Tuesday, May 17

Local woman suffers from "Crones" disease.

Study shows woman the 'oldest' 27 year-old on record.

Grandview, (OH) — Doris Margaret Schallmer doesn't act her age.

A healthy twenty-seven years young, Schallmer has the physical features and mental acumen of a much older woman.

"I would approximate her real age at about 79 years old." offered completely random physician Dr. Irvin Squalor when we stumbled upon him in the courtyard. "She knits. Crochets. Does that other shit — needlepoint? Yeah, she's a total oldster."

Despite her claims to the contrary, Schallmer doesn't even seem to be young at heart.

"She yelled at me to get off of her yard ... she doesn't even have a yard. This is an available singles condominium complex!" said neighbor Justin Doushay.

The aptly-named Doushay continued: "Us bros were hanging out at the hot tub with some Keystones, waiting for some of the ladies, when she shows up in a swimsuit with pants saying she wants to soak her corns!"

Further investigation revealed Doushay was indeed standing outside Schallmer's bathroom window when the "yard" confrontation occured.

"What can I say? I'm into cougars, but this is fucking ridickless."

Tugging at her constant shawl, Schallmer wobbles unsteadily on a cane with tennis balls covering the feet.  She dons thick, completely unnecessary bifocals to read the nutrition facts on a canister of pitted prunes, then complains of her impending blindness.

She lives a life of idle loneliness, lamenting letting her TV Guide subscription lapse.  She maintains an illustrious coupon collection and is a devout reader of weekly Bridge columns.  The highlights of her day are few and far between  — a cup of tea here, a bowel movement there.

For Schallmer, life hasn't been the same since Paul Harvey's final broadcast.

Ironically (or not), a large poster of Matlock hangs above her bed.  In her spare time, Schallmer practices hymnals on her Hammond H-100 organ.

A follow-up with Dr. Squalor revealed Schallmer's case was probably unprecedented and would make a pretty cool TV movie.

"Maybe something starring Ricki Lake. Did she get fat again?"