with the 27th annual Memorial Day Heath Half-Marathon scheduled to begin at 9AM on Monday, May 29.

"If I have to," he promises, "I'll let the air out of their tires on race day when they're not looking. I mean it. Coast on that, bitches."