Thursday, May 28

Unwitting first responder performs ass-to-mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

VAN NUYS, CA - A 911 call at 4:36 in the afternoon sent responders from Station 98 scrambling into action. A ladder truck and ambulance raced 8 blocks, sirens wailing, to a nondescript office park where they found a naked woman in cardiac distress.

Firefighter Johnny Swanson, 29, was part of a CPR double-team. His partner pumped the naked woman's chest as he breathed air into her set of lungs.

"I noticed she had massive breasts." Swanson said. "For a second I remember thinking, man, I wish I was doing the compressions, but Billy beat me to them. Then in between breaths, I noticed the naked guy with a semi-erection in the corner, all the lights and cameras. I was, like, what the hell is going on here?"

What had been going on there, minutes prior, was the feverish fucking climax of a movie titled, Paralysis by Anal, Sis.

"I thought she was foaming at the mouth." Swanson said, his eyes somewhere far away. "It wasn't foam."

The hero first-responders managed to bring Jillian J. Jugs, 34, back to life. She was transferred to Valley Presbyterian where she remains in stable condition after undergoing a battery of tests and enduring the advances of the guy who changes bedpans.

Swanson has been prescribed a course of antibiotics but has found no effective treatment for warding off the playful ribbing of guys in the firehouse.