Tuesday, October 13

“Everything is fine,” area man insists.

Westerville, OH - Despite knowledge to the contrary, Westerville resident Tony Simmons, 41, insists everything is fine and life couldn’t be better.

Reached for comment shortly after enduring a four-hour procedure to remove a cancerous testicle, Simmons said he was looking forward to getting back to putting his resume and portfolio together for a series of supposed forthcoming job interviews.

“I’m this close to landing a job.” Simmons insisted — despite the fact no one within a 50 sq-mile radius is hiring, and the sole job up for grabs on the outskirts of sq-mile 51 is for that of part-time service station attendant.

If being sued by the federal government for back taxes and having your wife walk out on you is “fine,” we certainly wish Simmons “well.”