Wednesday, May 3

Abramowitz Co. Launches 'Black People Brand
Hot Sauce'

Albany, NY - (AP) Even before hitting shelves, Abramowitz Fertilizer and Commercial-Grade Lye, Inc.’s new ‘Black People Brand Hot Sauce’ is garnering controversy across the country.

Touted as “the first African American-style hot sauce aimed specifically at the Caucasian market”, many racial equality advocates are bemoaning the new product as a throwback to old-fashioned racism in advertising.

“This is a hot sauce truly fit to be served in a Sambo’s Restaurant,” proclaimed African American activist Lionel Moorehouse, “It’s outrageous that Americans of any color should be subjected to this kind of bigotry, as we find ourselves, sitting not in the darkness of the 1950’s, but rather, standing tall in the light of equality, here in the 21st century!”

Abramowitz Fertilizer and Commercial-Grade Lye, Inc. chairman and CEO, Gabriel Abramowitz, fails to see the dilemma, stating that: “For years, there has been much confusion in the hot sauce industry amongst Caucasian consumers. White people love authentic hot sauce like they get in black rib joints and chicken shacks, but when it comes time to purchase some at the market, they find themselves dumbfounded by the many, varied choices. Rather than wade through hundreds of ethnic-sounding options, we’ve taken the guesswork out of purchasing hot sauce. You want the kind black people use? Then just buy ‘Black People Brand Hot Sauce’, it’s really that simple.”

White shoppers, polled in a local Safeway Grocery Store seemed to share Abramowitz’s sentiment, praising the product’s straight-forward labeling. Said Todd Stevenson, “I simply adore down-home Southern delicacies like baby back ribs, barbecued brisket and cornbread. And nothing goes better with those dishes than the kind of flavor you get from real, authentic African American hot sauce. It’s like 400 years of oppression in a bottle. But I can’t exactly walk in here and say, ‘hey, give me the stuff they sell down at Roscoe’s, you know, the kind in the red squeezy thing. I mean, look at this: you’ve got Cholula and Red Hot and this Asian crap, I don’t even know what the hell that is.”

Others chose to criticize the lack of authentic southern flavor found in the so-called ‘Black People Brand Hot Sauce’, calling it bland and tasteless. An informal survey of several African-American employees of this news office found an almost universal inability to distinguish the sauce from regular, garden variety ketchup.

“That’s hot sauce?” asked a skeptical Renee Williams, echoing a sentiment voiced by many, “tastes like ketchup to me.” Ms. Williams then began to laugh openly as her white co-worker, tasting the sauce for himself, began to choke and gag, his face turning red while he pleaded for water.

Coming as somewhat of a surprise, joining the chorus of protests was the voice of Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, Brian Kellison. “Look, we talk openly about our hopes of a race war, but when you see Jews actually exploiting the black man like this, it’s hard to take, even for me.”

Asked to elaborate, Kellison would say only, “Yeah, I hate blacks, who doesn’t? But co-opting their culture to make money for your Zionist enterprises? And hot sauce? That’s just straight up ignorant.”

As of the time of publication, there were no immediate plans by the Abramowitz Corporation to halt production or alter their marketing strategy in any way.