The Heath Ledger

Starbucks first-timer orders “Triple Latte Soy Grande.”

2012-01-10T14:56:00.000-05:00

Heath, OH - The future actors and musicians working the drive-thru at a local Starbucks had a good chuckle today when area Mormon, Pat Morter, piloted his Nissan Maxima up to the speaker box.

“I’ll have a Triple Latte Soy Grande.” Morter spoke, confidently. “A Triple Grande Soy Latte!?” came the immediate, snarky, disembodied reply, along with some snickers from members of the crew who hadn’t muted their headgear.

Morter would like to point out he was ordering for a passenger in his car, as he is forbidden from sullying the temple of his body with caffeine in accordance with Mormon scripture.

“Some in the Church take that to mean just hot coffee and down Coke and Mountain Dew like the dehydrated heathens they are.” He pointed out, righteously. “I’ll have none of that ... I mean I’ll watch a rated-R movie occasionally when the wife isn’t around, or masturbate. Sometimes simultaneously.”

Acting career officially in the shitter.

2012-01-05T12:22:00.001-05:00

Heath, OH — Failed writer, artist, singer, waiter, barista and short-order cook Walter Fancy could have been a pretender, but can now add “actor” to his ever-growing list of failed career pursuits.

“People just weren’t digging my scene out in LA, they weren’t feeling my vibe.” Fancy said from his position in the unemployment line. “It’s their loss, man. I’m a versatile, multi-talented actor. Fuck those ass-hats.”

Friends say that if “delusional” were an occupation, the 37 year-old Fancy would be living in a luxury high-rise right now pulling in six figures, rather than living in his parents' moldy basement on Joann Court and selling their stuff on e-bay.

“I wish I knew what the fuck color my parachute was.” Fancy finally admitted, breaking down in tears. “Maybe I should go back to school or something. I’ve always wanted to open a surf shop downtown. Yeah. Maybe that’s what I’ll do.”

At last check, approximately 500 miles separated Heath from the nearest ocean wave.

Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia.

2011-12-25T22:17:00.001-05:00

We take little pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great embarrassment that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Ledger:

Dear Editor—

I am thousands of years old. Some of my little friends, er, employees say there is no Virginia. Mrs. Claus says, “If you see it in The Ledger, it’s shit.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Virginia?

Santa Claus

Santa, your little friends, er, employees are wrong. They have been affected by the ignorance of an ignorant age. They do not believe except they see — probably on TV. And no current television shows are set in the great commonwealth of Virginia. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Santa, whether they be men’s or children’s, or ‘elven’, are little. Even yours, as evidenced by the letter above. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge, and that there are 50-odd states here in our union. Frankly, they are probably screwing with you so that you skip Virginia on your annual Christmas Eve jaunt to dispense gifts to the world’s children, piss off a lot of Virginians, and have to go back on the 26th or something to make everything right (which would be a total embarrassment to yourself, right?)

Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia. It exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and unfortunately, also as West Virginia exists. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Virginia! No Roanoke! No Norfolk! No Blue Ridge Parkway! It would be as dreary as if there were no Marylands. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence, save for the childlike faith of Dakotans and Kentuckians, Maya Angelou, and a well-worn Danielle Steel novel or two. We should have no Virginia Hams, Moses Malone, no Wayne Newton, no Willard Scott, no Cyrus H. McCormick (and thus no grain reaper!), no Ward Burton, nor any mention of the Piedmont.

Not believe in Virginia! You might as well not believe in the North Pole. You might get your wife to hire men to watch all of the highways and byways of this great county to spy a license plate from Virginia. But even if they did not see one, what would that prove? Not everyone has been to Virginia, but that is no sign that there is no Virginia. (Actually, there is a sign – it’s the Welcome to Virginia one on I-95.) The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men, nor elves — for pete’s sake, can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? If you answered yes, then, you sir, are a bigger fool than I had originally surmised. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world — that would be super cra-zay. That person was probably Albert Einstein, but alas, he is dead.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the baby cry, because now there is a broken rattle, which the baby would like to play with, but now that a jerk like you has broken it, the baby is shit out of luck per the rattle. (But I digress.) There is a veil covering the unseen world, and a lot of Islamic women, which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived (except perhaps Arnold Schwarzenegger) could tear apart. Is it all real? Ah, Santa Claus, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. You can thank Thomas Jefferson and his fellow white slaveowners for that! For Rill-a!

No Virginia! Thank God! It lives and lives forever (or until the fall and destruction of the United States.) A thousand years from now, Santa, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, (okay, I’m pushing it, but you comprehend dramatic license don’t you? I mean, you fly around in a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer for crying out loud!) it will continue to be a tourist destination for one and all. And remember, Santa (and Mrs. Claus), Virginia is for lovers!

2011-12-21T08:33:00.000-05:00

Are there any good anti-white slurs I could appropriate for my latest hip-hop album?

SUBJECT: Sophisticated Bigotry, or lack thereof.
COMMONTATOR: Derek Piatkowski (a.k.a. MCWickadPolack)

Holla. MCWickadPolack in the house. Yo, all. What up?

I tell you what up wit me. I need to jack up my rhymes wit some dope slang, but all I got is lame-ass shit from way back when.

Black rappers are so lucky. They got the N-word. For reals. They've taken it, and turned that motha inside out. Preverterated that shit. Like a badge of honor.

But let's get real for a second. I want my own n-word to throw back in your face. Problem is, as I see it, you people (that's right, I said "you people") have been frontin' on the white slur front.

Whitey? The best you can do is stick a 'y' on the end of white?

Cracker? Where am I, 1956 Atlanta? A Nabsico factory? That's the sexist equivalent of calling a ho a ho. Ninja, please.

Honky? Only if The Jeffersons were still swampin' teh televitz.

Listen, I'm gonna drop the shiz, so I can all gets real for you. Hardcore.

Let's face it. The whole anti-white bigotry scene is lame. Minorities need to step up their race game — stop messing around at the low end of the racism Bell Curve, if you know what I mean.

Get out of the shallow end of the shallow thinking pool. It's time for all you non-whites to bring it with some new, out-of-the-box insultage. Get hurtful. Take all that shit you've gone through for eons of time and turn it around. Channel it into a white-hot ball of white hate. And then, let if flow. Think of every champagne-colored Camry you've seen in your life. Think about baseball ... Malcolm Gladwell ... Old Navy ... TED Conferences ... Talbot's and Talbot's Petites.

Or just think about the last McDonalds' commercial you saw. I don't how you guys still put up with that condescending shiz.

Or you could just go on talking about my lack of dance moves or my ass inferiority. That's innovative and especially hurtful, believe me.

Go ahead, look up 'white racial slurs' at Urban Dictionary. Mothafucka's not even defined yet!

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Whites have teams of expert word scientists working round the clock in some Swiss village propagating new horribly derogatory terms for the more pigmented among us. Millions of dollars are being funneled through Chik-Fil-A franchises and Aaron's Rental businesses into this diabolical global effort.

It's sad but true. What do you have? Six guys on a stoop in Milwaukee?

Listen to me. It's not fair. But it never has been. It's going to take a special effort. Think of it as a Million Man March, only with a purpose.

So, get up, take off your bedroom slippers, put your marching boots on, and gets real with the white hatred. Bring it, yo, cuz I can't omnipotize my dope rhymes without that heavy-duty shiz.

LEDGER FLASHBACKKim Jong Il “ill” with pancreatic cancer. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

2011-12-19T11:41:00.001-05:00

Somewhere in North Korea – Well, what do you know? There is a God. And He, like the rest of the world, has tired of the antics of lifelong shit-bag North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il.

That bloody stool, it turns out, was not shed “For the people,” as stated in government-controlled press reports. It was the beginning of end-stage pancreatic cancer, one of the more deadly cancers in town. God’s earthly judgment for being such a colossal douche.

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. But it certainly does make you wonder what Patrick Swayze ever did to deserve his pancreatic cancer. Dancing like that would be our guess. But we digress.

North Korean “intelligence” officials deny there’s anything ill with Il. They insist he is, “healthy as horse” and “can’t come to phone right now because he in making love process to hundred sex slave at one moment. He call you back.”

Just tell him the rest of the world called. And so long, sucker.

Kraft Foods Lunchables now include fruit.

2011-12-19T08:33:00.001-05:00

Northfield, IL — Correcting a decades-long oversight, Kraft Foods has announced that it was adding fruit options to it's popular line of Oscar Mayer brand Lunchables lunchtime favorites.

A slightly-healthier version of the pre-packaged meals hit shelves seven months ago, but still draw the ire of nutritional experts who see the meals as part of the problem, not a new solution in the fight against childhood obesity.

Even Lunchables Product Manager Walter Stolls contends that Lunchables are probably "not the way to go" for Moms looking to boost their children's nutritional intake.

"I thought we had a fruit compartment? Yes?"

Stolls was shocked to learn that over the past 23 years, Kraft's Lunchables Planning and Processing departments neglected to fill said fruit compartment with any kind of discernable fruit.

"This one contains a Hershey Zero bar ... is that a fruit?" asked Stolls.

When informed that the Zero bars were from leftover Iraq War K-rations and could not be legally defined as fruit, Stolls was dumbfounded.

"You mean we've been leaving the fruit spot empty all these years? Holy shit ... I'm honestly surprised the FDA wasn't all over our asses. I mean, look at the crap we put in these things."

Stolls confided that only "35.7%" of Lunchables are actually suitable for lunch.

Lori Rogers-Blakely (formerly Lori Rogers-Furmano, formerly Lori Rogers) of the Cafeteria Under Nutrition Taskforce (formerly the School Lunch Under-nutrition Team) still isn't pleased with Kraft's lack of progress on the healthy lunch front.

"In order to get minimum daily fiber from a Lunchable, I'd have to eat the cardboard packaging."

"Boo-hoo." replied Stolls, who did later admit that despite Rogers-Blakely's antagonism towards Lunchables products, she was totally "do-able."

Ghost of Al Davis Roster Management Past still haunts Raiders front office.

2011-12-15T09:08:00.004-05:00

Oakland, CA — The Oakland Raiders could be playoff-bound this season, but doubts about the organization's direction and future loom after a series of suspect player moves.

Head Coach and acting General Manager Hue Jackson often wonders aloud about his personnel decisions, leading to many in the organization to believe he's being inhabited by a higher power.

That power? The ghost of former Raiders owner and GM Al Davis.

"I was suddenly compelled to trade our 2019, 2020, and 2021 first round draft picks for the rights to negotiate with Dennis Haysbert. Now, Dennis Haysbert is an amazing actor, but he doesn't even fucking play football!" Jackson lamented. "What in the world of holy hell am I doing?"

Jackson stunned the NFL world by dealing the Raiders 2012 first round pick and a conditional second rounder (which could become another first round pick) to the Cincinnati Bengals for aging quarterback Carson Palmer. While Palmer has improved the Raiders' passing attack for the time being, several experts think the Raiders "lost" the deal with the Bengals, and mortgaged their long-term future for dubitable short-term gain.

Jackson confides that sometimes, Davis does speak to him.

I hear him moaning in my sleep "Speed ... speed ... speed ... change my diapers!"

Not only has Jackson assumed Davis's appetite for horribly mismanaging an NFL roster, he's also taken on other Davis-like qualities.

He now wears velour tracksuits and ostentatious gold jewelry. Despite 20/20 vision, he dons reading glasses. He also has a bad habit of coaching from a sideline wheelchair, even though he is perfectly ambulatory.

In another bout of questionable decision-making, the Raiders recently signed three year-old colt and third place Kentucky Derby finisher Mucho Macho Man to a 4-year, $29 million contract.

"We've got him for kick coverage. He's lights out after the 45 yard line."

Jackson then buried his head in his hands and began weeping uncontrollably.

"Someone get me Renaldo Nehemiah on the phone. Quick!"

Area contractor accidentally builds wrong coffee and donut shop.

2011-12-13T09:15:00.003-05:00

Pickerington, OH — Eager Pickerington residents excited for the new Tim Horton's Coffee and Bake Shop opening this past Tuesday were in for a real surprise when they arrived at 837 West Columbus Street.

What they found was a Tim Burton's Coffee and Bake Shop — the result of a construction company purchase order mix-up of Big Fish proportions.

Brutal neo-German expressionist architecture now looms where the familiar and welcoming "Timmy Ho's" brick exterior would have been.

"I like his movies ... but what the hell does that weirdo know about coffee?" wondered Picktown local Aaron Scholes, as he tried in vain to open the establishment's crooked, off-kilter doors.

Time to make the creepy donuts.

"I'm really weary. I saw Alice in Wonderland. What a technicolor shitfest. The guy probably hasn't made a good cup of joe since 1993." longtime caffeine aficionado and movie buff Herm Perkins said, upon seeing workers erect the graveyard-inspired wrought iron sign above the door.

Chris Speltz, however, was not deterred.

Speltz ordered a skinny half-caf, half-decaf cup of Despair, which is a mocha/latte blend and something called "Planet of the Crepes" from the bake shop menu.

"It was pretty disappointing." Speltz lamented. "it tasted like a well-meaning, but overwrought and thinly-written version of an original crepe. Tim Roth was delicious, though."

Other bake shop menu items include Marzipan Attacks!, Helena-On-Ham Tartar, and the morbidly-named Corpsesiant.

The shop serves hot and cold beverages, from the steaming Deppuccino to the 52-ounce Pee Wee's Big Thirstquencher.

So far, the response has been the disappointing equivalent of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory's domestic box office take.

Seals Construction, who oversaw the flawed development, hopes to remedy the situation in the community's favor, giving most residents hope they'll be munching their traditional crullers and boston creme donuts in short order.

Until then, they'll have to enjoy a Sleepytime Hollow tea and some Flan 9 from Outer Space.

Local man pronounced dead inside.

2011-12-12T15:01:00.000-05:00

Heath, OH - Medical personnel pulled the plug on treatment for Heath 43 year-old resident Stevie Johnson yesterday, pronouncing him emotionally dead inside.

“He never knew how to express himself.” His mother said. “For one reason or another he was just incapable of love.”

Stevie was a normal boy growing up, by all accounts. He liked music, collecting baseball cards, football and girls. Sometime around his 13th birthday, though, it was as if an internal switch had been flipped.

“His father left shortly after he was born, which wasn’t a problem until Stevie got to be a little older.” His mother continued. “He started acting out, misbehaving. And then there was that time he got raped by a camp counselor … that may have had something to do with this.”

“I plan to honor the memory of my brother’s emotional insides by living every day like it’s my own insides’ last.” Patrick Johnson said. “I’m also thinking about hosting a golf tournament or something to raise awareness about his dead insides.”

The five most surprising new changes to the Star Wars saga.

2011-09-23T13:10:00.003-04:00

George Lucas's epic Star Wars saga is again the attention of the entertainment world. Lucas, constantly tinkering with film content and effects, has added or altered even more scenes for this latest release.

With all six films now available on Blu-Ray, The Heath Ledger sat down and reviewed some of the series' puzzling new extras.

Here are five items that stood out:

1. In newly-added masturbation scene, Han shoots first. (Episode IV: A New Hope)

2. In effort to broaden sci-fi series appeal, Chewbacca digitally replaced by Khloe Kardashian. (Episodes III through VI)

3. Yoda revealed to be a Hasidic Jedi who will not use The Force on Shabbos. (Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back)

4. In rare instance of product placement, Lando Calrissian stops stormtrooper by breaking bottle of Colt .45 over his helmet. (Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back)

5. Return of Mace Windu's previously-censored "In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you are under arrest, motherfucker!" line. (Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith)

Man almost dies as result of Obsessive Compulsive Disorderly.

