Friday, June 9

Supreme Court mandates goatees for all bald men, regardless of age.

Washington, DC — (AP) In a rare unanimous decision, the U.S. Supreme Court has declared that all bald men, regardless of age, must grow a goatee.

“Quite frankly, I can’t believe it took the highest court in the land to mandate a practice that has been occurring naturally for the last twenty years,” scoffed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who also wrote the opinion. “This isn’t about Big Brother getting into our lives…it’s about common sense.”

Justice Ginsberg was then whisked past an angry throng of bald protestors who rubbed their shiny, bald heads against her robe while waving banners that read, “My head, my face, stay in your place!” and “What Would Bald Jesus Do?”

The reaction in the Heartland has been mixed. Pro-Goatee supporters are demanding harsh penalties for any bald man caught without a goatee. "When I'm walking with my daughter, I sure as heck don't want to see a penis-like head jutting out of a knit shirt," said Joshua Whitten, a 46-year-old father of three. "A goatee makes sure that doesn't happen."

In an unforseen twist, Anti-Goatee protestors are letting their thinning hair grow back, with many threatening to grow comb-overs.

“It’s a weird time,” said bald landscaper Jason Feurlie. “I shaved my head because I wanted to. I got a tattoo because I wanted to. I bought an iguana because I wanted to. Now I’ve got nine incontinent oldies telling me I have to grow a goatee or risk going to jail. Nice. You know what they call goatees in jail? ‘Prison Pussy.’”