Friday, April 23

Area man has come to Jesus meeting with Jesus.

Columbus, OH - The last person Ronald Stephens wanted to see on a busy, meeting-filled Monday afternoon was Jesus Christ, but that’s presumably what happened moments after he suffered a massive coronary reading over the quarterly earnings reports on the shitter.

Coworkers learned of the tragic new job opening via intercom.

“My friends, if it smells like someone died in the second floor men’s room it’s because, well, someone did.” Company president Millard Stonebraker announced. “I’m sorry to report, Ronald Stephens is no longer with the company ... I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that our company softball team takes on those bastards at Miller Paper tonight at 6:30 at Hilltop Metro Park. See you there. And have a great day."

Funeral arrangements for Stephens have yet to be finalized.