Wednesday, May 13

Dear Aunt Carol,

I've been called to jury duty.

I know it's my civic responsibility to preside as a juror, and I take that responsibility seriously. However, work has been really hectic and I'm afraid of missing any time considering how the local economy has suffered. I'm not sure my employer, a small business owner struggling to make payroll month-to-month would appreciate my sudden week-long vacation.

I want to make my country and my employer proud. What should I do?


Citizen Jane, Newark.

Dear Betsy Ross,

Civic duty my patooty! Why spend your afternoons in a stuffy courtroom when you can be sleeping your way to the top? The business of business is business, honey, so don't let those government types get in the way of you and your "small business" owner.

Here's a handy and foolproof list of things to say to get out of jury duty. I keep it on the fridge next to my pharmacist's direct line and the kids "chore charts".

1. Is it okay to masturbate in the jury box?
2. I have to take a cigarette break every day at 2 pm. I smoke marijuana cigarettes. Is that a problem?
3. It's a shame Hitler only really had six good years to get on with things.
4. I have girl and boy parts down there, so I need to use both restrooms from time to time.
5. Speak louder ... the microphones in my nipples can't hear you.
6. The Constitution is great, it's that pesky 14th Amendment I could do without.
7. And then I said "Only $25 for a blowjob? Are you out of your mind Judge (insert Judge name here)?"
8. That's interesting, but we celebrate James Earl Ray Day in our household.
9. How much are the Neocons paying you?
10. Prosecute this! (Drop pants.)

Toss out one of these babies, Lady Liberty, and you'll be back "bringing home the sausage" in no time!


Aunt Carol

Aunt Carol is a dedicated housewife from a 1970s-era Naperville, Illinois suburb. She appears courtesy of Dan Bruckner Buick (921 State Route 79, Heath, Ohio), her pharmacist, and a time machine.