Friday, April 2

Minnesota Twins name Kyra Sedgwick new ‘Closer.’

Minneapolis, MN — After losing Joe Nathan to a season-ending injury, the Minnesota Twins faced the 2010 season with a troubling challenge: Replacing the dominant force who saved 47 games a year ago.

After reviewing several options between major league free agents, non-roster invitees and their current crop of bullpen regulars, Twins management decided to pluck the plucky Sedgwick, 44, from her current role on the hit TNT series “The Closer” to fill Nathan’s sizeable cleats.

Gardenhire says: “She’s a top-notch investigator with unparalleled interrogation skills and a track record for closing nearly every case with a suspect’s confession. What else could we possibly want?”

Critics say that with no pitching experience whatsoever, Sedgwick is an awful choice for a team many pick to win the AL Central.  Gardenhire sought to quiet those critics. “I don’t care if she’s five-foot-nothin. Frankly, she’s got a better breaking ball than most of the other turds in our bullpen.”

Gardenhire continued singing Sedgwick’s praises: “She’s the only one from that shitfest Singles to win an Emmy … And she can lay down a mean bunt.”

Sedgwick’s future teammates aren’t so sure she’ll fit in. “I’ve never had to share a clubhouse with a girl before.” said third baseman and official team virgin Nick Punto. “I hope I don’t get cooties.”