Friday, April 28

Man creates six-meat alternative to Turducken.

Heath, OH — Working feverishly to have a patent by Thanksgiving, a local meat enthusiast is determined to give America a viable alternative to last years’ holiday sensation, Turducken.

For those who don’t know, Turducken is made by cramming a duck carcass inside a chicken cavity, then shoving the duck-stuffed chicken deep inside a turkey. The result is a succulent hybrid that can be grilled, deep-fried or roasted.

“You know, I kind of enjoyed the plain old Turducken, but it left me wanting more,” said Chuck Glottis, owner of Chuck’s Meat Paradise in Heath. “So fiddled around with some bird carcasses I had laying around in the shop and came up with something I think is pretty special. I call it Ostriturduckenpheasaquail.”

Using stackable Russian dolls to illustrate how to assemble his creation, Glottis said Ostriturduckenpheasaquail is made by carefully shoving a quail inside a pheasant, then cramming those two carcasses inside the Turducken, which is then carefully worked into the Ostrich carcass. The result? “I have never, and I mean never, tasted anything with so much character and depth,” Glottis said.

Everyone in Glottis’ cul-de-sac was treated to an impromptu Ostriturduckenpheasaquail tasting last Friday and the comments were promising. “I probably wouldn’t have dug a pit on my tree-lawn, but the Ostriturduckenpheasaquail was to die for,” said Marcie Plavel. “I even ate the bones…that’s okay, right?”

When asked what wine could possibly hold its own next to the flavor explosion that is Ostriturduckenpheasaquail, Glottis recommended another one of his blended creations, Merlzinfanbernet. “I know the wine snobs out there are rolling their eyes, but they should probably just shut the hell up and try it, “ slurred Glottis while pouring another glass of Merlzinfanbernet. “Personally, I’d like to stuff Marcie Plavel, but that’s another story for another time.”