2011-09-23T09:23:00.001-04:00

Lancaster, OH — An orderly at a local hospital has been suspended from duty after impeding care during an emergency procedure. Lloyd Shepherd of Newark has been a Long Term Care ward orderly for approximately 13 months. He suffers from OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce apprehension and worry, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety.

Prior to Tuesday's incident, Shepherds' malady had been virtually invisible.
It was only when 52-year old stroke patient Hank Tippen coded, that Shepherd's affliction reared its psychoneurotic head.

Fairfield Medical Center code strictly prohibits orderlies from performing or engaging in activities or interventions that put patient safety at risk. Ward Manager Bert Conley had this to say about Shepherd: "He always had to turn the lights on and off three times, which was weird, but never a problem."

According to eyewitness accounts, as Tippen's heart rate plummeted and his lungs collapsed, Shepherd fastidiously arranged and re-arranged his sheets, trying to smooth out wrinkles, and tuck the corners into perfect, forty-five-and-a-half-degree angles, all while repeating to himself the nursery rhyme One Misty Moisty Morning seventeen times.

Another orderly, Wayne Moffet, tried desperately to pry Shepherd from the scene. Shepherd shouted at Moffet "This is how it is to be done, or I have to start from square one!"

Shepherd then unmade the bed and began to re-make it in the same fashion as before, hindering the ability of crash medics to administer the necessary steps to get Tippen back online.

Only the strong hands and quick mind of floor nurse Shawntae McCutcheon were able to avert catastrophe. McCutcheon, a hearty 210 pound woman — also once known as former Gorgeous Lady of Wrestling Velveeta Jones — hoisted Shepherd over her head, twirled him about a few times before slamming him to the linoleum.

"I had to use my patented 'Cheese Spread' on that stupid white boy."

Tippen, moved to intensive care, may never fully recover from the cardiac incident.

Shirley Tippen didn't mince words when it came to criticism. "Thanks to Howard Hughes, Jr., my husband will never be able to completely walk, talk or fuck ever again."

Shepherd has been advised by hospital officials to seek therapy for his condition. As of now, he has been placed on a 60-day personal improvement plan, and is prohibited from the long-term care floor.

Non Industry-Insider still attempting to decode Variety headline.

2011-09-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

Newark, OH — Local filmmaker Russ Trudeau knows a lot about the magic factory that is Hollywood. Or at least he thinks he does.

He knows what a Best Boy does. And a gaffer,too. He can tell you what’s above the line and what’s below. He knows a gobo stand from a gobo head. He even knows what a three-drop stinger is.

But for some odd reason, he can’t get his head around a recent headline in the March 2 edition of Variety:

“BOFFO B.O. BOPS HBO PREXY FOR BIG BIZ BID”

“Variety headlines can be like unsolvable puzzles, if you’re not in the know like some of us.” Trudeau said. “They're the industry equivalent of the Da Vinci Code. And I am like Tim Hanks.”

Luckily, The Ledger sat in as Trudeau took another stab.

“Boffo – that’s got to be an Italian distribution company. I think I’ve seen their logo before a few flicks — it’s a whistling monkey holding a giant umbrella.”

Trudeau believes B.O. either stands for ‘box office’ or ‘body odor’, but he’s not completely sure which. “Box office is really important, but so is personal hygiene.”

Trudeau then decided that ‘Prexy’ was a porn star who must be going legit in a new show on HBO.

Trudeau grimaced at the thought of reading the actual article to glean a better understanding of the lede.

“I should really be working on my latest script. I’m writing it for Zach Braff. He plays a local filmmaker who is inexplicably rejected by women.”

Talk like a Pittsburgh Pirate Day 2011

2011-09-20T10:33:00.000-04:00

Pittsburgh, PA – Yesterday, people all over the world celebrated international Talk Like a Pirate Day and marked the occasion by dropping a few “Avast, me hearties!” and “Ayyy, mateys” on all their friends. So annoying. Some idiots even went so far as to dress like pirates, donning eye patches, crazy hats and silly moustaches. Personally, we’d have preferred to celebrate international Rape and Pillage Like a Pirate Day but nobody asked us.

Anyway, if you’ll suspend belief for just a moment, today is national Talk Like a Pittsburgh Pirate Day. That means, no matter what city you’re in, you may hear things like, “Man, we suck.” We’ll get ‘em next year, guys.” Or “I like playing in this beautiful ballpark but, man, look at all the empty seats!”

And unlike last week’s regular Pirate Day, you probably won’t see too many assholes walking around looking like Willie Stargell or Bill Madlock circa 1979. That’s because it’s not called Dress Like a Pittsburgh Pirate Day, now is it?

If you’d like to participate, feel free. Tell someone you think the club is going to sign you to a lucrative contract extension. And then ask them to stop laughing.

Sister Sledge, bitches! We are Family. At least for today.

Area man dies inside because Harry Potter lives.

2011-07-12T15:39:00.001-04:00

German Village, OH — A popular children's book series. Eight blockbuster films. A worldwide total gross in the neighborhood of $6.3 billion dollars. Global media coverage. Obsessed fandom.

For unassuming orchestra conductor Mort Volde, the world of Harry Potter has become his own. And he hates it.

You see, Mortimer Volde appears in any phone directory as Volde, Mort, the book and film series' dark and mysterious villain.

"Practically every day, any time of the day. I get the calls ... 'Hey Dark Lord, it's just me. How's it hanging?' ... 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, keep your hands off my wand' ... 'Lord You-Know-Who, it's Ron Weasley, how's about a three-way with Hermione?' ... that kind of juvenile shit."

Attempts to keep his phone number unpublished have proved fruitless. "Those bastards keep finding me."

The phone number is not the only problem facing the similarly-named reclusive German Villager.

"I lost the tip of my nose in a gambling incident, when I was young and foolish." Volde reluctantly admits. He also suffers from alopecia, making him bald, and virtually hairless.

The "Dark Lord" loves his fudge, conducting.

But the similarities don't end there. Volde is also a victim of hyperhidrosis, which causes excessive sweating from certain body areas.

"Combine that with my sensitive skin and my Vitamin D allergy, and I have to don long robes if I even want to go outside." Volde laments. As luck would have it, his favorite color is black.

A quick scan of his mantle reveals Volde finished second in a Ralph Fiennes sound-alike contest four years ago. A part-time orchestra conductor, Volde keeps a collection of wands on hand.

"Those are fucking batons, okay — let's be clear. Batons!"

Still, Volde looks forward to a time when he can enjoy life free from the constant reminders of Hogwarts and the like.

"They should just kill the whiny douche. End it. Better yet, someone kill me. Please."

Outside of a complete makeover, numerous medical procedures, plastic surgery, and name change, there's little solace in store for Volde, even though the popular film series officially comes to an end this Friday with the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2.

Whatevergate ...

2011-06-17T11:08:00.000-04:00

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School

Heath, OH — Hey everybody! Hope you missed me as much as I missed you! Guess what? I’m stuck in like summer school or whatever like I’m some kind of dummy, but whatevs. At least Jordan McCallum is here wearing hot shirts sands sleeves. He’s so hot it makes me want to totally fail History, like, all the time you know.

So, I’m taking American History X or 1900s or something. I mean it’s like ancient History, right? It’s totally boring — it makes me want to cut myself like Demi Lovato. But whatever, at least I can use it for a new column here or whatever. So my failure is like your success or something. Congratulations!

So we’re learning about Richard Tollhouse Nixon, the 58th president of our awesomely United States. He totally wanted to be re-erected, which sounds gross — I mean, just take some Viagra or something dude! Yuck. So he started acting like a CREEP, which sounds like Blake Bergesen — he’s a total douchebag who once tried to French kiss me at Julie Morris’s pool party. But he, like must have barfed a whole bag of Funyuns like milliseconds before because it was like tongue wrestling with one of those blossoming onion thingys from one of those Out Back Restaurants. It was gross with a capital G-R-O-C-E!

So this Toolhouse guy, who made like awesome cookies, like the best since Sara Lee was First Lady for that General Lee dude, made these plumbers rob a hotel. It turns out they left the water running and like, totally flooded the place.

The water even went out the gate so instead of like, Motel 6 or whatever, they called the place Water Gates.

Duh, they’re plumbers — I mean how smart can they be? Anywho, this total baldy named Gordon Gee Libby, who made like vegetables or something in the 50s or whatever, well he was one of the plumbers who went to jail for yapping on phones or whatever. Then, he was like on the radio for awhile. Now, he's like, selling autographs at Ohio State and wearing bow ties — yuck!

Anywho, Nixon was still like President even though he ruined a hotel and put bugs in people’s ears like this Kahn guy in Star Wars my cousin Teddy told me about. Disgusting. Total creep — like I said. So Nixon had like really bad manners **DUh** and was excuse me to the next Presidential dude, this Ford guy who made cars and fell down a lot.

Politics! It’s like all Roman to me or whatever. I mean, I'd rather learn about something really old, like who invented Seinfeld.

So, like I’m going to keep going to summer school and totally checking out Jordan McCallum. You’re welcome!

Saint Anthony leaves side of dying boy to locate area man’s keys.

2011-06-09T11:53:00.000-04:00

Heath, OH - For the second time in three months, Anthony of Padua, patron saint of lost causes, was summoned by the desperate pleas of ever-forgetful local Teddy McLaughlin.

“We were supposed to be on the road three hours ago!” Mr. McLaughlin’s fiancé Gretchen screamed, holding the last of her bags to be packed in the car. Her ceaseless browbeating prompted McLaughlin to call in the big man.

“Saint Anthony, look around, something is lost and can not be found.” He muttered under his breath. “I’m begging you, please, help me find these fucking keys before I kill her.”

“Here we go again.” Anthony said before shouting across the void of space to his heavenly buddy Christopher, the patron saint of safe travels. “Can you believe this shit? What say we grab a couple beers in St. Moritz? They’re not going anywhere without those keys.”

“St. Anthony has never let me down before.” McLaughlin noted. “I usually find the keys in the clothes I wore the day before. Hey wait a minute … I should check those.”

Sure enough, the keys were found in yesterday’s cargo shorts, but by the time Saint Anthony made it back to Zimbabwe, the 12-year old malarial boy he had been keeping alive had perished.

“Nice work, McLaughlin.” Anthony said sarcastically. “I was going to save him, too.”

Speed-dating concept misunderstood by participant.

2011-05-27T15:44:00.001-04:00

Heath, OH — First time speed-dating participant Randall Hartwell was confused and frustrated after repeatedly failing to ‘seal the deal” at the Date Around The Clock Event held weekly at the Heath Days Inn.

“It’s a great concept,” said the horny, misinformed window cleaning sales specialist. “Take a four hour date, condense it to five minutes, then move on. I get it. So why the hell is everyone so shy?”

Hartwell said his first date began normally with him quickly telling the woman about his life up to that point while removing his pants. “I was very careful not to go long — It only took me 1.2 minutes get her up to speed and myself naked. The date went south when she started stammering and looking at the clock."

Janice Waylan, event coordinator for Date Around The Clock, said she calmly tried explaining the rules of speed-dating to Hartwell, but he wasn’t catching on. “Roughly two minutes into my explanation, the guy shimmies out of his pants, tells me he loves Thai food, then asks me if I’ve ever been ‘rimmed.”

Bobbi Lucas, a 29-year-old flight attendant and regular attendee said she too had an awkward encounter with Hartwell. “You know…I started with a simple, 'Hey…I’m Bobbi…' and he just kept rolling his fingers like he wanted me to move faster. I was going to ask him if he was a dog or cat person, but he was already naked.”

Local woman suffers from "Crones" disease.

2011-05-17T08:05:00.002-04:00

Study shows woman the 'oldest' 27 year-old on record.

Grandview, (OH) — Doris Margaret Schallmer doesn't act her age.

A healthy twenty-seven years young, Schallmer has the physical features and mental acumen of a much older woman.

"I would approximate her real age at about 79 years old." offered completely random physician Dr. Irvin Squalor when we stumbled upon him in the courtyard. "She knits. Crochets. Does that other shit — needlepoint? Yeah, she's a total oldster."

Despite her claims to the contrary, Schallmer doesn't even seem to be young at heart.

"She yelled at me to get off of her yard ... she doesn't even have a yard. This is an available singles condominium complex!" said neighbor Justin Doushay.

The aptly-named Doushay continued: "Us bros were hanging out at the hot tub with some Keystones, waiting for some of the ladies, when she shows up in a swimsuit with pants saying she wants to soak her corns!"

Further investigation revealed Doushay was indeed standing outside Schallmer's bathroom window when the "yard" confrontation occured.

"What can I say? I'm into cougars, but this is fucking ridickless."

Tugging at her constant shawl, Schallmer wobbles unsteadily on a cane with tennis balls covering the feet. She dons thick, completely unnecessary bifocals to read the nutrition facts on a canister of pitted prunes, then complains of her impending blindness.

She lives a life of idle loneliness, lamenting letting her TV Guide subscription lapse. She maintains an illustrious coupon collection and is a devout reader of weekly Bridge columns. The highlights of her day are few and far between — a cup of tea here, a bowel movement there.

For Schallmer, life hasn't been the same since Paul Harvey's final broadcast.

Ironically (or not), a large poster of Matlock hangs above her bed. In her spare time, Schallmer practices hymnals on her Hammond H-100 organ.

A follow-up with Dr. Squalor revealed Schallmer's case was probably unprecedented and would make a pretty cool TV movie.

"Maybe something starring Ricki Lake. Did she get fat again?"

In defense of my at-bat music selection

2011-05-13T08:05:00.002-04:00

By Brent Lillibridge
Infielder, Chicago White Sox

Three-time American Music Awards Rock/Pop Male Artist of the Year.
Two-time Grammy winner.
Seventy-five million albums sold worldwide.

Dude writes the songs the whole world sings, yet no one wants to hear the legendary Mandy as I'm strutting into the batters box? What is wrong with you people?

I've taken so much shit for this selection, I feel I must take to the media to defend it, despite thinking it exonerates itself on its own musical merits.

Listen to those sweet, sweet words: "You came and you gave, without taking." That means this Mandy chick digs blowjobs, but she doesn't swallow.

Leave it to master of tergiversation Barry Alan Pincus (Manilow to the great unwashed) to imbue a sweet "love song" like Mandy with the clandestine ruminations of oral sex. Personally, I'm not into spitters, but this track is so hype I'll look the other way. Listen, I know what you're thinking: Brent Lillibridge, this thing is no Ice Cream Paint Job or even Rude Boy — It has little groove and I can't dance to it. You're at a baseball game, numbnuts — sit down, enjoy your $7.50 Bud Light and watch in awe as I work a 2-2 count into a foul tip out. Save the dancing for the ubiquitous playing of Let's Get It Started.

What would you prefer? Some Pussy by Lords of Acid? It sure gets the point across, but certainly without the grace and aplomb that only Manilow can muster.

You say you don't like innuendo? Well, in-your-end-o! For those of us with a more sophisticated appreciation of the arts of beautiful music, I'm sticking with Mandy. I'm not sending her away, and you shouldn't either.

Area man well on his way to sobriety.

