Tuesday, May 18

Area homosexual diagnosed with
fruit lupus.

Lancaster, OH – Popular hairstylist Adam Barnes, 26, is in for the fight of his life, surpassing that time he and Kevin Jankiewicz had it out on the dance floor, bitch-slapping and pulling hair before just getting it over with and kissing.

“I noticed my knees were swollen ... I was like, OMG, what’s happening to me?" Barnes said with a stereotypical, almost surreal affectation.

His doctor had this to say about the diagnosis, completely ignoring confidentiality protocol:

“’Fruit’ lupus is characterized by chronic inflammation of the throat, colon, hands and knees. It’s an autoimmune disorder. Even with treatment, it’ll probably become what's called, 'full-blown' lupus.”

“Mr. Barnes,” he continued, using air quotes at the word mister, “presented with a pink shirt, earrings, and incredibly low testosterone levels. He didn’t respond to pictures of naked females ... The gaping anus sealed the diagnosis, I'd say.”

A stoic Barnes seemed prepared for the long battle ahead.

“It’s painful.” He said. “But no more painful than some of the things I’ve been through — if you know what I mean.”