Thursday, March 1

Nation’s first relocated pimp settles in Heath

Heath, OH – Last August, Tyrone Johnson decided to take the Federal Government up on its offer of immunity in exchange for testimony against one his whores’ wealthy, drug-dealing Johns, Columbian Juan Carlos Cortez.

“Fuck was I supposed to do, motherfucker?” Johnson asked, threateningly. “They had shit on me, too.”

In mid-September, Johnson told a packed Washington, DC, courtroom about a pack-the-vaginal-cavity-with-hundreds-of-balloons-of-blow-in-Columbia-and-unpack-the-blow-in-the-United-States-distribution-scheme organized by the Columbian kingpin.

After the guilty verdict, and a vow from Cortez to find and kill Johnson wherever he might go, the Federal Pimp Relocation Program was born.

Johnson was quickly relocated to Heath, given the name Stanley Rubinowitz, and put up in Unit 315 of the Heathwood Village Apartments, where he can be found most days strolling the courtyard in his white suit and fur coat.

“You can take the pimp out the ghetto,” Rubinowitz explained, flashing a crunk-toothed grin. “But you can’t take the ghetto-fabulous out the pimp."