Thursday, June 17

Tippy Canoe and Tyler 2

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School 

Heath, OH — Hey guys, Janice here. ZOMG! I can't believe I'm like a regular columnist or whatever. I'm like that really really ancient reporter lady who just got fired for being like Adolph Hilton. But I'm totally cuter, right?

I'm here to talk about History, which I'm like an expert on or whatever. It's not like geometry — which sucks. Wait a minute, my editor might need to edit that out so Mrs. Petry doesn't see it.

History is easy to learn cuz it's already happened or whatever. Anywho, like a long time ago, there was this hairy dude who was running for President back in like the 20th century or whatever. They all called him Tippy Canoe because, well, like, he would never sit down in the canoes when they were canoeing and he would always tip them over and get everyone all wet. He was kind of a jerk, I guess, but the people thought it was kind of funny and they called him that.  His real name was William Harry Henderson, and like I said he was real hairy, and he was the inspiration for that Harry and the Hendersons movie — which I saw on the CW last weekend. It was stupid.

Anyways, the other guy, like his vice president guy was Tyler 2. That's cuz there was another Tyler who was already like the President sometime, or Secretary of the State or something, so he was the second Tyler. They couldn't just say "Hey Tyler, because the other Tyler guy, the first one, would be like 'what?' but then they'd have to say 'no, not you, the other Tyler.'"  It's so confusing because we have two Tylers in my class. Tyler Gates is like, pretty hot and he has Robert Pattinson hair, which is a total bonus. Tyler Diurba is a buttwad who once tried to impregnate my friend Holly by kissing her and then jizzing in a hot tub. True story, but I regress.

So some guy wrote this awesome song (it was like Alejandro at that time or something.)  about them and it got them totally elected to The White House, which was cool I guess.

Anyways — you could totally google this stuff to check it out since it's historical. Also, I'm on Twitter now, so like, follow me or whatever.