Friday, August 21

Nation's gunmen demand schools reopen

- While our right to pursue happiness continues to fuel the spread of coronavirus throughout the country, many schools have delayed reopening or have chosen distance-learning over in-person education.

This has put additional undue strain on people--moms and dads forced to juggle employment and childcare, as well as our nation's school shooters, a group as forgotten as a pile of dead children, who've been forced to decide between doing something productive with their lives and continuing to masturbate to hate-spewing Russian bots while living in their parents’ basements. 

"What am I supposed to do, stew some more?” One easy-to-spot societal problem said. “It's hard to stay angry for this long. I need to kill some people now."

While many schools have failed to reopen, an equal number have rolled the dice, mostly in states where the citizenry portray their anger against wearing masks as a love of freedom, not the absence of responsibility. 

“This has got to start! I am losing my motivation here.” Another psychopath with eyes too close together said while stroking the barrel of an assault weapon. “I need to cut loose on some innocents and get my name on CNN. First. Middle. And last.” 

Future forgotten lunatic Anthony Michael Thomas added, "I hope we can get back to some sort of normalcy real soon."