Tuesday, May 7

Voice of Jesus tells Mount Vernon man to "be nice" "do good works"

MOUNT VERNON, OH — Thomas Whittaker isn't what you call a pious man. He has found himself, however, as an unlikely conduit for the voice of God.

"I think the word you're looking for is agnostic." He told the Ledger.

Whittaker was in his garage working on his prized 1985 Mercury Topaz when he heard a strange-but-soothing voice in his head that told him to "do good deeds" and to "do unto others as you would have them do to you."

The sun of God.
Whittaker recognized some of that language from a decades-old fleeting association with The Mount Vernon First Presbyterian Sunday School, but he was still unsure of who was speaking to him.

After a few incorrect guesses, the voice finally said, "Jesus Christ, you idiot, it's Jesus Christ!"

Then, Whittaker said, the voice began to instruct him on how to be a better person, which he found odd.

"The voice of Jesus usually tells people to eat babies or drive their car off a cliff or harass hobos. It was really weird that he was telling me to just be a good person."

Last week in Corpus Christi, Texas, a woman claimed the voice of Jesus told her to drown her canary, which she unfortunately did. In 2017, an Indiana man asserted that Christ instructed him to marry a wolf and move to Outer Mongolia. A recent update found that he was still "looking for an attractive but available wolf."

The atypical directions led Whittaker to believe that he was crazy. Or that quite, possibly, he was communicating with a false God.

This Doubting Tom even went so far as to ask the voice "why me?"

"He got kind of huffy and took his dad's name in vain, which was wild. Then he said something like 'I'm on the w's,' like he has a big list like Santa or something. Which makes sense ... they're like both, imaginary people who only show up once a year."

Whittaker was then immediately struck with a bolt of lightning.

Thanks to wearing both an earring and a toe ring, he is expected to fully recover.