Tuesday, February 9

Area father speaks about the dangers of Roundhouse Kick Baby-Syndrome.

Heath, OH - An area father was released from prison last month after spending nearly two years behind bars for roundhouse kicking his now semi-retarded 28-month-old son in a colic-induced fit of rage.

As part of his release, David Brown, 27, is required to serve 1000 hours community service speaking out on the dangers of Roundhouse Kick Baby-Syndrome.

“I was lucky.” Brown said in front of a mostly disinterested high school auditorium. “My son flew across the room, bounced off the wall, hit his head on a table and landed in a soft beanbag chair. He’s not blind or anything, just a little mute and stuff. So it could have been much, much worse.”

For the most part, his message seemed to get through to the assembled juniors and seniors bussed in from high schools all across town.

“I hate kids, so I’d probably definitely roundhouse one if I couldn’t get it to stop crying.” One student said. “I’m going to wear two condoms from now on just to be safe.”

“Why the hell was he holding a guitar?” Another asked. 

One student completely missed the message. “I roundhoused a cat one time.” He admitted. “Never thought about doing it to a kid or nothing. I might try it on my niece. She’s such a crybaby.”