Friday, April 20

Area man succumbs to “cunt-force” trauma.

Heath, OH - In a Ledger exclusive, Licking County Medical Examiner Fred Goldstein finally revealed the cause of Michael Cornelius’ death late last evening. As you may recall, Cornelius’ body was found outside the Shady Lady strip club stark naked, the only immediate sign of foul play a badly broken penis.

“The injury was consistent with what we sometimes find after passionate 'Reverse-Ride-Em-Cowboy,' where the woman is riding the guy but facing the opposite direction so he can really see that ass. It's hot, but it can also be dangerous." Goldstein too casually explained. “A broken cock, like the one hanging limply from Mr. Cornelius’ groinal region, will instantly desufflate or flaccidize causing great pain. Pain that can kill a man. And that’s what seems to have happened in this case.”

The journalists assembled looked at each other, fairly certain their ears had deceived them but slowly coming to the conclusion that the city’s medical examiner had just, in fact, uttered the word, “cock,” on live television.

“So,” the ME continued, “the cause of death—pending toxicology reports, of course—is acute cunt-force trauma to the penis, which obviously snapped that thing in two causing great pain, humiliation and death.”

Cornelius’s name probably should have been withheld pending notification of his wife and family.