2011-05-11T08:19:00.000-04:00

Heath, Ohio — Roger Cleven is an seventh-generation alcoholic.

Rather than attend a reputable alcohol rehabilitation group, like Alcoholics Anonymous, Cleven is relying on his own proprietary 196-step program to free him from the shackles of alcohol dependency.

Cleven — currently on step three —has been on his self-designed plan for 17 months. Cleven admits progress is slow, but ultimate success will not prove elusive.

Step 4?

Cleven has cut his "sweet, sweet delicious gin" consumption by a sixteenth since beginning the arduous process nearly a year and a half ago., although he still consumes roughly 1100 milliliters of Givitis Extra Dry Gin per day.

"Issss working, dontcha think?" a glassy-eyed and wobbly Cleven spouted as we sat down to review the details of the "revolutionary" plan, which apparently include vomiting profusely and pissing in the dog's water bowl.

Cleven also felt compelled to add, "I love you man, I really dooo. Let's be blooood brothers." before taking a butter knife to his open palm.

In a related note, Cleven's own 22-year smoking cessation program has him down to a pack a day.

Local band yet to finish single song.

2011-05-09T10:11:00.003-04:00

Heath, Ohio — Four Heath high school students aren't about to let a serious medical condition and failing grades get in the way of their rock and roll dream.

"Killer" Kirk Melken, Sean Walton, Adam Hazleton and Ross "Fucked Up" Janco formed ADHDC six months ago during a shared stint in detention.

The four have had a history of trouble at school. The four also have a median IQ of 137.

As far as tribute bands go, ADHDC's For Those About To ... What? "show" is interesting to say the least. The set list contains 4 and a half "songs", each lasting for about as long as the band shows interest in playing them. They have a few fans around the neighborhood, but so far real success has been elusive.

Neighbor Eddie Fraser is growing weary of the band's lack of attention span. "I've heard the intros to every fucking AC-DC song in their catalog ... I mean, I'd really love to hear more than four bars of that shit."

The band asked The Heath Ledger to sit in on their most recent practice session in their 'studio' — one-half of the Jancos' garage. The bass drum features the letters 'ADH' in the familiar AC-DC style.

Twenty-two seconds of rock and roll fury.

Suddenly, lead guitarist Melken then bursts into the electrifying opening of "Back in Black." The refrain lasts about 38 seconds before he abruptly leaves to text some girls and make some pizza rolls.

Later, the band reflected on their recent history.

"We realized we were, you know, like that, so that's where the name came from." Jones then bolts from the garage to chase a Schwan's delivery truck down the street.

"He does that every ... " drummer Sean Walton trailed off.

God help us get off the couch.

2011-04-29T09:08:00.002-04:00

Heath, OH - Heath's newest health club, Pontius Pilates Health and Fitness Center, recently opened its doors in the former Sunbeam Bread offices down on Main Street.

“We offer a lot more than just ‘Pilates’, of course.” Disgraced former priest and proprietor James Francis O’Brien said. “We’ve got Nautilus machines, free weights, saunas, complete shower facilities and personal trainers who’ll whip you into shape. Believe you me.”

The personal trainers wearing ecclesiastic vestments are called the “Alter boys.” They enthusiastically put patrons through rigorous circuit training exercises loosely based on the 14 stations of the cross.

If you join, you’ll be “condemned” to a life of fitness at the first station and then steadily make your way to the 10th station where you’ll be stripped down — just like Jesus. But instead of being nailed to the cross at the 11th station, you’ll simply “hit the showers.”

Customers being mere mortals, stations 13 and 14 have been eliminated.

A former priest naming a fitness center after the man responsible for the execution of Jesus of Nazareth Himself does seem a little strange, but it really seems to work.

“Why did I do this? I really can’t say, according to the terms of my settlement. I like to look at … er, uh, I like to stay young. And people really seem to love it when the businesses they patronize employ some sort of play on words.”

Our recommendation: give Pontius Pilates a try. For a limited time, if you tell them you heard about them in The Ledger, you’ll qualify for an exclusive “exorcise” package. You know, just in case.

Crematory’s “Sundae" service takes sadness out of funerals.

2011-04-06T14:28:00.000-04:00

Columbus, OH - The McLaughlin family bid a sweet farewell to its matriarch Estelle this afternoon, taking advantage of an exciting new special offered by Boyle’s Crematory.

“We are the world’s first 'Ice Cream'-atory.” Beaming proprietor Russell J. Boyle explained, fidgeting with the red bow-tie of his old-timey ice cream shop uniform. “With chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry, plus 15 delectable toppings from which to choose, what happens after the public viewing is the last thing on your mind!”

What happens, of course, is a 2,000-degree sauna.

“Grandma,” Little Billy exclaimed, lifting a spoon toward heaven. “I wish you could come back to life and die again next week!”

Boyle’s is offering a GROUPON all this month — Purchase any delicious “sundae” service and receive your dearly departed’s cremains back in a lovely half-gallon container.

Greenbud Party wants on ballot, more chips.

2011-03-23T10:59:00.000-04:00

Columbus, OH - You can trace the beginnings of a political movement back six years, when two college pals got together on a weekly basis to watch ‘South Park’ reruns.

“We were disenchanted with the state of things politically, man.” Greenbud Party Chairman Luke Donaldson said, reaching for a glass pipe and tearing the lid off an ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ container housing a stash of 100 percent hydroponically-grown ‘Killer Green Bud’ (KGB).

“Hahahahahaahah! What the fuck was I saying?”

“The bottom line is this country’s two-party system is bullshit.” Associate Chairman Woody “Harrelson” Smith said from his slumped position at one end of the couch in that very same campus apartment. “Plus, there are no more goddamned chips.”

After a few additional fits of laughter followed by moments of contemplative silence, Donaldson added, ““I for one am hungry for change … as well as some sweet and salty snacks.”

The Greenbud Party still needs 9,998 signatures for ballot consideration and $1.98 for chips.

Cancer-stricken woman insists family NOT carry on without her.

2011-02-28T14:29:00.002-05:00

Heath, OH - When Marcia Thomas learned she had stage III cervical cancer, she decided it would be easier to make her family miserable than to carry on.

“I don’t want to go alone, George.” Thomas told her forlorn husband sitting bedside. “Couldn’t you just feed me a delicious lead bullet and then swallow one yourself?”

She was whispering something about Drano® when her husband stood, shook his head and left the room in disgust.

“Here’s a plastic bag, honey,” Thomas said, turning to her 6 year-old daughter. “Why don’t you put it over your head and come up to Heaven with mommy?”

There is a 25 percent chance Thomas will survive the cancer but die of embarrassment for the way she’s behaved.

Freshwater polluted. Again.

2011-02-15T14:26:00.001-05:00

Columbus, OH - Right now James Freshwater, 46, is staggering around town trying to find his car. If he manages to locate it, you or your loved ones traveling on Interstate-71 could be in serious trouble.

Presently, Freshwater is eight blocks from his 1994 Toyota Camry, which is parked right where he left it four hours and 14 whiskeys ago — in a metered spot along Gay Street.

“I swear I parked that shit-box right here.” Freshwater just spat, adding more distance between he and his ride.

Three hours from now, when Mr. Freshwater finally manages to find his car, he’ll be crumpling the parking ticket tucked beneath the windshield wiper before he realizes he left the keys at that other bar, “wherever the fuck that was.”

Exasperated, he’ll sit down for a minute to rest. A passerby will believe him homeless rather than car key-less and toss some change in his direction. Freshwater will then start crying and promise the Lord this is the last time.

For the moment, we're all safe. Negotiations with our Heavenly Father continue.

Opinion: Hobby Lobbyists behind HO-scale high speed rail boondoggle.

2011-02-08T10:06:00.000-05:00

Big Hobby's local headquarters.

By Rod Ballstock
Taxed Enough Already Party Chair
Franklin County Chapter

Who's behind the planned Mini 3C "high speed" rail line between Cleveland and Cincinnati? You know, the one with the stop right here in Columbus?

The answer isn't that difficult to discover. It starts with Hobby and ends with Lobby. That's right, folks — the Hobby Lobby is at it again. First, it was the East Side Doll Housing Project. Now, it's this — more wasteful spending in the name of 'progress.'

I've seen the plans, and so have you. What better word to describe this tiny monstrosity other than "boondoggle?" Granted, I had to look boondoggle up in the dictionary, but it's spot on. High-speed HO gauge rail? Sure, if you call 3 miles per hour "high speed."

How many passengers can you fit on that tiny train? Don't bother googling that shit. I'll tell you — none. Unless you're 9 millimeters tall, you can forget about hitching a ride on the Mini 3C.

In fact, you can fit all of the potential profit models of the Mini 3C on the head of a Dremel Performance Rotary Tool. Not only is this a abominable thimble of pork, it's a nuisance waiting to happen.

What if some kid sneaks into the control room and turns the knob down? Or up? Or shit, puts it into "high-speed" reverse? We're talking about jumping the track and damaging miniature livestock, or worse, a matchbox car or two. Who's going to pay for that — Ma and Pa Taxpayer, that's who. And that's you!

This is Big Hobby, pure and simple, using all of their dirty tricks —

I could certainly come up with a better way to spend the proposed $914 budget. And so could you. But you're not some big-time consultant paid to bend the legislature's ear with promises of free scrapbooking seminars or the allure of a Revell 1/25 1969 Camaro Z/28 SS model car kit.

It's time we said NO to special interests! It's time we said NO to the shady rumpus room deals! It's time we said NO to the Hobby Lobby! And it's time we take back our country, away from the goons in the power aprons!

So please, call your representatives and tell them to vote NO on HB Bill 522. Thank you, and may God Bless Ohio.

Fake Tai Chi helps area man foster false sense of inner peace.

2011-01-27T09:17:00.001-05:00

Sunbury, OH — Bert Powlus, office manager for County Mutual Insurance Company has long sought refuge from the daily stresses of overseeing the hustle and bustle of the farm and ranch insurance company branch. So he's turned his divided attention to the relaxation techniques of Tai Chi, even though he admits to not understanding it at all.

"It can get pretty chaotic in here." Powlus huffed. "It seems like someone always needs a paper clip at the last minute."

In order to find some shred of relief, Powlus has taken his total ignorance of Tai Chi outside, mostly during lunch breaks.

"I just go out into the smoker's courtyard and move around and shit, you know... waving my arms..bending my knees. It's like slow-motion Kung Fu or something. Most of the agents in the office know I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but there's a few I've duped." Powlus grinned.

Tai Chi, as it is practiced in the west today, can perhaps best be thought of as a moving form of yoga and meditation combined. There are a number of so- called forms (sometimes also called 'sets') which consist of a sequence of movements.

"Originally, I thought about actually taking classes to really understand the forms and principles." Powlus added. "But, like many of my non-work pursuits, I got lazy about it and just started making shit up. You know, take your big ball of stress and push it out kind of stuff. You'd be surprised at what limited expertise you can glean from late-night television."

Powlus admitted that the organized classes would ultimately get in the way of his free and easy lifestyle, which includes Civil War re-enactments, fantasy baseball camps, and having virtual colonoscopies.

An open letter to all professional football players.

2011-01-26T10:34:00.002-05:00

By Robert O'Hanlon
NFL Field Judge #29

Dear Professional Football Players —

I am addressing you collectively, since I believe this is the best way for me to communicate a point I have stressed to many of you individually on the field of play.

A point you have done little to consider, judging by this weekend's round of playoff games.

During a fumble, I'm the guy who gets to point in the direction of recovering team.

Not you. Me. That's part of my job. Not yours.

I've said this time and time again, but you still choose to ignore me.

Your premature gesticulations and wild, inartful pointing really don't affect the outcome of my decision. I have a job to do, a relatively simple job — determine who has possession of the football at the bottom of a pile of your sweaty humanity.

Believe you me, it's certainly not my favorite part of the job. I'd rather rule on pass interference and illegal blocks. But while some of you are jabbing opposing eyeballs and grabbing opposing taints, I'm trying to clear a path to the pigskin. I'd really appreciate it if your teammates away from the play would stop with their childish arm-waving and finger-pointing. Frankly, you're grown men and such mannerisms should be beneath you.

I know you're excited. Turnovers can be exciting. In a blink of the eye, they can change the direction, and ultimately, the outcome, of a game.

But please let me do my job, and I will let you do yours.

Gay Islamic paramilitary group vows revenge.

2011-01-25T10:56:00.000-05:00

Washington, DC - Yesterday, former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi opened a package sent to her office filled with a less than suspicious jasmine-scented talc. Buried inside the fabulously fancy box was a neatly folded letter containing a series of threats and one totally disgusting warning — “On you we will go down!”

Lezbollah, a gay paramilitary organization with ties to Al-Qaeda, has claimed responsibility. The Department of Homeland Security has launched a full investigation.

“The first thing we noticed is that all the i’s are dotted with hearts. That was our first clue. Totally gay.” Chief investigator Paul Brown said. “We’re still not exactly sure because the note also said they’d ‘blow us’ … and not to kingdom come or to pieces or anything.

MLK Jr Boulevard-Day festivities already in full swing.

2011-01-14T09:50:00.000-05:00

United States - Tonight in Atlanta, a celebratory drive-by is planned to honor the memory of late civil rights hero Martin Luther King Jr., just blocks away from his final resting place.

In our nation’s capitol, two crack-addled men were putting the finishing touches on a bottle of Boone’s Farm, as well as plans for simple assault and petty larceny.

In Newark, Mayor Cory Booker will be shoveling some old lady’s driveway while people die.

And in St. Louis, Johnny the Pimp is holding a half-price sale on all bitches and hos operating beneath his heavy hand.

“Martinlufakin’ had a dream! He made allllll of this possible.” Johnny said, sweeping a hand across the bleak terrain and flashing a gold-toothed smile. “Lying on her back the least my girl Jawanna can do. She a proud American — with some big ol' titties."

Local man seeks to up production.

2011-01-12T16:50:00.000-05:00

Columbus, OH - The magazines and catalogs are piling up on the back of James Borden’s downstairs toilet. "Roughage” estimates show he’ll need to shit up to five times a day to put a real dent in the stack before February’s crop of reading materials arrive.

Mr. Borden, though, is determined to make it happen. “There’s enough ‘Fiber One’ yogurt in there to drown an African village.” He said, pointing to his intestinal region. “I can feel a major storm-a-brewin’.”

Experts agree the bathroom is a great place for reading. “You’re alone. It’s quiet. Who’s going to bug you while you’re in there doing your business?" A librarian from the Westerville Public Library said. "With the right toilet seat, why, you could sit there for ours before your legs fall asleep.”

“I’d really love to talk more about this but I’ve got work to do, if you catch my drift.” Borden said, passing gas and using his hand to fan it in our general direction. “Excuse me.”

Homeless man has unique talent for being homeless.

2011-01-06T12:30:00.001-05:00

Columbus, OH — For Joseph R. Dimaggio, life has been a constant struggle. Unlike most people, Dimaggio was born without any discernable talent. He can’t sing, he can’t juggle, nor can he write best-selling novels or deftly defend murderers in a court of law. He has a face for radio and a voice for print.

Unlike fellow homeless person, golden-voiced Ted Williams, who captured the world’s imagination on a viral video, there are no job offers awaiting Dimaggio, unless an entrepreneur out there is searching for America’s Next Pants Pisser.

A string of odd-jobs is all Dimaggio has been able to lay claim to in his pathetic life. He once eeked out a meager existence as a stand-in, but those days are long since past.

