Thursday, April 11

Laundry crisis forces area man to deploy pair of 'emergency jeans.'

HEATH, OH — Hank Turnbull knew he was forgetting something.

"I got groceries. Fifteen MegaMillions tickets -- that frikkin' jackpot is up to $346 mil! Smokes. Plug. Gassed up the Aztek."
The County Seat.

Upon a quick peek at the overstuffed garbage bags in the back of the aforementioned Pontiac, it hit him.

What Hank forgot to do was any "God-damned laundry."

As a result, Turnbull is left with little to wear on his lower body for tomorrow's scheduled Tindr date with 38-year old divorced mother of two, Desiree Guardiola. The plan is dinner at the Red Oak Pub, and then perhaps a bowl or two at Park Lanes, depending upon Desiree's profile-claimed case of fibromyalgia.

Without any normal legwear, he plans to deploy what he refers to as 'emergency jeans' and let the chips fall where they may. "Maybe she's into nostalgia. Or irony."

Originally purchased from a now-long-defunct County Seat in the Indian Mound Shopping Center, the pair in question is Lee 101 pleated, high-waisted straight-leg acid wash jeans, size 31-inch waist.

An ongoing methamphetamine habit has Hank back to his high school fighting weight, so he believes the fit shouldn't be a problem.

Turnbull last wore the jeans in a non-necessity situation in February 1993 on stage at the Fraternal Order of Eagles' "Buckeye Battle of the Bands." His band, The Groove Tubes, performed a four-song set of funk-grunge featuring the modest local college radio hit "Work's for Jerks." They finished fourth in voting out of seven bands.

"They looked really good back then. I mean, they probably look good now, too, you know?"

No, Hank, we don't.