Friday, June 1

Priests get down to business.

Heath, OH — Father Joseph Moriarty and Father Daniel Bucelli aren’t just priests.

“We’re business priests.”

Business Priests are an emerging sect within Catholicism that have turned to helping corporate and small-business Americans with their problems through an Apostolic faith-based approach.

“We feel we offer a new direction to grow both the faith and hedge funds, if need be.” Bucelli says.

The duo specialize in Bathroom Stall Confessions, 'Execorcisms', IPO Blessings, and performing Stock Split Last Rites.

Other priests within the Catholic faith have been critical of the duo’s approach. Says Father Frederick O’Leary of St. Bernard’s Parish in neighboring Frazeysburg:

"Frankly, I don’t believe God is into trickle-down charity.”

This past week, the two conducted a rare ‘Execorcism’, in which they confronted Senior Vice President of Sales for TrueNorth Investments Group Greg Reynolds, who, after an unsuccessful business expansion pitch, became filled with self-doubt and anxiety over his career.

That session included some intense moments, in which Bucelli was forced to scream out, "The power of CEO Adam Neubaum compels you! The power of CEO Adam Neubaum compels you!"

The ‘charitable donation’ for an Execorcism is around $10,000.

Several co-workers troubled by the display were also offered what the priests have dubbed “Conference Room Counseling.”

Moriarty contends the monies earned from their work goes to worthy causes. Others, like Father O’Leary, disagree.

“Unless Ja Rule loaned him that cross around his neck, I’d say he’s turned his tithes into bling. I wish they'd excommunicate their asses.”