Monday, June 18

Erotic lighting newest stupid trend in home design.

Heath, OH — Tracy Oswalt wasn't sure how visitors to her new condo at Chapel Grove would respond when they saw her erotic, graphic lighting fixtures.

“Let’s just say I haven’t had Mom over for dinner.”

Oswalt, who claims she is not a lesbian, says he was strangely attracted to the vaginally-shaped fixtures when she spied them at Scandalabra’s in downtown Heath. The store, which opened its doors April 12, has been the subject of swirling controversy.

“Mostly it’s just them church groups, who can’t stand the thought of someone enjoying a good book under a large, phallic light source." says Scandalabra’s owner, Theo Jaspin.

“I suppose I should have gone for the ‘Towering Schlong Reading Lamp’, but I was looking for something to express my inherent femininity, and celebrate the essence of womanhood.” Oswalt said.

A quick once-over of Oswalt has convinced this reporter that her blood runs thick with testosterone, and she definitely owns a set of “man hands.” But I digress.

A visit to Scandalabra’s is sure to elicit either laughs, howls of disgust, or gaping maws not unlike that of the vaginal lights themselves.

Jaspin is excited about the store's future. "There are a lot more people looking for a Clitoris Nightlight out there than you'd expect. We're here to cater to them."