Monday, October 30

Swanson's appetite for trouble grows with new product launch.

Philadelphia, PA — (FP) Swanson Frozen Foods, Inc. is feeling the heat over a recent product debut.

Earlier this year, Swanson launched a new line of large-scale frozen dinners under the newly-formed "Famished Man" brand name, and have since come under fire from a lot of snobby, uppity protest groups who object to the product's marketing and packaging design.

The graphics in question prominently feature a starving Ethiopian man, clinging to life. Under his tattered rags protrude a bony ribcage and a distended stomach. Above the man are emblazoned the words "Don't be like this jackass! Eat like an American!"

Chuck Braun, Assistant Vice President of Marketing for Swanson, defended the company's usage of the controversial photography and messaging.

"We're not selling mildly hungry man dinners here folks. We're selling to those who need to satiate themselves with massive quantities of food. I, for one, love the graphics. That guy is obviously famished ... but he's not lucky enough to have a Costco right down the street, now is he?" Braun said.

Braun, who oversaw the product rollout, elaborated:

"We had them photoshop out the hordes of flies, of course. Who wants to look at those when they're sitting down to engorge themselves on our classic Three Chicken Dinner? That's just nasty."

The Swanson's Famished Man Three Chicken Dinner features 3 whole chickens, one gallon of German Potato Salad, and 2 ounces of apple crisp. The product's box promises: "Each chicken is ultra deep-fried to golden brown perfection ... all you do is heat and eat. And eat. And eat. And eat!" The meal contains 4,145 calories, 442 grams of poly and mono saturated fats, and 12,443 grams of sodium.

Braun smiled. "Let's just say it's not pussy food."

"Not only are the marketing graphics abhorrent, the meal itself is unhealthy disaster of titanic proportions!" protested Amy Handlemen-Lee, community relations director for the Ohio division of the United Global Healthful Frozen Foods and Confections Alliance, one of the aforementioned snobby, uppity protest groups.

Braun replied. "There's a United Global Healthful Frozen Foods and Confections Alliance? Sounds like they're starving for attention."

In addition to the Three Chicken Dinner , the Famished Man line also offers the entrees 1,001 Shrimp-in-a-Box, something called 'Beef Mega-noff', and The Deluxe Buffalo Ribs Dinner, which are made from actual North American bison ribs.

Braun beamed. "You get one of those, and you, my friend, will look like Fred Flintstone at that Bedrock Drive-In. Seriously."