Tuesday, September 8

Just five days before home opener, Browns coach Eric Mangini releases himself.

Cleveland, OH - With just under a week before the start of the regular season, NFL teams face difficult roster decisions as they’re forced to trim the number of active players down to the league-mandated 53.

The stress of those decisions has been getting to first-year Browns coach Eric Mangini. As has a steady diet of bacon double-cheeseburgers.

During a serious closed-door roundtable discussion to determine which players should be pared from the roster, Mangini dropped his pencil. When he bent to retrieve it the balloon knot of his anus called cadence, barking out a series of concussive hut-huts that rattled conference room windows and sent assistant coaches sprawling to the floor.

Voices beneath the table asked, “What the fuck?” “What did you eat?” Some screamed “Holy Shit!” while others called for "Jesus Christ!"

“My bad, guys.” Mangini offered, holding up his pencil. “Now where were we?”

Two hours later the doors of the conference room finally opened. Coaches spilled out bent over, covering their mouths, some still pinching their noses.

“It was awful.” Browns assistant coach Steve Hagen confided. “We were there to cut players … not the cheese. Closed room like that you expect some common courtesy.”

An anonymous holdover from last year’s coaching staff said, “Say what you will about Romeo Crennel … He never would have let that happen.”

They say Eric Mangini lives, eats and breathes the Browns. Well, today, he’s wearing them. Right there in his underpants.

The Browns open the season at home against the Vikings this Sunday at 1PM.