For the last 19 months, Dimaggio has staked out a small parcel of land near I-270 and Roberts Road, hoping to attract motorists to his ongoing plight.

To date, no single person has approached him.

His hand-written cardboard sign reads “Hoplessly homless (sic).” It makes no mention of his utter lack of talent nor his null skill set, but most passing by are keenly aware of his extreme unemployability.

Area drive-through “comedian” questions the deal with your order.

2011-01-04T13:12:00.000-05:00

Heath, OH - McDonald’s lunchtime drive-through guy, Tom Willis, always wanted to break into showbiz.

“I never had the time to give it a shot, though. Lucky for me, terrorists knocked down the World Trade Center.” Willis noted with an uncomfortable chuckle. “Whoa … is this thing on?”

Willis, a former securities trader who worked in the North Tower, managed to escape that fateful day. "I made a promise to bring my dreams to life, to make it happen ... for the victims."

Six months later, Willis settled for 11 to 7 drive-through duty at the McDonald’s on Holmes Avenue.

“I’m definitely NOT loving it,” Willis chortled. “But it could be worse … I could be flipping burgers.” Willis slapped his knee in pantomime, avoiding the eye-daggers hurled from the burger-flippers behind him. “This gig allows me to try out all my new material.”

Willis’s “material” includes—among other comedic gems—the ultra-confusing, “Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?” The breathy “What are you wearing?” The overdone, “No Coke, Pepsi” routine. And the always shocking, “That’ll be $452 at the window, please pull around.”

In a moment of weakness, Willis broke down in tears, forgetting his microphone was still turned on. “Oh, who am I kidding?” Willis cried. “My life is shit.”

T. Leach, a local man waiting in line to order the number 6, responded with an impeccably timed, “Would you like fries with that?”

“Everybody’s a comedian,” Willis concluded with a reluctant smile.

Area teen can’t wait for ball to drop.

2010-12-30T15:29:00.000-05:00

Columbus, OH - Peter Stanley is confident 2011 will be a year of great change.

“It just has to be.” The diminutive 15 year-old High School Sophomore said in an odd, high-pitched squeal. “I’d like to kiss a girl someday.”

For years Stanley has endured the taunts of classmates about his voice and follicle-free genital region.

His life at home hasn’t been much better.

“You need to toughen up, you little shit.” His mother chimed in from across the room. “You take after your father.”

“See what I mean?” Stanley mumbled through trembling lips.

“Dick Clark had a stroke!” She yelled. “You don’t hear him whining about his voice. He’s not complaining about being half-paralyzed or being rolled out in front of the entire nation once a year.”

“Yeah, mom. We’re exactly alike.”

“You are, Petey!” She stood, pantomiming the fondling of a scrotum. “You’re both just hanging around waiting for a ball to drop.”

Missing 8 year-old found alive, media inconsolable.

2010-12-28T22:51:00.000-05:00

Heath, OH - Local news anchor Lydia Carpenter tried to muster a smile for the camera yesterday while reporting that 8 year-old Amy Bush had been found alive in the woods near her home, after 43 hours, and with no apparent signs of trauma or sodomization.

“It’s just hard,” the anchor said later, off-camera. “The whole community getting together, working toward a common goal. It felt really, really good.” Carpenter dabbed away a tear, then continued. “Then, all of a sudden, there’s the little girl—unharmed—everybody just go home ... That’s really tough to take.”

Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia.

2010-12-24T08:48:00.000-05:00

Editor's Note: This letter to the editor and response was first published by The Heath Ledger in 2007. It is our time-honored and lazy tradition to subject you, dear reader, to this utter piece of crap on an annual basis.

We take little pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great embarrassment that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Ledger:

Dear Editor—

I am thousands of years old. Some of my little friends, er, employees say there is no Virginia. Mrs. Claus says, “If you see it in The Ledger, it’s shit.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Virginia?

Santa Claus

John Wooden rolls over in grave.

2010-12-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles, CA - Clearly detectable seismic activity was felt above the grave of John Wooden yesterday, just moment after the University of Connecticut Lady Huskies put the finishing touches on their 89th consecutive victory, surpassing the Wizard of Westwood’s famed UCLA Bruins team’s 88-game streak.

“Good gracious sakes alive!” Wooden said when reached via Ouija Board in the great beyond.

There’s been much debate in the national news related to comparing the accomplishments of men and women. Wooden’s grandson Greg said the elder, dead Wooden would have been “absolutely thrilled” by the accomplishment. “He really liked the way they passed the ball.”

“Bullshit.” Wooden spelled out, before presumably turning over and going back to sleep forever.

2010-12-21T08:11:00.003-05:00

Hey y’all, longtime NASCAR driver Kyle Petty here. I’m new to this column writin’ thang, so y’all have to cut me some slack, which is more than I can say for a certain domineering older brother I know. But I’m not here to talk about that — even though I gave up the best years of my life playing second fiddle to a follically-challenged egomaniac.

Sorry. I’m getting a little off track (ha!) …

Speaking of off track, some of us wanted to follow their dreams to Broadway, but noooooo, we had to be a part of the “family business”, which led me to the “bright” lights of Level Cross, North Carolina.

Have you ever been to Level Cross? They're wearing them acid wash jeans down there. With pleats! I mean, I still rock the acid wash, but I said goodbye to the pleats circa-2002. Someone send these guys a clue fax! Seriously!

Anywho, what I wanted to write about is this Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell nonsense. Congress just repealed it, and I say, it’s about time. I’ve been living under the Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell policy my entire life. Finally! Sweet freedom! What’s that? No, I’m not gay, although I could understand why you would think that. (Swishes massive mane about) (ED: what the hell is this? Parenthetical action? Stick to the subject.)

Don’t Ask me what I think. Why would you want to do that? Lord knows you know everything, you omniscient prick! You win a few races and all of a sudden you’re some kind of Nostradamus-Einstein-Google hybrid with out-of-style sunglasses. Might as well go buy a bigger cowboy hat, genius.

And Don’t Tell me what to do, either. But of course you will. Outside of making left turns at 190 miles per hour, it’s the best thing you do, right? Drive number 44 — even though you suffer from severe Tetraphobia! Shave! Only one sexy mustache per racing team! Your son should drive for us … what’s the worse that could happen? (Sobs uncontrollably.) (ED: Seriously, cut this shit out. It’s unprofessional.)

So, anyways, I’m happy that gay soldiers don’t have to live under a cloud of oppression and can serve our country honorably. If only a certain iron-fisted leadfoot would get up to speed. (ha ha!)

And for the record y'all, Yanni banged Linda Evans. Not too shabby!

Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Keep on drivin’ hard y’all! … Kyle.

In ironic twist, man dies in living room.

2010-12-14T15:41:00.002-05:00

Bexley, Ohio — For Franklin J. Showalter, death is what happens when you are making other plans.

The 66 year-old Bexley man passed away on December 11 after a long bout with Ideopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis.

Fatal flaw: no toilet.

The terminal diagnosis Showalter received in 2002 allowed him to construct the Franklin J. Showalter Memorial Death Chamber in his Bexley home.

Inspired by the tales of Egyptian pharaohs and their lavish tombs, Showalter built the room with his own two ever-weakening hands.

This 10 x 10 addition — accessible through thick, black velvet curtains — features a custom-made elevated throne. The walls are adorned with vivid depictions of Showalter’s life; from birth, through early adulthood, and finally to death in the aforementioned cathedra. In most of the paintings, Showalter is naked and horrifically well-endowed.

This is where Showalter arranged to die. Life, however, is full of surprises.

A routine trip to the bathroom, located adjacent to the home’s living room, derailed his best-laid plans.

Neighbor Saul Klosterman found Showalter’s lifeless body on the living room carpet.

“Boy, he planned everything. You know, most people had day planner. This guy? He had a minute planner. Every second of his life was accounted for. Isn’t it ironic?” Klosterman lamented, shaking his head. “Alanis Morrisette was right. That Canadian bitch.”

Others familiar with Showalter’s fastidious plotting were equally surprised at the details of his passing.

“He hated curveballs. We once threw a surprise birthday party for him. I ended up in the ER with a broken nose and two black eyes. He did visit and apologize. He told me he could appreciate how much planning went into the party. It was cold comfort.” Remembered Zelda Yates, Showalter’s associate on the New Fellowship Church Events Planning Committee.

Upon entering the Showalter’s self-designed tomb, she marveled at the paintings. “Wow. I should’ve planned on getting to know him better.”

Dyslexic woman arrested for IUD.

2010-12-09T08:06:00.000-05:00

Mugshot: What does F.I.L.M. stand for?

Newark, OH — Darlene Chalmers found out the hard way that fat, drunk and dyslexic is no way to go through life.

Chalmers, 36, was found driving her 1995 Pontiac Sunfire erratically on Licking View Drive. A routine sobriety test combined with a breathalyzer analysis found Chalmers' blood-alcohol percentage at a less-than-legal 0.11%. The legal limit in the state of Ohio is .08%.

Licking County Sheriffs charged Chalmers with DUI and took her into custody late Wednesday night. Upon learning of Chalmers' learning disability, the arresting officer responded: "All I know, is that Darlene Chalmers behind the wheel of an automobile spells disaster, D-I-S-A- ... S-T-E-R."

Upon being booked, Chalmers mistakenly thought she was being detained for her preference in birth control.

"I am a free woman! I have the right to choose birth control I wanna use." blurted a still-intoxicated Chalmers from her holding cell.

Despite several warnings, Chalmers refused to keep quiet.

"You wanna see it? How 'bout you get your head up here in my vajayjay and see how Mister T is doing, Officer Fucktard!" Chalmers bellowed, struggling to remove her pants.

Chalmers' verbal assault elicited chuckles from other staff on hand. County Sheriff Justin Tuckfard was less than amused.

"My last name is Tuckfard. Justin Herbert Tuckfard! You guys all know that! C'mon!"

Grafton's publishers refuse to believe Xylophone deadly.

2010-12-07T08:58:00.004-05:00

S is for ... Seriously?

New York, NY — Best-selling author Sue Grafton has run into trouble from an unlikely source: her very own publisher.

Her "Alphabet Series" mystery novels have sold over 11 billion titles worldwide, next only to prolific page whore Dean Koontz, who has sold an estimated 156 trillion books.

Now, her latest challenge — to base a scintillating murder mystery off of the letter X — has executives at Berkley Books, a division of Penguin USA, second-guessing the letter-loving novelist.

"We love Sue's take on the mystery genre. She's produced 21 outstanding novels, each with a devious new twist on the alphabet. Heck, the upcoming V and W books are really outstanding. But we've told her to go back to the drawing board on this. She's obsessed with perfecting the first college marching band murder mystery. It's stupid. Tragically stupid." said Berkley representative Gideon Shaw.

Leaks of an early manuscript describe Grafton's intrepid alter-ego, Kinsey Milhone investigating a spate of murders in which the victims are found with musical instruments lodged in various bodily orifices.

"Frankly, it reads like a second-rate Scooby Doo episode. By page 22, I knew it was the bipolar sousaphone player." lamented Shaw.

Grafton declined to comment, instead retreating to her twitter account to post "@gideon_shaw: Maybe I should start over with A is for Asshat?"

Grafton's current offering in the series is U is for Undertow.

“I’ll take it all!” Area hoarder proclaims.

2010-12-01T17:20:00.000-05:00

Heath, OH - Jan and Joe Tellier never imagined they’d sell every goddamn piece of shit they’d set out during Saturday’s yard sale but, unbelievably, that’s exactly what happened. Their garage is completely cleaned out, thanks to obsessive-compulsive neighbor Leroy Johnson and his rented 16-foot U-haul trailer.

“Mr. Johnson backed in his truck, stepped out, and offered us $50,000 for everything.” Mrs. Tellier explained. “We were like, okay ... He even took my car!”

Joe Tellier elaborated. “We opened the garage door at seven and closed it around eight after Leroy loaded the ‘precious’ items into his truck. That’s his word, not mine. I’d have called it garbage ... maybe shit.”

We called Mr. Johnson to get his side of the story, as well as some psychiatric counseling, but as he later explained in writing, he had been unable to find the telephone, it being buried beneath some leftovers from last Thanksgiving and what appeared to be two flat dead cats.

Friend of poet loses girl to writers’ cock-block.

2010-11-17T11:38:00.000-05:00

Columbus, OH - James Phelps, 28, left the bar alone Saturday night after having spent two hours establishing a connection with busty college student Holly Roe, 22.

“I’d been working on Holly all night long.” Phelps said. “Just as we’re about to head back to my place, Sebastian saunters over and drops some kind of heroic couplet on her. That was it for me.”

Sebastian, no last name, is a friend of Phelps’s roommate and was in town for the weekend, staying at the Hilton in a room with a 'hot tub, candles and everything.'

One idiot’s eyewitness account described Roe “literally” melting into Sebastian’s arms.

“This was no ‘roses are red’ bullshit.” Another patron offered. “He was a regular Billy Collins, this guy—with hair!”

“I can’t understand it.” Phelps said to Roe in the parking lot that evening as she and Sebastian waited in line for a cab. “Poetry is for pussies.”

“No, James.” Sebastian begged to differ before slipping into the backseat of a cab with Roe. “Poetry is for pussy. Singular.”

LEDGER CLASSIC:15 minutes later, German-Chinese restaurant patrons hungry for power

2010-11-05T11:54:00.000-04:00

Heath, OH - The China-Haus on Main Street, downtown, is bringing new meaning to the term “power lunch.” 15 minutes or so after you’ve read your sauerkraut fortune cookie, you want to kill someone--just to show them who’s boss.

“I really don’t know how to explain it,” a confused customer said while packing his to-go container with Schnitzel Spring Rolls. “I have an intense desire to rule the fucking world right now! It’s weird. But it feels pretty awesome.”

“That was some good stuff.” Larry Richards said, wiping deep-fried Limburger from the corner of his mouth. “In about 14 minutes I’m going to go back to the office and tell my boss to suck Mein Kampf.”

Man loses everything in elaborate ‘Fonzie’ scheme.

2010-10-27T15:26:00.000-04:00

Westerville, OH - Simon Schwartz recently lost his life savings after being taken by an elderly man riding an antique motorcycle.

“He stopped and presented what sounded like a real cool opportunity.” Schwartz said before revealing further details of the con.

From the Orient

The scam-artist in question, Arthur Fonzarelli, 75, first approached Schwartz with an offer to buy an overstock of silk kimonos Fonzarelli’s late father had purchased and shipped over from the Orient in 1957.

“He told me how popular those things were in Milwaukee. Said I’d have exclusive Columbus distribution rights. There was just something about the guy I couldn’t resist.” Schwartz explained. “He snapped his fingers and I ran inside to get my checkbook.”

When Schwartz reemerged, checkbook in hand, he discovered his wife and Fonzarelli ‘making out’ in the driveway.

“I didn’t even care.” Schwartz said. “If I’m being honest, I kind of wished it were me.”

The kimonos never came, and the phone number Fonzarelli provided was actually the number to a Wisconsin prison, a place Fonzarelli’s cousin, Charles Arcola, 68, has called home since 1968.

“I gave him the check.” Schwartz offered, fighting back tears. “And as he was driving off he gave me the thumbs-up sign, told me he’d sit on it ... In hindsight, he may have told me to sit on it.”

“I’m gonna be a fucking pirate. Again."

