Tuesday, June 15

Blind tailor a 'constant prick.'

Heath, OH — A recently blinded tailor has the greater Heath community up in arms ... with perfectly-styled sleeves!

Edward Semple, 77, owner/operator of Top Kut Tailors on Whatever Street was rendered sightless three months ago by the accidental misuse of Formula 409.  That, he says, was now a blessing in disguise as Top Kut is having it's best year in a long while.

Without the luxury of sight, Semple has relied on a new-found deftness of touch to guide his aged hands. Fifty-two years of experience in tailoring combined with a keen tactility has made Semple the go-to asshole for the community's alterations. Top Kut regular Gerry Rossman agrees:

"He told me I felt a litte Asian in the crotch. At first, I was like 'what the hell does that mean', then I realized he was mocking my manhood."

Rossman was infuriated, that is, until he tried on the newly-fitted pants.

"He sewed in some extra padding, you know ... down there. I've never caught so many ladies' eyes in my life. Thanks jackass blind tailor!"

Top Kut patron Paula Hamilton also initially had doubts about Semple's ability:

"I've added some weight over the winter and I was having him, um, add a little to a dress for an upcoming wedding ... he swept his hands across my 'fupa' and told me 'less pad thai, more tae bo.'"

"I was appalled. I swore I would never return. But darn if that dress didn't fit perfectly ... I got so many complements."

Customers are getting used to the Top Kut routine: Insults before results.

At first, local businessman Grady Landis couldn't believe his ears. "There he is, that old sightless bastard, caressing my buttocks, telling me there's enough cottage cheese in these to feed a third world country — the nerve!"

Now, he can't believe his eyes.

"All I could think was lawsuit! ... Now, three-piece suit."