Monday, March 30

Attempted suicide turns deadly.

COLUMBUS, OH - An area man attempted to take his own miserable life yesterday, but couldn’t even do that properly.

Joseph Randall Simon, 45, was instead arrested and charged with the murder of his wife, Jill Simon, 42, an innocent by-stander who touched the lives of millions of people in her short time on earth.

“It appears the bullet entered through the underside of Mr. Simon’s chin,” investigating officer Hugh Smithson explained. “Then somehow tore out his mouth hitting Mrs. Simon in the area of left temple. It made quick mincemeat of her brain, then tore out her right ear … Hey, where you going? I’m not done describing this yet!”

Mrs. Simon leaves behind the countless young lives she touched through youth ministry, her pioneering work in AIDS research, the thousands she fed through the Jill Simon Soup Kitchen for the Homeless, and the good-for-nothing, recently laid-off husband who "inadvertently" killed her.

Joseph Simon is expected to make a full recovery, unfortunately.

Funeral and viewing services for Mrs. Simon have been moved to Ohio Stadium for crowd-control purposes. Additional details were not yet available as of press time.