2010-10-13T14:07:00.002-04:00

By Ernie “Patch” Gustafson

Friends, I can barely keep my eye open I’m so tired. I mowed the lawn, hung some artificial cobwebs; I even painted a few jack-o-lanterns … all in preparation for my favorite holiday, Halloween—the one day of the year no one looks at me funny.

What am I going to be this year, you ask? Same thing I am every year. Or at least every year since cancer stole my goddamn eyeball—not to mention my once-promising baseball career. I’m gonna be a fucking pirate. Again.

I guess I shouldn’t say ‘every’ year. In 2009 I tried being that guy from Lost who wore a patch and had a Russian accent. People were like, “Who the hell are you supposed to be?” And “Where’s the rest of your pirate costume?”

I don’t need to hear that shit so fuck it, this year, I’m going back to basics.

I’ve been giving lots of thought as to how I might change things up a bit, keep it interesting. I think I’m gonna make the little bastards who come to the door pull pieces of candy from my dead eye socket. Won’t that be a hoot?

“Avast, me hardies! Now where did I stash thee bounty? Ah, yes, now I remember … Raaaaaaaargh!”

They are going to absolutely shit themselves!

Now if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got some hay bales to place out front with the mutinying bastard scarecrows.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Mr. Gustafson appears as part of our feature on “People with physical deformities in our community” series.

Area atheist only sent ‘thoughts’ to victim’s family.

2010-10-07T14:47:00.001-04:00

Heath, OH - When Teddy Peterson, 23, was killed in a car accident two weeks ago, his family received a tremendous outpouring of love and support from the community.

“The thoughts and prayers really helped us through.” Teddy’s mother said, still fighting back tears at the mention of her son. “And to a lesser degree that one thought that arrived without a prayer.”

Peterson, still dead.

Mrs. Peterson was referring to the ‘thoughts’ Teddy’s lifelong atheist pal Joseph sent to the grieving family.

“What was I supposed to do, compromise my beliefs?” Joseph asked, not believing this was still a topic of conversation two full weeks later. “It’s all empty platitudes, man.”

“You can shove those thoughts up your ass, Joey!” Teddy’s brother Robby screamed after opening the sympathy card Joseph had sent the family. “Thoughts aren’t going to carry us through the shadow of death. I’ll tell you what I thought … I thought you and Teddy were friends!”

“You can send thoughts without prayers. This is America.” Joseph tried to explain. “It’s just a dumb thing people say. It’s like saying something was ‘surreal.’ It doesn’t mean anything … There is no God and Teddy’s death proves it. Prayers are just stupid things you say out loud to make people uncomfortable.”

Teddy’s sister Margaret, for one, would have preferred to receive prayers and not thoughts. “Thoughts aren’t going to bring Teddy back to life, but prayers might.” She said. “I mean we’re talking about Jesus Christ … Lazarus. Hello?”

As of this printing Teddy Peterson is still dead. So the next time you consider sending thoughts, or thoughts and prayers, to someone who’s lost someone, also consider sending along some sort of experimental reanimating gel.

Vagina discovered during popular author’s routine physical.

2010-09-29T15:53:00.000-04:00

Los Angeles, CA - Doctors found a vagina between the legs of popular novelist Nicholas Sparks this morning, hidden beneath a bush in a tangle of twig and berries.

“We suspected something was wrong after The Notebook.” One of his doctors said when reached by telephone. “Those pages aren’t exactly dripping with testosterone.”

The author’s wife, Cathy, had recently grown tired of expressing her feelings during daily conversations, not to mention the weekly shoe shopping and cuddling after sex. She encouraged doctors to have a good look around during the exam.

“He’s such a good listener, a great cook.” She said. “A tiny hidden vagina only makes sense.”

Japanese pitcher still waiting to break into majors.

2010-09-23T08:00:00.002-04:00

Talented hurler would be Major League's first Homo.

Hokkaido, Japan — Japanese All-Star pitcher Nideo Homo would love to make his next start in an American city, playing Major League Baseball.

Homo has watched other Japanese pitchers like Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hiroki Kuroda make their debuts in the United States, and he just wants the same opportunity. He believes he has the same , if not more talent than those players — but that the similarity to former Major Leaguer Hideo Nomo is what holds him back.

Homo, a seven-year veteran for the Nippon Ham Fighters in the Pacific League, thinks his time is now.

Homo and Charlie Sheen, left.

"I've done all I can. It is now up to the fairies and godmothers of the great baseball universe." Homo said, via someone we believe to be his translator. "They must pass ultimate judgment or else I will live with shame of a thousand generations, in a rowboat tied to a black swan in the waters off coast of Hell."

Homo boasts an arsenal of pitches, anchored by the famed 99 mile-per-hour "Flaming Anus."

"The ball spins in such a way as to create the effect of one staring into a giant asshole. It is mesmerizing, like the actor James Woods." said Homo's pitching coach and former major league pitcher Ken Holtzman.

This season alone, Homo has won 17 games with an league-leading ERA of 2.67.

Holtzman showered Homo with more praise "He's too good to pass up, that's for sure. Hitters really like to try to smack his Flaming Anus, but end up flailing around like little man boys."

Ham Fighter fans have nicknamed Homo "Robot Dog Sex Machine" for his amazing accomplishments.

Homo is also an avid follower of American pop culture. He has a pet ferret named Charlie Sheen and a squid named Advil Lavigne. He also has every episode of Who's The Boss? on laserdisc.

Despite the lack of interest from Major League clubs, Homo is still optimistic:

"I know day will come when Seattle Mariners make mind-boggling sexual imposition on general managers of Japan. Refuse will not happen, but golden-happy sunshine of professional service will be upon us, and it make us feel super delicious."

If he does make the majors, Homo does plan on hiring a new translator.

Blind governor signs on the not-dotted line.

2010-09-22T15:21:00.002-04:00

Albany, NY - Thousands of the nastiest, most vicious criminals in the New York State penal system were released to the wild last evening when the blind governor put his ‘signature’ on the wrong line, on the wrong document.

“I don’t know how the ‘Set Everyone Free’ document got into my pile of papers to sign.” Governor David A. Paterson said. “I’ll bet Spitzer is behind this.”

All over the state, inmates took to the streets dancing, twirling with their arms extended like happy orphans from a Broadway musical, raping and killing everyone in their path.

If you’re just discovering this and live in the state of New York, there’s probably a known rapist hiding in one of your closets right now. Don’t fight them. They will kill you.

“This am a joyous day for me.” Recently released once-convicted rapist Keith Bullock said before sodomizing this reporter with the tape-recorder microphone. “I got to be with a girl last night. Ten of them! White girls. Thank you, Jesus!”

“There are reasons the last legally blind governor was in office a grand total of 11 days back in 1975.” District Attorney Cyrus R. Vance, Jr. said. “This would be one of those reasons.”

“I still don’t see what I did wrong. ” The governor said. “Get it?”

How soon area Alzheimer’s patient forgets about 9/11.

2010-09-11T15:15:00.000-04:00

Chillicothe, OH - As the nation reflects on the dreadful events of September 11, 2001, and pays its respects to the victims and families, one man is looking forward to “eating Jell-O and watching some of the old pigskin on the boob-tube.”

Thaddeus Lemke, 87, of the Sunflower Convalescent Home on Eastern Avenue, also plans on making sweet love to his wife Gladys after the game, despite the fact she’s been dead for 22 years.

"Knute Rockne!" He shouted, raising a palsied hand in the air.

“I don’t appreciate the old bastard’s ignorance.” Orderly James Johnson said through gritted teeth. “I lost a friend in the South Tower … I can't accept this from a guy who was stationed in Hawaii and lived through Pearl Harbor.”

“What did you say, Tyrone?!” Lemke screamed.

“Changed his diaper three times a day for five years and he pretends he doesn’t know my name. That’s hurtful.”

“Why are the flags at half-staff?” Lemke asked looking out the window. “Did Roosevelt pass?”

Never forget, people, so long as you can help it.

I should have killed one of the other Beatles.

2010-09-09T16:19:00.001-04:00

By Mark David Chapman

By now you’ve probably heard I was denied parole for the sixth time last Tuesday. It’s clear I’m never getting out of here. It was almost 30 years ago, people! Forgive. Forget. Move on. Does a ‘danger to society’ have a bad back, bum knees and hemorrhoids? No!

It’s quite clear I killed the wrong fucking guy.

I should have shot Paul. I could have spared the world his politics, all that PETA bullshit, vegetarianism. And rest assured, I wouldn’t have waited until 1980 either. Those last few Wings albums? Jesus Christ!

And who would have given a shit if I had killed George? The Maharishi? Please. This guy had a miserable life. Eric Clapton stole his girl. He got attacked with a knife. Cancer. Killing George would have simply been fulfilling the Lord’s wishes.

Don’t even get me started on Ringo. Homeless kids play 5-gallon pail drums better than that son of a bitch. And we’ve been paying for "Thomas the Tank Engine" too goddamn long. Bang! I could have nipped that shit in the bud.

Either of those three guys and I’d be chillin’ on a beach somewhere with my boyfriend Tyrone out of jail 10 years at least, but John Lennon? Peace. Love. Complete and utter bullshit.

P.S. After the first thousand reads The Catcher in the Rye sucks!

Local company experiences wild growth.

2010-08-31T15:33:00.000-04:00

Cardington, OH - Stable hands at a tiny horse farm in northern Delaware County have discovered what promises to be the next big (and thick) thing in penis-size technology.

HLH Enterprises, Inc. is now offering their exclusive top-secret formula, which promises to have men “long in the tooth” in as little as 10 to 12 weeks, all for just three easy payments of $1,700.00 if you act now.

“We’ve gone to great lengths to bring ‘Whoa!’ to market.” A company representative said. “Extremely great lengths, if you know what I mean. We’ve also gone to great girths. Wait. That doesn’t make sense.”

Veterinarians aren’t even sure how this new hung like a horse-pill works.

“It works on a basic genetic level.” One of the founding stable boys offered. “Using the horse’s genetic material, we’ve been able to synthesize a blend of ‘Palomino acids,’ which are like amino acids but you know, from a Palomino.”

“That’s right,” Another spoke from inside the corral, lovingly stroking one of the magnificent creatures. “The Palomino color is created by a single allele of a dilution gene appropriately called … the ‘cream’ gene. You women are going to love it. Just make sure there’s a towel around.”

The print advertisement for “Whoa!” features a Palomino’s undercarriage coupled with the promise of amazing increases in length and girth, and the added benefit of a gorgeous pubic mane.

War hero’s foot-crafted jewelry now 95% off!

2010-08-26T15:46:00.000-04:00

Columbus, OH - Frank Stinson of ‘Frank Stinson’s Gold & Silver Costume Creations’ is slashing prices on all his gold and silver costume creations!

“I’m making room for my 2009 fall collection, which is a little late in coming because, well, no hands.” Frank said, eyeballing the grotesque stumps protruding from either side of his body.

"Ball."

A combat veteran of two Iraqi conflicts, Frank lost both arms just below the shoulder to an IED. In 2008, after a full year at Walter Reed Hospital where it became clear an adequate prosthesis would never be found, he gave God the metaphorical finger and started working with his feet.

“It’s been tough. Especially working the cash register.” Frank said. “I know just what that unarmed robber was going through last week when the teller tried to hand him the money … Sometimes you forget you don’t have hands until you actually try to do something—like rob a bank or take a piss.”

Good news. The 95% off sale will continue until all of Frank’s creations are sold, including pieces entitled ‘Ball,’ (pictured) ‘Blob,’ ‘Flat’ and ‘Snake.’

Fake news story writes itself.

2010-08-24T16:21:00.000-04:00

Police find necroleptic man sleeping at morgue.

2010-08-19T10:37:00.000-04:00

Heath, OH - Police found a naked man sleeping between two overturned corpses at the county morgue yesterday, the long-ash of a cigarette still burning in his right hand.

James R. MacMullen, 45, suffers from a sleepy yet sexy blend of narcolepsy and necrophilia called necrolepsy, an extremely rare, usually deadly combination.

“Most people with this disease combination are killed by an angry mob of the victim’s relatives.” Dr. Thomas Drew offered from the emergency room three floors above the morgue. “It’s unclear how this man was able to survive this long.”

It took officers a full 30 minutes to rouse MacMullen from his post-coital slumber and bring him into custody, the first 20 of which was spent cleaning up their own vomit.

“Sick bastard. He’ll be fucking his own corpse in prison one day—if he’s not too tired.” Officer Jesse Standifer said, still visibly shaken. “The general population puts these people right up there with child molesters.”

Further details were withheld pending notification of the families of the late Gladys Smith, 92, and Stanley Johnson, 67.

Improved home improvement show coming to HGTV.

2010-08-17T08:11:00.005-04:00

New York, NY — HGTV is revamping an old favorite for their new fall season.

The popular home improvement hit Holmes on Homes is adding a few more Holmes to the mix in a bold bid to increase ratings and give the show a broader appeal among a more diverse audience.

Holmes and Holmes and Holmes on Homes' inaugural season kicks off September 10.

"The show follows a format unlike that of any other home improvement show on TV. First, Sherlock Holmes tracks down the negligible contractors, Larry Holmes knocks them out, and that last Holmes, the one with coveralls — well, he fixes the house." says production executive George Glatz.

Glatz is optimistic the show will continue to see increased ratings. His pitch to skeptical executives at the network and sponsors was simple.

"It's Law and Order with granite counter tops and travertine. Look, we took a moderately successful venture and added elements of crime-solving and boxing without sacrificing the home improvement aspect. What more could you want?"

The original show, produced largely in Canada, featured a down-to-earth overall-clad super contractor who rescues naïve homeowners from botched construction jobs.

"That element still exists, for sure. But frankly, people weren't really identifying with that one Holmes guy, ... whatshisface."

Glatz then searched the air around him, snapping his fingers, as if to try and conjure up Mike, which is the original "Holmes" first name.

"Yeah, Mark. Him. That slab of humanity."

Glatz considers Sherlock Holmes, the famous sleuth created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, a fictional character in name only.

"Oh, he's real ... on the show. I think of him in the same way I think of Jeff Goldblum or Ryan Reynolds as a fictional character."

Glatz envisions "hybridizing" other HGTV shows in the same manner.

"Who doesn't see the words House Hunters International and think guns, money and exotic locations? I mean, people will still be buying houses, but they'll have to hunt for them first ...With guns."

Man charged with "unarmed" robbery.

2010-08-12T07:30:00.002-04:00

Columbus, OH - An attempted heist of a Huntington Bank was thwarted yesterday by the perpetrator’s own genetic defect.

Diego Ramos, 43, a Mexican or Honduran-American, something like that, is seen on surveillance tapes NOT reaching for two bags of money the teller holds out toward him. Tapes also show Ramos getting hit in the chest by the bags, the money spilling to the floor, and Ramos comically running from the scene.

“It was pretty funny.” Detective Anthony Simmons said chuckling, before seeing the tape-recorder and getting serious. “Robbery, of course, armed or otherwise, will not go unpunished.”

“This guy walks over with a piece of paper in his mouth, puts it down on the counter and uses his nose to slide it over to me.” The still-shaken teller said, referring to the barely legible slip of paper Ramos allegedly penned with a foot. “It smelled like Limburger. That’s never good.”

An afternoon press briefing revealed more details.

