Tuesday, August 10

Man donates 13 cents to
“help” Jerry’s Kids.

Piketon, OH — The purchase of a Big Grab Chili Cheese Fritos and a 24-ounce ‘tall-boy’ IceHouse Beer at a nearby convenience store is going a little, almost microscopic way to helping those with muscular dystrophy and related diseases have a brighter future.

Piketon resident Lester McClung tossed the remaining change from his purchase into an MDA-sponsored donation can on the check out counter.

“Well, them cripples need all the help they’s (sic) can get.” McClung beamed when asked about his paltry beneficence.

Thanks to McClung, a dime and three pennies are now en route to Tuscon, Arizona to provide near-imperceptible comfort to one of “Jerry’s Kids.”

MDA is the nonprofit health agency dedicated to curing muscular dystrophy, ALS and related diseases by funding worldwide research. The Association also provides comprehensive health care and support services, advocacy and education.

Ironically, 12 cents out of every dollar donated to the MDA goes to cover organizational and administration costs. The remaining 88 cents goes directly to those in need.

Local MDA Chairperson Isis Styles lamented that McClung’s ‘generosity’ could actually cost the organization money.

“Processing the donation — the man hours, the paperwork — will probably be somewhere in the two hundred dollar range. So, we’ll be taking a net loss. Thank God above for write-offs.”

The only way for McClung’s feeble goodwill to make much of a difference is if it is bundled by other outpourings from patrons of the Duke & Duchess Shoppe convenience store on 615 B West Street.

A shake of the donation can, however, reveals that this seems an unlikely outcome.

When reached for comment, iconic MDA National Chairman comedian Jerry Lewis sighed heavily and said “Who is this cheap asshole? We should arrange a meet-and-greet with one of my kids so they can thank him with a personal cock punch.”