Friday, July 12

According to poorly written condolence, heaven has gained a new "angle."

HEATH, OH - In an effort to put the extent of his grief into words and comfort the family of recently deceased Heath woman Charlotte Russell, 29, a local man summoned all the powers of his high school diploma to put into words precisely what this loss meant to him. In an online guest book, Kurt Simmons, 30, of Heath wrote that "Heaven had done gained a new angle this week." 

Without a character count-limit the condolence rambled on. 

"Me and Charlotte were kind a thing back in the day. She may have mentioned me. Such a sweet ass. Sorry for your loss. She was an absolut (sic) champ in the sack. We're all put on this earth for a reason. i think that was hers. I hope you take some comfit (sic) in that. Thank you.

"The internet is kind of new territory for us," a spokesman for Graves' Funeral Home said. "We didn't have the foresight to include a 'delete' option for our online condolences. Mr. Simmons's words will echo in the afterlife forever, we're afraid. We're terribly sorry." 

It's not all bad news however. Charlotte's grandmother has glaucoma and will soon be completely blind or worse. She'll never read a single word of it.

Our condolences to the Russell family. We wish we had known Charlotte personally back in high school.