“Security cameras clearly show Mr. Ramos’s face from multiple angles—having had no arms with which to pull the business end of his ski mask down prior to entering the bank.” Detective Simmons said before fielding questions from the media. “Right now, the suspect is at County General being treated for a bullet wound suffered after failing to put his hands in the air as instructed by arresting officers.”

Ramos is scheduled to raise his right leg and tell nothing but the truth in court tomorrow morning.

Man donates 13 cents to “help” Jerry’s Kids.

2010-08-10T15:28:00.001-04:00

Piketon, OH — The purchase of a Big Grab Chili Cheese Fritos and a 24-ounce ‘tall-boy’ IceHouse Beer at a nearby convenience store is going a little, almost microscopic way to helping those with muscular dystrophy and related diseases have a brighter future.

Piketon resident Lester McClung tossed the remaining change from his purchase into an MDA-sponsored donation can on the check out counter.

“Well, them cripples need all the help they’s (sic) can get.” McClung beamed when asked about his paltry beneficence.

Thanks to McClung, a dime and three pennies are now en route to Tuscon, Arizona to provide near-imperceptible comfort to one of “Jerry’s Kids.”

MDA is the nonprofit health agency dedicated to curing muscular dystrophy, ALS and related diseases by funding worldwide research. The Association also provides comprehensive health care and support services, advocacy and education.

Ironically, 12 cents out of every dollar donated to the MDA goes to cover organizational and administration costs. The remaining 88 cents goes directly to those in need.

Local MDA Chairperson Isis Styles lamented that McClung’s ‘generosity’ could actually cost the organization money.

“Processing the donation — the man hours, the paperwork — will probably be somewhere in the two hundred dollar range. So, we’ll be taking a net loss. Thank God above for write-offs.”

The only way for McClung’s feeble goodwill to make much of a difference is if it is bundled by other outpourings from patrons of the Duke & Duchess Shoppe convenience store on 615 B West Street.

A shake of the donation can, however, reveals that this seems an unlikely outcome.

When reached for comment, iconic MDA National Chairman comedian Jerry Lewis sighed heavily and said “Who is this cheap asshole? We should arrange a meet-and-greet with one of my kids so they can thank him with a personal cock punch.”

Area church keeps flock guessing.

2010-07-21T11:12:00.000-04:00

Chillicothe, OH - The Church of the Heavenly Ham was formed as an alternative for people who’ve grown disenchanted with today’s “organized” religions, but its purposefully disorganized nature has created more than a few challenges in its first year of operation.

“We have a non-binding set of random principles, plus 10 ‘suggestions’ for living a better, more spiritual life.” Pastor Greg McRoberts said. “Only the Ham of God can take away the sins of the earth … or something like that.”

We asked the church’s ‘Secretary of the Week’ Gladys Smithson how many people were in the congregation. She said, “We don’t really write anything down—evidence or whatever—so only God knows. I’d say like 300 … give or take a couple hundred.”

“What I love most about this place is it’s not your typical crazy right-wing organized religion—with a God, a Jesus, and a loosely defined but all-important Holy Spirit.” Heavenly Ham member Thomas Dawkins said, his wife and children arranged around him like little angels. “We just sit around, shoot the shit, and do whatever we damn-well please. It’s awesome.”

“We may be disorganized, but there’s always ham at the after-service buffet.” Mrs. Dawkins added. “It’s heavenly … or what I imagine heaven would taste like.”

Local boy has "Magic" Johnson.

2010-07-15T15:52:00.003-04:00

Columbus, OH - Darius Jones pointed to his "Magic" Johnson with pride this afternoon, practically rubbing it in the faces of friends who'd formed a circle around him to get a closer look.

"Here it is, bitches." Jones said, carefully holding it up with two hands. "A feast for the eyes, no? It's practically flawless, if I do say so myself."

The onlookers gasped with envy, reaching out to touch the "Magic" Johnson. For a few, it was their first time seeing one up close and personal.

"Easy there, killers." Jones admonished. "I don't want any fingerprints on it. Whoever gets this thing is going to pay--probably through the nose. I'm really going to make it hurt."

If you'd like to bid on Mr. Jones's 1980-81 "Magic" Johnson basketball card, which also features Larry Bird and Jack Sikma, visit ebay.com.

Area man ‘95 percent sure’ this is his wife.

2010-07-13T09:44:00.000-04:00

Heath, OH - “You see these markings, here under the neck.” Jim Harrison said examining the neck of the woman he’s 95 percent sure is his long-lost wife. “I think these are from when she tried to kill herself that time.”

Mr. Harrison is ‘95 percent sure’ the woman indentified in hospital records as ‘Jane Doe’ and being thusly examined at General Hospital, is actually Margaret Harrison, a 42-year old woman who disappeared from her Heath area home eight months ago, apparently from an open upstairs window.

“I’m 95 percent sure this is her.” Mr. Harrison repeated. “She had a crazy toenail on her left pinky toe and look,” he exclaimed, holding the unresponsive woman’s foot high in the air. “That right there is one crazy ass toenail. This has to be her. I’m close to 96 percent sure.”

For now ‘Jane Doe’ lies in a vegetative state, having been found unconscious Thursday on the side of the highway with third degree burns on her face, chest and back.

“I’m here, Maggie.” Mr. Harrison whispered lovingly into his supposed wife’s ear, thinking we were out of earshot. “You escaped from me once. But you can be 95 percent sure it won’t happen again.”

Area man doesn’t want son hanging around with those “macular degenerates.”

2010-06-29T14:09:00.000-04:00

Heath, OH - Charles Ewing, 55, wonders why his son can’t just be like a normal person and hang out with people his own age.

“He spends half his time hanging down at the old folks home chasing after old guys and their walkers while his buddies are out chasing tail, bird-dogging.” Ewing says. “I worry about him. That’s all.”

“Jesus. These people, dad, they don’t have anyone.” Charlie Ewing Jr. replied not quite believing his ears. “My visits lift their spirits. You can see it. Besides, I enjoy their company. More than I do yours, you miserable prick.”

“I always thought you might be gay, Charlie … this just proves it.”

“Because I’m helping others? You’ve got some problems, dad.”

“Get your eyes off my crotch!”

“MC Orange” would love to inject own name into dope rhymes.

2010-06-24T11:33:00.001-04:00

Heath, OH – In 1996, local teenager Abe Von Finklesburg decided to devote his life to rap music, a tragic decision compounded by a decision to also adopt the stage name “MC Orange.”

“I didn’t want my enemies on the west side using my name in their lyrics, youknowwhatimsayin?” Orange asked, ignoring eyebrows that said we had no clue what he was saying. “Wiggas be thinkin’ they clever and shit. Well, I’d show those dope-ass muthafuckas … Ain’t nobody’s momma’s name rhyme with no orange, youknowwhatimsayin?”

The west side rappers MC Orange once engaged in lyrical showdowns with have all since moved on — to actual paying jobs, families, prison. These days only Von Finklesburg can be found outside the Corner Grocery waving his arms up and down, “beatboxing,” and mumbling unintelligibly into a balled up fist as microphone.

“The great ones, they always be droppin’ their own names in shit, youknowwhatimsayin?” Orange lamented. “My goal is to find a word that rhymes with orange … I used ‘blorange’ once but people were like, ‘Hold up. What the fuck is a blorange?’”

For now, the best Von Finklesburg can come up with is something along the lines of, “M to the C to the O to the R to the A to the N to the G to the E, motherfucker, THAT’S ME!”

Landon Donovan to bring 'snack' for match against Algeria.

2010-06-21T12:00:00.002-04:00

Johannesburg, South Africa — The United States soccer team has announced that forward Landon Donovan will be responsible for bringing 'snack' for the team's upcoming match against Algeria at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

Win, lose or draw, the team gets to enjoy a snack and a drink after every match. That is, after congratulating the other team and then running through the 'human tunnel' of players' relatives at midfield.

"Herculez (Gomez) is already bringing Capri Sun Black Cherry Roaring Waters. He had to smuggle them on the plane! They're so awesome!" exclaimed goalkeeper Tim Howard.

Midfielder José Torres added: "We're hoping for Oreo Cakesters or Cheez-Its ... hopefully none of that granola bar crap."

Donovan cautioned his mates on expecting too much, saying "Dudes. We're in South Africa. I haven't a clue what I'll be able to get my hands on ... we might be having fried dung beetles for all I know. "

Tippy Canoe and Tyler 2

2010-06-17T08:33:00.003-04:00

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School

Heath, OH — Hey guys, Janice here. ZOMG! I can't believe I'm like a regular columnist or whatever. I'm like that really really ancient reporter lady who just got fired for being like Adolph Hilton. But I'm totally cuter, right?

I'm here to talk about History, which I'm like an expert on or whatever. It's not like geometry — which sucks. Wait a minute, my editor might need to edit that out so Mrs. Petry doesn't see it.

History is easy to learn cuz it's already happened or whatever. Anywho, like a long time ago, there was this hairy dude who was running for President back in like the 20th century or whatever. They all called him Tippy Canoe because, well, like, he would never sit down in the canoes when they were canoeing and he would always tip them over and get everyone all wet. He was kind of a jerk, I guess, but the people thought it was kind of funny and they called him that. His real name was William Harry Henderson, and like I said he was real hairy, and he was the inspiration for that Harry and the Hendersons movie — which I saw on the CW last weekend. It was stupid.

Anyways, the other guy, like his vice president guy was Tyler 2. That's cuz there was another Tyler who was already like the President sometime, or Secretary of the State or something, so he was the second Tyler. They couldn't just say "Hey Tyler, because the other Tyler guy, the first one, would be like 'what?' but then they'd have to say 'no, not you, the other Tyler.'" It's so confusing because we have two Tylers in my class. Tyler Gates is like, pretty hot and he has Robert Pattinson hair, which is a total bonus. Tyler Diurba is a buttwad who once tried to impregnate my friend Holly by kissing her and then jizzing in a hot tub. True story, but I regress.

So some guy wrote this awesome song (it was like Alejandro at that time or something.) about them and it got them totally elected to The White House, which was cool I guess.

Anyways — you could totally google this stuff to check it out since it's historical. Also, I'm on Twitter now, so like, follow me or whatever.

Blind tailor a 'constant prick.'

2010-06-15T08:33:00.001-04:00

Heath, OH — A recently blinded tailor has the greater Heath community up in arms ... with perfectly-styled sleeves!

Edward Semple, 77, owner/operator of Top Kut Tailors on Whatever Street was rendered sightless three months ago by the accidental misuse of Formula 409. That, he says, was now a blessing in disguise as Top Kut is having it's best year in a long while.

Without the luxury of sight, Semple has relied on a new-found deftness of touch to guide his aged hands. Fifty-two years of experience in tailoring combined with a keen tactility has made Semple the go-to asshole for the community's alterations. Top Kut regular Gerry Rossman agrees:

"He told me I felt a litte Asian in the crotch. At first, I was like 'what the hell does that mean', then I realized he was mocking my manhood."

Rossman was infuriated, that is, until he tried on the newly-fitted pants.

"He sewed in some extra padding, you know ... down there. I've never caught so many ladies' eyes in my life. Thanks jackass blind tailor!"

Top Kut patron Paula Hamilton also initially had doubts about Semple's ability:

"I've added some weight over the winter and I was having him, um, add a little to a dress for an upcoming wedding ... he swept his hands across my 'fupa' and told me 'less pad thai, more tae bo.'"

"I was appalled. I swore I would never return. But darn if that dress didn't fit perfectly ... I got so many complements."

Customers are getting used to the Top Kut routine: Insults before results.

At first, local businessman Grady Landis couldn't believe his ears. "There he is, that old sightless bastard, caressing my buttocks, telling me there's enough cottage cheese in these to feed a third world country — the nerve!"

Now, he can't believe his eyes.

"All I could think was lawsuit! ... Now, three-piece suit."

Actor O' Malley has baseball cap surgically removed.

2010-06-10T08:21:00.001-04:00

• New hatless roles await actor after revolutionary procedures.

• Suffers from worst case of hat-head ever seen.

A new era has dawned in Mike O' Malley's acting career.

O'Malley known as much for his signature baseball cap as his 'adequate' comedic acting skills, recently went under the knife to have the hat — which had literally grown into his cranium — removed.

"The hat was a defense mechanism against my impending baldness, but it actually ended up being a handicap of its own — much like being bald is." admitted O' Malley.

"After the second surgery, all that was left was a yarmulke-sized thing. I was afraid I was going to have to brush up on my Yiddish." the former stand-up comedian "joked."

All that remains of the legendary Boston Red Sox cap is the button. Additional procedures may allow surgeons to remove it at a later date, but several are skeptical O' Malley will ever be completely free of the symbiotic chapeau.

Head surgeon Dieter Frohm expressed concern "Wearing the hat every day for the past 31 years resulted in the fibers of the hat growing into Mr. O' Malley's cranial tissues. His hair, what was left of it, had assumed an almost cotton-wool blend quality. It's not quite clear that we'll be able to get all of it."

O' Malley, whose credits include the CBS sitcom "Yes, Dear", those ESPN commercials you really liked years ago, and a recent turn on "Glee", is happy to finally be free of the typecasting that has plagued his career.

"No more being a janitor, mechanic, or retired baseball player. Maybe I'll land a role as a high-profile lawyer."

Maybe you will, Mike. But we sincerely doubt it.

Childhood obesity bill stuck in House.

2010-06-09T10:56:00.006-04:00

Legislation loaded with pork 'too tired' to play outside.

Columbus, OH — Landmark legislation aimed at tackling the burgeoning waistlines of the state's youth has stalled in the State House of Representatives.

The bill, stuck in the lower house of the General Assembly, is awaiting further review of its exercise mandate, which is opposed by groups representing teachers and school boards had complained that districts could not afford to implement that proposal.

The house is ironically now in recess, playing hopscotch, four-square and tag.

As the bill awaits committee approval, it spends most of its time snacking on Bugles and playing Red Dead Remdemption on XBOX 360 in the Statehouse lounge.

"Every time I see it, it's bigger. I don't think we'll ever be able to get it out of here." lamented House speaker Armand Budish.

Serial entrepreneur had business plans buried in basement.

2010-06-08T10:49:00.000-04:00

Heath, OH – Jeremy Snodgrass, 53, owner of a number of businesses in central Ohio, including the ‘Squeaky Clean Car Wash’ on Route 3, and ‘Dolores’s Downtown Rub and Tug’ among others, was arrested yesterday by Federal authorities and taken into custody on multiple charges including tax evasion and prostitution.

“I’ve known Jeremy for years.” A neighbor said. “Quiet guy. Kept to himself mostly … He tried to get me to invest in a couple companies he was putting together. One a geriatric pet store concept and the other a jewelry company specializing in ‘Face-lets’ or something, which I imagine are bracelets … for the face. Fuck, I don’t know.”

“Mr. Snodgrass had a number of businesses operating beyond the money-grubbing auspices of the federal government and the state of Ohio.” One of the FBI agents involved in the arrest said. “Operating businesses will not be tolerated … I mean … you know what I’m trying to say.”

A female agent waving business plans found hidden in a shallow grave in a dark corner of the Snodgrass basement chimed in, “What he’s trying to say is if we hadn’t stepped in, assuming an infusion of initial capital of course, your children would’ve someday been munching on one of ‘Aunt Millie’s Munchy Moist Muffins,’ or, God-forbid, wearing … Cargo socks! Oh, and look at this one — ‘Snodgrass’s Surefire Oil Spill Clean-up and Containment System' … I’d say we put a stop to all this just in time.”

