Thursday, August 19

Police find necroleptic man sleeping at morgue.

Heath, OH - Police found a naked man sleeping between two overturned corpses at the county morgue yesterday, the long-ash of a cigarette still burning in his right hand.

James R. MacMullen, 45, suffers from a sleepy yet sexy blend of narcolepsy and necrophilia called necrolepsy, an extremely rare, usually deadly combination.

“Most people with this disease combination are killed by an angry mob of the victim’s relatives.” Dr. Thomas Drew offered from the emergency room three floors above the morgue. “It’s unclear how this man was able to survive this long.”

It took officers a full 30 minutes to rouse MacMullen from his post-coital slumber and bring him into custody, the first 20 of which was spent cleaning up their own vomit.

“Sick bastard. He’ll be fucking his own corpse in prison one day—if he’s not too tired.” Officer Jesse Standifer said, still visibly shaken. “The general population puts these people right up there with child molesters.”

Further details were withheld pending notification of the families of the late Gladys Smith, 92, and Stanley Johnson, 67.