Thursday, August 31

Heath meteorologist proposes new hurricane naming system.

Washington, DC - Jack Jackson, Heath’s most accurate meteorologist, is in Washington this week lobbying for change in the way damaging hurricane systems are named.

Jackson argues that the names used to describe these often-fatal storm systems, names like Bonnie, Claude and Myrtle, aren’t sufficiently menacing enough to move the public to evasive action.

“The problem with Katrina,” Jackson explains, “is that people heard the name and were like, ‘Oooh … Katrina … I’m so scared!’ I believe that if the storm had been called Hurricane Douchebag you’d have seen people sprinting out of town.”

Jackson says that if the National Weather Service had issued bulletins like, “Incredible douchebag coming your way!”, or if the Times-Picayune had printed headlines like “Giant douchebag bearing down on New Orleans!”, thousands of lives could have been saved.

“People will get out of the way of something like, ‘This Fucking Maniac,’ trust me.” Jackson says. “They’ll evacuate for ‘That Motherfucker.’ But Katrina? That doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of men … It’s got nothing on something like ‘Lunatic With a Gun’ or 'Axe-Wielding Homicidal Maniac' that's for sure. They may as well have called Katrina ‘Hurricane Gentle Breeze.’”