Snodgrass, owner of ‘J. Snodgrass Do-it-Yourself Legal Services,’ will be defending himself in the case.

"Exotic" dancer actually from Cleveland.

2010-05-27T11:57:00.001-04:00

Columbus, OH - A local man filed a frivolous lawsuit today seeking nearly $1 million in damages from Little Darlings, LLC, owners of a number of “exotic” dance clubs in the area. Also named in court documents obtained by The Ledger is Juanita Cox, 38, a recently retired, longtime employee of Little Darlings.

Tyrone G. “Money” Simpson, 45, of Grove City, claims he recently discovered that for the past 20 years he’d been tucking hard-earned dollar bills and the occasional food stamp into the g-string and folds of Ms. Cox believing she was an “exotic” dancer, only to find out she hails from Cleveland, a far less than exotic town 120 miles to the north.

“You’ll have to talk to my lawyer, Holmes.” Simpson said when reached by telephone.

Simpson’s lawyer, surprisingly not named Holmes, said, “My client, over the course of many years, countless lap-dances, champagne sessions, and more than a few parking lot rub and tugs, was led to believe Ms. Cox was an “exotic” from Jamaica, and that the money he gave her was being sent there to save her children from Rastafarian drug lords.”

Club owners have filed a counter-suit claiming Ms. Cox has always referred to herself as an “erotic” dancer and that Mr. Simpson is something of an idiot, which may or may not be for the courts to decide.

“We merely want to ensure that in the future, these strippers concentrate on their clients’ soft erections and not prey on the soft spots men have in their hearts for children threatened by Rastafarian drug lords.” Simpson’s lawyer clarified. “We also want a million dollars, but will settle for 10-grand. Oops ... Did I say that out loud?”

Preliminary arguments begin June 8.

I do NOT have Parkinson's.

2010-05-25T15:48:00.002-04:00

By Heath Resident,
Michael K. Fox

Hello. I'm Michael Fox. That's Michael K. Fox not Michael J. Fox. The K is for Kevin, okay? I'm not from Canada. I didn't star in the 'Back to the Future' trilogy. And I wasn't in 'Family Ties.' I'm not even gay. And I certainly, without a good goddamn shadow of a doubt, do NOT have Parkinson's disease.

There. You got it? Good. Now stop asking me about it, telemarketers. Screw you, neighborhood pranksters. Don't bother handing me a paintbrush and asking me to "go wild" anymore. This ends here, today, right now.

Sometimes I wish my name were Michael Jordan or something, you know. Then I could at least answer your questions about basketball. Something I actually like. I hate Parkinson's. It might be the stupidest disease going -- apart from "alcoholism." The shakes. Oooooooh. I'm so scared. Look at me. I'm shaking! I get the fucking shakes when I haven't eaten in a couple hours. You don't see me bitching about it.

Whatever. It's off my chest now. Thanks to the Heath Ledger for letting me put this out there.

Editor's note: Michael K. Fox is a diabetic who has never been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. He did have a chlamydia test once after serving overseas but claims results returned negative.

The Futile System

2010-05-20T14:28:00.002-04:00

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School

Heath, OH - Hey, everyone. It's me, Janice. I guess they liked my last article on Hilton so much they decided to have me back or whatever. And guess what? Mr. Delahante's even giving me extra credit for these!

Today's topic is the Futile System. It's like where everything you try to do is basically futile or whatever. For example, last month Mike Pare asked me to go to the prom with him. I was like, whatever! Like I'm gonna go to the prom -- the most important dance of my life -- with a guy caught masturbating in a second floor ladies room! Yeah. As if. Dream on, futile-boy. Just don't dream about me and do what you were caught doing, you perv. Though I guess that would be kind of flattering or whatever ...

Anyway, I guess the king way back when would give people this land they could live on so they could try to eek out some kind a meager existence or whatever. The people the king gave land to then hired these pheasants to work the land. I guess in and around all the bushes and stuff. It was futile, of course. They're all dead now.

Am I losing you? Stay with me. If we don't learn from this history stuff we're doomed to repeat it. I don't want Barack Obama taking my land by executive order and giving it to Kings, Nobles and Knights or whatever. Do you?

Granted, I don't own any land. But I have a cousin who works at Medieval Times. It's like he's trapped in that time period.

I hope you learned something, guys. I'm Janice. Facebook me or whatever.

Area homosexual diagnosed with fruit lupus.

2010-05-18T11:17:00.003-04:00

Lancaster, OH – Popular hairstylist Adam Barnes, 26, is in for the fight of his life, surpassing that time he and Kevin Jankiewicz had it out on the dance floor, bitch-slapping and pulling hair before just getting it over with and kissing.

“I noticed my knees were swollen ... I was like, OMG, what’s happening to me?" Barnes said with a stereotypical, almost surreal affectation.

His doctor had this to say about the diagnosis, completely ignoring confidentiality protocol:

“’Fruit’ lupus is characterized by chronic inflammation of the throat, colon, hands and knees. It’s an autoimmune disorder. Even with treatment, it’ll probably become what's called, 'full-blown' lupus.”

“Mr. Barnes,” he continued, using air quotes at the word mister, “presented with a pink shirt, earrings, and incredibly low testosterone levels. He didn’t respond to pictures of naked females ... The gaping anus sealed the diagnosis, I'd say.”

A stoic Barnes seemed prepared for the long battle ahead.

“It’s painful.” He said. “But no more painful than some of the things I’ve been through — if you know what I mean.”

Deaf, blind, student lacks "Keller Instinct."

2010-05-13T12:26:00.003-04:00

Teacher asks: "Who do you think I am? Some kind of miracle worker?"

Stow, OH — Kathy Perkins would like the world to know that she is no Anne Sullivan. And that her deafblind pupil, Stephanie Wentling, is certainly no Helen Keller.

Wentling, 6, bears an uncanny resemblance to Keller, whom teacher Sullivan helped transform into the first deafblind person to earn a Bachelor's Degree — and who went on to become a world-class activist and lecturer. Due to the constant comparisons, Perkins feels an abundance of pressure to do the same with Wentling.

"It's like when you compare any basketball prodigy to Michael F-ing Jordan. The expectations are so unreal."

The Wentling family, whom have three other completely non-Helen-Keller children, asked Perkins to work closely with their youngest daughter Stephanie, hoping the two's story would later be portrayed in a made-for-TV movie or Broadway play.

Perkins, who works in the Wentling home, spends eight to ten exhausting hours a day with the impaired child. Lessons include sign language, shape and form recognition, and not picking one's nose and eating it.

"People are really expecting big things out of her. And me. It can be a little intimidating. Hell, Keller wrote 12 books, she won the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and she was elected to the National Women's Hall of Fame! She introduced the Akita dog breed to the United States for crying out loud! This kid will be lucky if she knows what a dog is." Perkins confided, once away from the parents.

Still, Perkins remains steadfast that she can at least help the child learn to eat with utensils and use the bathroom.

"It would be nice if she ended up on the state quarter, like Helen Keller, but let's not kid ourselves. This kid is deaf, blind, and frankly, pretty dumb."

You can only hope to contain me.

2010-05-07T08:10:00.009-04:00

By The Gulf Oil Spill

I'm free!

That's right BP, you're not refining my ass into gas!

This petroleum-powered genie is out of the bottle! Let me tell you, there's nothing quite like a cool ocean breeze over the open sea. I feel like Ernest Hemingway out here!

I always wanted a little time in the sun, a day at the beach, if you will — and now I've finally got it. I've put in my time — thousands of years — just sitting here, mixed with mud, under layer upon layer of sediment, constant heat and pressure, converting my organic kerogens into hydrocarbons through the process of catagenesis.

Do you know I used to be plants? Prehistoric zooplankton and algae! When you get down to it, I was green waaaaay before any of you environmentalist motherfuckers!

What's that you say? You don't want me endangering the coasts with my nasty, oily self? Wait a minute — isn't the cast of Jersey Shore in Miami? And you have the audacity to call me 'crude?'

Another thing — do you really care that much about waterfowl or do you just want to make some more of those self-fellating Dawn commercials? You saved a couple of ducks by giving them a bath. Go ahead, pound that out "heroes." Me and my ilk? We've just been powering the engines of innovation and production for over a hundred f-in years. Without me, you'd still be harassed by buggy whip salesmen.

Oh, you're welcome.

I now "threaten" the Gulf Coast fishery establishment, not to mention the tourism trade of the entire state of Florida, as if I'm some kind of terrorist. Let me ask you an honest question — have you seen some of these 'tourists' that take to these beaches ... now that's some terror! Clearwater ... you can thank me later.

So, bring on the skimmer boats and the chemical dispersants and the 41 miles of boom.

I'm still gushing away at 215,000 gallons a day. Pretty slick, ain't it?

Area designer launches “Fuxedo” just in time for prom season.

2010-05-06T11:23:00.001-04:00

Columbus, OH – Prom night promises to be a magical evening for teenage boys throughout the area this year, especially for those donning designer Jean Vivaldi’s latest creation, the “Fuxedo.”

“Ze Fuxedo iz a tuxzedo you can leave on for make love.” Vivaldi said, wearing one to highlight its features. “On ze beach, in ze hallvay, during ze slow dance, venever and verever.”

“I know what I’m wearing!” Teenager Joseph Wosniak said following the unveiling, throwing his arms up in victory as his girlfriend sat slack-jawed by his side.

“Ze hat iz to draw ze eye away from ze penis.” Vivaldi continued. “Alzo will hide ze “O” face from all ze chaperones.”

“Look at this thing.” Wosniak said later, trying one on for size. “The penis part is actually a condom. And, it’s got tiny pockets hidden inside the sleeves where you can put your keys, your date rape drugs, what have you!”

Area virgin Charles Frizzle added, “It cost me $300 to convince the girl I’m going with to attend, so for $800 this “Fuxedo” better live up to its name.”

Adolf Hilton, you were so mean!

2010-04-29T14:16:00.005-04:00

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School

Heath, OH - We watched this movie in class the other day called “Valkyrie” or whatever. There was this character named Hilton who apparently killed a bunch of Jews and stuff because they had big noses or whatever. And there was this other guy in the movie with an eye patch named Tom Cruise who wanted to kill Hilton with some briefcase or whatever. His plan didn’t work. True story.

We learned more about Hilton in class. Apparently, he set up these camps for inattentive Jewish people or whatever, only they didn’t teach them how to concentrate or anything, they just taught them how to wear striped pajamas and starve half to death or whatever. He also did something to give them gas - beans I would suspect.

I think, like, Paris Hilton is his great-great-grand daughter or whatever.

Anyway, Hilton threw a party for these people called “Not-sees,” which I guess were, like, blind people or whatever. There must have been beer because those people loved him for the parties. They were always, like, “Hi, Hilton!” Then Hilton would be all, “Hi!” back to them with a big wave or whatever.

The good news is Hilton finally killed himself with a Braun. I never knew you could vacuum yourself to death but … whatever. Good riddance, meanie! Nice mustache, by the way.

That's it. I hope I get full credit for this or whatever. I’ve always wanted to be in The Heath Ledger .... Or vice-versa if you know what I mean. Heath Ledger was soooo hot!

Don't expect too much from new microbrew.

2010-04-27T12:01:00.001-04:00

Kansas City, MO — A new microbrew is coming to the popular Boulevard Brewing Company on Southwest Boulevard.

Charlieweis — a heavy stout made with local wheat, barley, hog lard, and Donut King doughnuts — is being brewed to ‘honor’ new Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator and former Notre Dame head coach, Charlie Weis.

“It’s an extremely heavy beer, bottom-fermented, with a dark, cloudy appearance, and an incredibly large head.” described Boulevard Brewmaster Cliff Tipton.

Tipton then added: “and if you’re a Notre Dame fan, it leaves a horrible, bitter aftertaste in your mouth.”

Charlieweis will cost more than the average craft beer, emptying wallets at $150 for a 42 ounce bottle.

“If anyone is not satisfied with Charlieweis after drinking at least 21 of the 42 ounces, we offer a buyout option of $95.”

“It tastes like failure, and I’m sure it will go straight to my gunt.” said Boulevard regular Tommy Boyden, patting the engorged area in between his stomach and crotch.

Boulevard plans to keep Charlieweis on tap for the next 3 years or until it completely disappoints everyone.

Area man has come to Jesus meeting with Jesus.

2010-04-23T11:35:00.000-04:00

Columbus, OH - The last person Ronald Stephens wanted to see on a busy, meeting-filled Monday afternoon was Jesus Christ, but that’s presumably what happened moments after he suffered a massive coronary reading over the quarterly earnings reports on the shitter.

Coworkers learned of the tragic new job opening via intercom.

“My friends, if it smells like someone died in the second floor men’s room it’s because, well, someone did.” Company president Millard Stonebraker announced. “I’m sorry to report, Ronald Stephens is no longer with the company ... I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that our company softball team takes on those bastards at Miller Paper tonight at 6:30 at Hilltop Metro Park. See you there. And have a great day."

Funeral arrangements for Stephens have yet to be finalized.

Wonder Years go on in actor's basement.

2010-04-20T23:14:00.001-04:00

Encino, CA — (AP) For actor Daniel Stern, the life lessons for young Kevin Arnold didn't end when the hit show The Wonder Years was cancelled in 1993. The show still goes on, albeit only in his vivid imagination.

For the past 13 years, Stern has retreated to the basement of his Encino home once a week to narrate his own versions of Kevin Arnold's continuing life.

Even though there's no more footage of the show available, Stern uses publicity photos of Fred Savage, Olivia D'Abo, Jason Hervey, Dan Lauria, and the rest of the Wonder Years cast as inspiration for the new personal tales. Stern spends about 2 hours 'prep time' to get his narration set up, and records each 'story' on tape for posterity.

"I use this old reel-to-reel tape recorder I bought at a Reseda garage sale back in '89." Stern elaborated. "It really gives me the nostalgic emotion I need to keep on narrating. Just one look at this old-timer, and well, I'm back at 516 University Avenue in Burbank." A small tear glistened at the edge of his eye.

"It's funny, because, now it's like 1989, Kevin's 31, and he's dating again. The whole marriage-to-a-porn-star isn't what it's cracked up to be. I suppose in some way, he still pines for Winnie Cooper, even though she's a lesbian who has crazy-bondage sex with Russian mail-order brides. And he's still a Jets fan living in LA, which doesn't make any sense. But I kept that. For continuity. "

Stern described 2001's killing off of older brother Wayne as one of his favorite 'episodes'. "It was like sweet, sweet revenge for Kevin." Wayne Arnold, who went on to become a pedophile serial rapist in Stern's robust imagination, was brutally murdered by one of his previous molestation victims. "The guy tortured him for, like, days on end. Bamboo in the urethra, stuff like that." Stern giggled enthusiastically.

Stern says he's not worried that his material might be considered "off-tone" for the nostalgic, homey bent of the ABC series. "So Paul Pfieffer is a horse-hung swinger now, so what? Like that couldn't happen if the show continued? I've taken this show in new directions that the suits at ABC wouldn't have dared! Dared!"

Stern, best known for his roles in high-profile comedies Home Alone and City Slickers, has had some more time on his hands lately, especially since his last project, Bachelor Party Vegas, went straight to video.

Stern said he hopes that perhaps his material could be utilized in a future Wonder Years reunion show.

"That would be boss."

