Friday, May 22

Hey’all, longtime NASCAR driver Kyle Petty here. I’m here to talk about this Covid-19 lockdown business. I don’t know if you’ve ever been locked down before, but I can tell you from experience, thanks to a certain older sibling, it’s not a lot of fun. I’ve been forced to socially distance myself at least two laps down on some occasions. 

I know a lot of you good people have been furloughed or laid off. It’s not fun not working — and I should know. I basically had my career quarantined by a guy who makes Gretchen Whitmer look like a Fellow from the Mises Institute.  Tyranny comes in all shapes, sizes, and mustaches. And you wonder why some guys end up with a nickname like “King.”  I’m a citizen, not a subject! 

You try bein’ under house arrest in Level Cross, North Carolina. There’s only so many times you can take out from Hardee’s. I’ve had everything on the menu … twice! My cholesterol is probably redlining on the backstretch of the speedway of my arteries, to wax pathetic.

Wise Janis Joplin said “Freedom is just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” Well heck y’all, I had to lose a lot so a certain overbearing relative could put more feathers in his ridiculous cowboy hat.  Now the only thing I have left to lose is this prodigious coiffure. I ain’t had a haircut in over 2 months and I’m starting to look like Crystal Gayle on Pop Goes the Country!

Now, I’ll tell you a one-size-fits-all approach ain’t the right idea for the whole dang country, just like it ain’t the right idea for a racing team. Heck, in Level Cross, our idea of public transit is hitchin’ a ride with the Mayor.  So I say it’s time to let the people make their own choices and decide for themselves. Thanks to a certain motherbrother, it’s a real foreign concept around here! 

Well, that’s all for now. Stay safe and keep drivin’ y’all!