Wednesday, July 21

Area church keeps flock guessing.

Chillicothe, OH - The Church of the Heavenly Ham was formed as an alternative for people who’ve grown disenchanted with today’s “organized” religions, but its purposefully disorganized nature has created more than a few challenges in its first year of operation.

“We have a non-binding set of random principles, plus 10 ‘suggestions’ for living a better, more spiritual life.” Pastor Greg McRoberts said. “Only the Ham of God can take away the sins of the earth … or something like that.”

We asked the church’s ‘Secretary of the Week’ Gladys Smithson how many people were in the congregation. She said, “We don’t really write anything down—evidence or whatever—so only God knows. I’d say like 300 … give or take a couple hundred.”

“What I love most about this place is it’s not your typical crazy right-wing organized religion—with a God, a Jesus, and a loosely defined but all-important Holy Spirit.” Heavenly Ham member Thomas Dawkins said, his wife and children arranged around him like little angels. “We just sit around, shoot the shit, and do whatever we damn-well please. It’s awesome.”

“We may be disorganized, but there’s always ham at the after-service buffet.” Mrs. Dawkins added. “It’s heavenly … or what I imagine heaven would taste like.”