Wednesday, June 3

Delicious Big Mac ends local woman’s hunger strike.

Cleveland, OH - Five hours was all it took to end the hunger strike Kathryn Stone staged in protest of the treatment some Chinese people have to endure while being held against their wills, or something.

“I got lightheaded and dizzy. I couldn’t take it anymore.” She explained, wiping special sauce from the corner of her mouth with a napkin. “I was starving!”

Her inability to stick with something or complete any of the things she plans is typical of today’s youth. In the past year alone, Stone, 28, has staged similar four and five hour protests for abortion rights, the ethical treatment of animals, arts in schools, and other assorted blah, blah, blah.

“It’s the thought that counts, right? I mean, you can go five hours without eating for no reason, or you can do it to make a difference in someone’s life.” She said, speaking with her mouth full. “I chose the latter. Or the former. I forget which means which. Whatever.”