Wednesday, May 6

“Brogue” employee storms bakery, kills productivity.

Columbus, OH – With it’s shitty-tasting white bread no longer appealing to today’s discriminating and wheat-hungry bread eaters, the Sunbeam Bread company announced plans to close its kitchen doors for good here within the next couple months.

To keep its employees productive to the bitter end, management put numerous productivity-related incentives in place. But those enticements have proven no match for the comedic stylings of 38-year-old Master Baker Seth MacLean, whose well-timed Scottish Brogue continues to crack up the assembly line, and recently cost Mikey the bread slicer a good chunk of his right thumb and forefinger.

“Pretty soon we’ll be out of a job,” 38-year-old Master Baker Seth MacLean, 28, said. “I’m just trying to make the guys forget about that is all.” MacLean then turned to the guys, adjusted his hairnet and imaginary kilt for effect and screamed, “Yee bastahds bettah be gittin to worrrrrrrk! We cont teke it much morrrrrrrrrre.”

MacLean will mark 10 years with the company next week but says he looks forward to the challenges of certain, prolonged unemployment.

“We be gettin’ down to the heiney piece, lads.” MacLean said, using a last-piece-of-bread-in-the-loaf metaphor to prep the “troops” for battle. “Lits be givin these fardigin iceholes all wee got.”