Thursday, April 30

Paralyzed man “just froze” during crisis.

Heath, OH — A convenience store clerk is in serious condition at Heath General Hospital today after absorbing an early morning beating at the hands of armed robbers.

Maurice “Mo” Feldman, 68, suffered fractured eye sockets, a grade-three concussion and multiple abrasions during the attack. He also wet himself. His assailants made off with $62.00, a few Tiparillos® and some peppered beef jerky.

“It was awful,” local hooker Tawana Kresge said, having witnessed the entire incident through the storefront window. “Those guys were just wailing on Mo. And that son-of-a-bitch just sat there the whole time!” Kresge exclaimed, pointing a finger at area invalid, frequent customer and occasional panhandler David Walker. "He done froze!"

In Walker’s defense, subsequent surreptitious pinpricks have proven he is completely unable to move or feel anything below the waist.

“My bad, for sure.” Walker said. “I just froze up. Again. But let me point out that not EVERYTHING below the belt is dead … you know what I’m sayin’?”

Feldman is expected to make a complete recovery.