Thursday, January 6

Homeless man has unique talent for being homeless.

Columbus, OH — For Joseph R. Dimaggio, life has been a constant struggle. Unlike most people, Dimaggio was born without any discernable talent. He can’t sing, he can’t juggle, nor can he write best-selling novels or deftly defend murderers in a court of law. He has a face for radio and a voice for print.

Unlike fellow homeless person, golden-voiced Ted Williams, who captured the world’s imagination on a viral video, there are no job offers awaiting Dimaggio, unless an entrepreneur out there is searching for America’s Next Pants Pisser.

A string of odd-jobs is all Dimaggio has been able to lay claim to in his pathetic life. He once eeked out a meager existence as a stand-in, but those days are long since past.

For the last 19 months, Dimaggio has staked out a small parcel of land near I-270 and Roberts Road, hoping to attract motorists to his ongoing plight.

To date, no single person has approached him.

His hand-written cardboard sign reads “Hoplessly homless (sic).” It makes no mention of his utter lack of talent nor his null skill set, but most passing by are keenly aware of his extreme unemployability.