Wednesday, October 28

Area woman tired of this shit.

Dolores "Dolly" Lama
HEATH, OH – Dolores “Dolly” Lama, 53, has no wisdom to offer. She’s no guru. She can’t even find Tennessee on a map, let alone Tibet. She’s just another lonely divorcee working the registers at Macy’s. Despite all that, at least once per week, she’s greeted by a pack of idiots at her front door convinced that his holiness, the Dalai Lama, has taken up residence in Heath, Ohio.

While the Dalai Lama is quoted as saying, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Dolores Lama is quoted as yelling, “Fuck off!” and “Don’t you understand English? Amscray!" to visitors seeking to bask in her light. 

While sipping tea in the kitchen of her spartan home, a knock on the door interrupted our conversation. She cinched her robe, letting out an exasperated “Geez, Louise." When she returned, she said, “I don’t know who these people think I am. If I’ve told once I've told them a thousand times, only family members can use my 15% Macy’s discount!”