Monday, July 27

Company meeting theme upsets area retards.

Pickerington, OH - It sounds like an episode of NBC’s The Office. The Jamison Group, your basic “copy, ink & toner” franchise in town, recently held offsite training for its sales associates at an area park maintained by the city.

The “Special Sales Olympics” were designed to fire up employees and build morale, but all they managed to do was piss off the special needy, who also happened to be in town for a competition. And, sharing the very same athletic fields and facilities.

“What are the odds they’d have their events scheduled for this day and time?” Company sales manager Roger Spencer asked. “And what are the odds they’d have many of the same events as we have? THAT’S retarded.”

“I was riding my tricycle with my helmet on, having a hell of a time pedaling that thing.” Northeast regional manager John Swanson said. “Out of nowhere comes this kid. He starts wailing on me, thinking I’m making fun of him or something. A couple seconds later, he’s punching his own face! I was like, ‘Dude, whoa, ease up. What are you, retarded? ... Turns out, he was.”

“We certainly didn’t mean to make these people mad.” Company HR consultant Nancy S. Toole said, trying to smooth things over. “We just love the retarded. They’re special. And so cute. It’s just that, well, you know how they get. They’ll kill a small animal with their bare hands if you let them. And we didn’t want any part of that--”

“That’s right,” Roger Spencer chimed in, pushing Toole as far away from the microphone as possible. “We just wanted to bond a little, increase sales. We didn’t want to make anyone angry, especially the retarded. It's like my father always said, 'If you mess with someone who has more chromosomes than you, you'll be the one going Downs.'"