Monday, June 11

Jay Cutler's offseason excuse workout in full swing.

HOMER GLEN, IL — It's only June, but Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler appears to be in midseason excuse-making form.

Unlike other NFL players who are off-the-cuff with their rationalizations of poor play, Cutler diligently prepares and scripts at least 15 mitigations per game, ranging from stone-handed wide receivers to play calling mishaps.

Cutler speaking with "reporters." 
Beyond blaming an unsteady offensive line, Cutler is currently testing weather-related cop-outs.

"There's a reason they call this the breezy city." he said, speaking into a wooden spoon "microphone" duct-taped to cardboard podium set up in dining room of his newly-built home.

Cutler's girlfriend, actress Kristin Cavallari has been playing the parts of Suzy Kolber and Lesley Visser on the backyard "sideline."

"It's been a grueling workout," Cavallari explained, "He's on two-a-days ... really pulling out all the stops generating a lot of reasons why the Bears won't win big this season."

Even Soldier Field is not immune to Cutler's justifications, as he ticked off several reasons the Bears home field is unsuitable for winning.

"The turf, the lights, the crowd, the dugouts ..."

Cutler is also putting together plans to have either an "ouchy" or a "boo boo" this season that might compromise the team's level of play.

"Critics say he's not dedicated, that his heart's not in the game. How can you say that about someone so devoted?" Cavallari wondered as she watched Cutler work on his extensive sulking and pouting drills.