Thursday, September 23

Japanese pitcher still waiting to break into majors.

Talented hurler would be Major League's first Homo.

Hokkaido, Japan — Japanese All-Star pitcher Nideo Homo would love to make his next start in an American city, playing Major League Baseball.

Homo has watched other Japanese pitchers like Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hiroki Kuroda make their debuts in the United States, and he just wants the same opportunity. He believes he has the same , if not more talent than those players — but that the similarity to former Major Leaguer Hideo Nomo is what holds him back.

Homo, a seven-year veteran for the Nippon Ham Fighters in the Pacific League, thinks his time is now.

Homo and Charlie Sheen, left.
"I've done all I can. It is now up to the fairies and godmothers of the great baseball universe." Homo said, via someone we believe to be his translator.  "They must pass ultimate judgment or else I will live with shame of a thousand generations, in a rowboat tied to a black swan in the waters off coast of Hell." 

Homo boasts an arsenal of pitches, anchored by the famed 99 mile-per-hour "Flaming Anus."

"The ball spins in such a way as to create the effect of one staring into a giant asshole. It is mesmerizing, like the actor James Woods."  said Homo's pitching coach and former major league pitcher Ken Holtzman.

This season alone, Homo has won 17 games with an league-leading ERA of 2.67.

Holtzman showered Homo with more praise "He's too good to pass up, that's for sure. Hitters really like to try to smack his Flaming Anus, but end up flailing around like little man boys."

Ham Fighter fans have nicknamed Homo "Robot Dog Sex Machine" for his amazing accomplishments.

Homo is also an avid follower of American pop culture.   He has a pet ferret named Charlie Sheen and a squid named Advil Lavigne. He also has every episode of Who's The Boss? on laserdisc.

Despite the lack of interest from Major League clubs, Homo is still optimistic:

"I know day will come when Seattle Mariners make mind-boggling sexual imposition on general managers of Japan. Refuse will not happen, but golden-happy sunshine of professional service will be upon us, and it make us feel super delicious."

If he does make the majors, Homo does plan on hiring a new translator.