Tuesday, May 2

Iran just jealous. And a little thirsty.

Tehran, Iran - (AP) Jealous of all the attention their neighbor and nemesis, Iraq, has been getting from America these last few years, Iran is growing more and more thirsty—for blood and for water.

"If you’re going to capture the attention of America with nuclear weaponry you have to be willing to make certain sacrifices." Iranian spokesman Kazem Alamdari explained. "And I’m not talking about goats and virgins here. I’m talking about drinking water that doesn’t give you the shits."

Sadly, few Americans remember November 4, 1979. The day Iranian militants stormed the US Embassy in Tehran, taking approximately 70 Americans captive. Today, when you say "Iran," most people will start singing a song from a Flock of Seagulls, maybe ask you if you remember the lead singer’s hairdo or something.

Times have changed.

Intelligence services began to see uranium enrichment plants popping up in Iran in the days just following the start of the second gulf war. They also noticed people bottling their own urine in case of emergency.

"We’re a country of limited resources. We can’t have everything … like you American fucks." Arash Yazid, a member of Iran’s ruling class, said. "We’re good at two things and two things only: hostage taking and threat making … So, you’d better back the fuck off, right now, or I’m going to ball-gag you … And, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll give me something to drink."