Monday, April 2

Hiring freeze at area cryogenics lab.

Heath, OH - Effective immediately, Extended Life Cryonics (ELC) Laboratory has instituted a hiring freeze. No new employees will be hired and 30 positions have been eliminated.

“People just aren’t putting their dying, cancer-riddled relatives into deep freeze like they used to, hoping one day we find a cure.” Chief Marketing Officer Charles Lin said. “It could be the economy. Could be this is all just an incredible waste of time, space and money.”

“This is the second time this has happened to me.” Liquid nitrogen specialist Joe Long said lamenting his fate at ELC. “The first time was back when I worked at Alcor out in Arizona … We got caught using Ted Williams’s head as a volleyball. It was hard. Losing the job, I mean. Although the Splendid Splinter’s head was pretty hard too.”

ELC’s doors will remain open where it’s business as usual. Even though that business is decidedly unusual.

“Remember, we also freeze-dry pets.” Lin reminded us after our tour of the facility. “You guys want your pets to live forever, right? Come on. Throw us a bone.”