Monday, July 13

Former resident wasted testicles on things he didn’t really need.

Emeryville, CA - Mitch Johnson was a tax attorney in Lancaster, Ohio, for eleven years before giving it all up -- including his left testicle -- to work as a custodian at PIXAR.

“I guess I should have specified ‘in the animation department.’” Johnson said in falsetto, while vacuuming the cubicles in payroll.

Johnson, 41, was already down one ball when he offered up his left nut to work at PIXAR. In 2004, he sacrificed the right nugget to the testicle fairy to ensure a World Series championship for his beloved Boston Red Sox.

Now, wouldn't you know it, Johnson has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and has nary a testicle to offer the Gods in exchange for remission.

“If I had one, I’d give one.” Johnson said, mentally kicking himself. “Maybe some good will come from this, though ... Maybe it’ll convince people to be more judicious in their testicle offerings. You can’t just lay one on the chopping block for a piece of pizza or a cigarette. That's foolishness. You’ve got to keep one in your back pocket for things like, well, inoperable brain cancer.”

Mr. Johnson is trying to remain positive throughout his testicle-free cancer ordeal. He says he's going to work at PIXAR to the cruel end, adding, "At least I don't have ball cancer!"