And there it was.

Frito Lay announces new 'Gay Doritos' line.

2010-04-13T11:49:00.006-04:00

Plano, TX — Snacking is now more fabulous than ever.

Frito-Lay, a division of PepsiCo, has announced a new line of Doritos brand tortilla chips aimed directly at the growing gay snacking market.

"We've learned that hunger comes in all shapes, sizes and sexual orientations." said Frito-Lay spokesperson Claudia Rosales.

Companies looking to gain an edge in emerging markets would be ignorant not to design or market products specifically to the gayest Americans.

"The LGBT market comprises a large and influential group of customers across industry segments, across many countries around the globe. In the U.S. alone, the LGBT market is estimated to be worth $660 billion in disposable income." Rosales quoted, nearly verbatim from Wikipedia.

The new gay flavors hitting shelves include 'Qrispy Quiche', Late Night Dance Party, and something only referred to as 'Smooth.'

Rosales chuckled "we've altered the textural makeup of the chip to make it more palatable to the gay community."

The company also plans targeted marketing in gay communities across the globe, featuring gay-friendly personalities like Shakira, Christina Aguilera, and recent American Idol contestant Adam Lambert.

Rosales forsees a future where other Frito-Lay products are equally 'out.'

"Gay Lays are right around the corner."

New Italian eatery opens its ‘fucking awesome’ doors.

2010-04-08T13:08:00.008-04:00

Heath, OH — Heath’s newest dining option, Braggadocio’s, opened for business last week on East Locust Street in the downtown area.

It’s not a stretch to say owner Augie DelFratte is proud of his latest culinary excursion.

“You’re going to want make love to this menu.” DelFratte boasted. “Any other food you eat — is shit. Braggadocio’s is the most amazing fucking awesome eating place ever. And you can quote me on that.”

The only thing that seemed to elude DelFratte more than his lack of reverence for the English language, was any infinitesimal shred of humility.

As your reporter feigned interest, DelFratte prattled on and on about monster serving sizes, a wine list that would “make you want fuck the bottles clean” and marinara sauce that “treats your mouth like a flavor whore.”

Braggadocio’s is open for lunch, dinner and can host group parties of 10 or more in it’s “holy shit that’s an incredible” banquet room.

If you do go, you’ll have to try the veal … it’s “unfuckingbelievable.”

Minnesota Twins name Kyra Sedgwick new ‘Closer.’

2010-04-02T17:30:00.003-04:00

Minneapolis, MN — After losing Joe Nathan to a season-ending injury, the Minnesota Twins faced the 2010 season with a troubling challenge: Replacing the dominant force who saved 47 games a year ago.

After reviewing several options between major league free agents, non-roster invitees and their current crop of bullpen regulars, Twins management decided to pluck the plucky Sedgwick, 44, from her current role on the hit TNT series “The Closer” to fill Nathan’s sizeable cleats.

Gardenhire says: “She’s a top-notch investigator with unparalleled interrogation skills and a track record for closing nearly every case with a suspect’s confession. What else could we possibly want?”

Critics say that with no pitching experience whatsoever, Sedgwick is an awful choice for a team many pick to win the AL Central. Gardenhire sought to quiet those critics. “I don’t care if she’s five-foot-nothin. Frankly, she’s got a better breaking ball than most of the other turds in our bullpen.”

Gardenhire continued singing Sedgwick’s praises: “She’s the only one from that shitfest Singles to win an Emmy … And she can lay down a mean bunt.”

Sedgwick’s future teammates aren’t so sure she’ll fit in. “I’ve never had to share a clubhouse with a girl before.” said third baseman and official team virgin Nick Punto. “I hope I don’t get cooties.”

Police kill area man for fun.

2010-04-01T10:13:00.000-04:00

Heath, OH - April Fools!

Aw, man, we got you good.You were like, “The police killed a man for fun?! Those bastards! Honey, come look at this headline. Says the police killed an area man for fun. Can you believe it?”

And then we were all, “April Fools!” LOL.

Before that though your wife was like, “What? How is killing someone fun?” And then after a brief aside in which you explained how killing people can be kind of fun, especially when they're homeless people, you noticed the first line said "April Fools!"

Hey, that’s just what happens on April Fools day, sucker. Sorry you're so gullible.

Anyway, thank you so much for continuing to read our Pulitzer-Prize winning, twice-weekly online rag.

April Fools!

We don’t care if you read it or not.

2010-03-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Ann Slanders: Is this Justin Beiber kid a eunuch or does he just sing like one?
— Ron in Granville

Dear Mo-Ron: Having listened to Beiber's debut masterpiece My World approximately 37,229 times, I have discerned that Beiber is most likely an asexual angel sent from heaven to deliver heathens like you the good news of radio-friendly pop. Thusly, he has no genitalia, as that bodily matter was used to form his supernatural vocal folds. Unfortunately, he cops to being "Canadian", which compels me to hate him (and Anne Murray) with the fury of a thousand white-hot suns. And now I hate you too, for asking such a stupid question.

Dear Ann Slanders: Have you seen The Marriage Ref? Isn't it funny and awesome?
– Seinfeld Rules in Delaware

Dear Whats-the-deal-with-your-idiotic-question: I cannot fathom for the life of me why Jerry Seinfeld is free and clear to salt the Earth with his "funny observations", while Mitch Hedberg fertilizes the soil beneath him. Apparently, justice has no sense of humor. Oh, and neither does Jerry Seinfeld. Next!

Have a question for Ann? E-mail her at askannslanders@theheathledger.com. Please include your name, city, and lawyer's phone number for future reference.

Local man gives up Lent for Lent.

2010-03-25T11:56:00.002-04:00

Heath, OH — Chet Ferguson has always considered himself one of God's children. The longtime parishoner at St. Leonard Catholic Church is a devout and pious man who lives his faith on a daily basis.

But recently, Ferguson began to have doubts about his traditional Lenten fast plans.

"My dedication to our Lord Jesus Christ has never wavered. Honestly, I've done all the variations on fasting I can imagine, from meatless Fridays to the John the Baptist diet, in which I existed for forty days on nothing but bread, water, juices, honey, and nuts. I've been taking the proverbial journey into the wilderness for 55 years now, and frankly, I'm looking for a new way to serve my God."

Ferguson found the accustomed end-of-week tomato soup and toasted cheese sandwich lunch he'd eaten for many years during the fast no longer spiritually filling.

"I look so forward to Lent each year, that I found that it was something, that, if I was truly following in the footsteps of my Lord Savior, I would deprive myself of, in true imitation of Jesus."

Ferguson said he would abstain from anything Lent-related for the days leading up to Good Friday. "I'm not even going to Mass, that's how committed I am to the apostolic faith."

When asked what he might be doing this coming Friday, Ferguson mentioned "hitting some all-you-can-eat prime rib joints and maybe an Arby's. Then, to the Shady Lady for some drinks and a lap dance or two."

2010-03-23T13:48:00.000-04:00

Earthlings! Hello. It’s me, the Larry King 3000. I am here … in the future! The future. The future. The future. Echoooooo! Echooooo Echooooo … And the future … the future … the future … is now! Now … Now … Now ... I just got back from Austin, where, after being tossed into the belly of a 737 by baggage mishandlers, I arrived at SXSW in time to host a panel entitled, “What we learned from watching middle-aged men spray-paint their bald spots.” In summary, we didn’t learn much … I’d like to thank whoever stole me from the convention center and left me on the bar at Coyote Ugly. All those body shots got me good and hard drive! Zinger! ... Ugly hard drives will give you a floppy disc. I've got one with Shawn’s name on it. Zinger! ... I’m in need of some routine maintenance, if you know what I mean … Zinger! So ... until next time … this is the Larry King 3000.

Area man just likes how Aqua Velva tastes, that's all.

2010-03-18T10:28:00.000-04:00

Marion, OH - James Shepherd, 52, smells like a man. He also smells like a man who's been drinking what smells like a man.

"Why, yes, I drink Aqua Velva." Shepherd admits. "But it's got the name 'Aqua' right on it, see, which basically means water ... It's really quite refreshing! And like 50 percent of it is alcohol so it kills germs and stuff on contact."

Combe Incorporated of White Plains, NY, the makers of Aqua Velva, strongly suggest one not drink its product. Instead they encourage you to enjoy the 'cooling, fresh-feeling of the classic re-born American fragrance' on the outside. Ingesting it, they say, can cause the formation of crystals in the kidney that could kill you over time.

"There's simply no way I can stop drinking it. It's too darn delicious." Shepherd said, waving his arms and smelling like some kind of French whorehouse sailor. "I looked long and hard for a Witch Hazel substitute, doshgarnit! You're gonna have to pry this icy blue bottle from my cold, dead, awesome-smelling fingers!"

Opinions from friends and colleagues differ on how drinking after shave affects Shepherd in life and on the job, but they all come to consensus on one point: there's just something about that man.

Local fake news publishers begin real hiatus.

2010-03-11T07:00:00.001-05:00

Heath, OH - The publishers of The Heath Ledger have convinced their real-world employers to send them to mix and mingle with other interactive and film geeks at the SXSW Festival in Austin, Texas—totally on the company dime.

“Suckers! I can’t believe they fell for it.” One said on condition of anonymity. “Hook. Line. Sinker.”

“Eric,” the other said. “That’s not nice. These are the people who put food on our tables. They must see some kind of value in us presenting our finding to the larger group when we return.”

“Parrrrr-tayyy!” The other replied, pumping his fist like a Jersey Shore cast member. “We are going to destroy that town!”

“Do you have the camera? We’re supposed to film this.”

“Where’s my screenplay? Tarantino’s going to be there. He has to see it.”

The publishers weren’t able to convince the powers that be they needed to stay for the music part of the festival so The Ledger will return March 18th.

Area midget keeps low profile.

2010-03-09T10:26:00.007-05:00

Chillicothe, OH - After leaving the scene of an accident that left two people dead, area midget Thomas “Squeaky” Fromme, 42, is now hiding out in the apartment over his parents’ garage.

“I am not!” Fromme denied, when reached by telephone. “I’m … I’m on vacation. Yeah. That’s right. I’m out of the country on business and … I don’t even know when I’ll be back. Besides, what’s this ‘hit and run’ you speak of? I haven’t the slightest clue what you’re taking about. I don’t even have a car. I drove it into a lake last night-I mean I sold it to a guy by the lake last year.”

When we wondered aloud how we could reach Fromme out of the country by dialing the number listed for the apartment over his parents’ garage, he replied, “Um …” before abruptly hanging up.

Local comedian’s wife “just doesn’t get it.”

2010-03-02T10:43:00.000-05:00

Columbus, OH - After months of polishing his seven-minute stand-up routine, Jason Stowe’s wife doesn’t get any of it - particularly the part about him thinking he could actually survive a stint in prison based on the size of the shit he just took.

Stowe performed his set for his wife on their backyard patio at around 7:00 pm, which just so happened to be the time real-live crickets are most active.

“Tough crowd.” Stowe said, giving his wife an icy stare. “Ma’am, are you just going to sit there all night with your arms crossed? … Hello! This thing on?”

Later that evening, Stowe took time to patiently explain the premise behind each of his jokes and elucidate the universal truths he'd touched upon.

“Oh, I get it now.” His wife said at one point. “I think.”

Be sure to catch the ~~always~~ sometimes funny Jason Stowe this weekend at the Banana’s Comedy Club!

2010-02-26T09:19:00.003-05:00

Hello, caller! It's me again, the Larry King 3000. Please excuse any fatal errors, as I'm having motherboard issues. ... Speaking of motherboards, how about that Flying Tomato, Shawn Applewhite? He really knows how to abuse the half-pipe like my good friend Tom Sizemore ... Item! I've witnessed the Avatar ... the last time I saw that many ten-foot tall blue natives I woke up in a pool of my own urine ... and that was just last Wednesday folks! ... Hey ... Who says Toyotas aren't safe? Not this CPU! ... My Shawn wishes I had a stuck accelerator, if you know what I mean ... what a minute, what do I mean? Anywho ... Carlos Irwin Estevez ... back in rehab ... hopefully Two and a Half Foot Men will survive ... I don't know about you, but I love the dwarf humor! Here's a quick tip I tell my Shawn every night ... don't forget to log off! Until next time ... this is the Larry King 3000.

Area woman has forefather issues.

2010-02-25T09:00:00.005-05:00

Heath, OH - Susan Thompson, 52, is not the same woman she was before she left for her two-week "singles" vacation in London, England, according to friends.

She's kind of creeping us out with the stupid accent she's adopted." One said. "Then yesterday she asked me what I thought of guys in powdered wigs and pony tails ... I was like, WHAT?!"

Thompson's vacation was an annual tour organized by the Heath Historical Society and featured an itinerary filled with a variety of walking tours and historical reenactments.

"I have lived, sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth." Thompson said, we hope to God quoting someone. "God governs in the affairs of men, and if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it possible an empire can rise without His aid?"

She then pulled a scroll and feather quill from her waistcoat, scratched something down, curtsied and said, "Good day, sire."

Backrub going nowhere.

2010-02-23T16:43:00.002-05:00

Heath, OH — Unfortunately for local lothario Tom Wilkens, a planned night of coital bliss doesn't appear to be in cards.

Wilkens, full-time trade school administrator, and part-time masseuse, is using his patented 'midnight massage' to entice his girlfriend of 11 months, Joy Blattner into a session of long-overdue sexual intercourse.

Blattner appears to be tired and uninterested, but Wilkens presses on — kneading her shoulder and neck muscles with his thumbs and fingers.

Wilkens focuses intently on the area between her shoulder blades. The ploy results in a satisfied groan from Blattner who then rolls slightly to her side. Emboldened, Wilkens continues down the spine to the lower back and buttocks.

Blattner rolls even farther onto her side, nullifying Wilkens attempt at a stimulating ass rub. Wilkens then tries a patented reach-around to the stomach and chest region. Sensing trouble, Blattner blocks his groping hand with her elbow, pulls her pillow close under her chin and offers a curt "goodnight."

Apparently, she's not into it. Sorry, Tom. Better luck next time.

Unorthodox Jew lowers interest rates.

2010-02-18T13:53:00.000-05:00

Columbus, OH - Moishe Rosen, 57, owner of Shylock Finance, has lowered the rate of interest on all outstanding loans from a near-usurous 20.9 percent to 6.9 percent, effective immediately.

Area customers can't believe it.

"I can't believe it!" One said.

When we asked Rosen what's gotten into him, he answered in more orthodox fashion, with a question of his own.

"What's gotten into me?"

Rosen's mother, whom he surprisingly doesn't even talk to everyday, said Moishe simply decided he doesn't need a pound of flesh from every one of his customers.

"Times are tough ... though I've had them tougher." She said, pointing to a vaguely readable set of numbers tattooed on her forearm.

"People think they know Moishe." A close friend from the Country Club added. "They'd be shocked to discover he's a pretty darned good athlete, especially on the racquetball court ... I think they'd also be surprised by his tiny nose."

Friend "with benefits" now offering 401k.

2010-02-16T10:30:00.001-05:00

Columbus, OH - The years have not been kind to Janice Koslowski, 35, and her across-the-hall neighbor for the last eight or so years, Jose Santiago, has obviously taken notice.

"Jose doesn't stop by at 1:30 in the morning on Fridays and Saturdays like he used to." Koslowski said through tears and a ham sandwich. "It's like he's purposefully trying to ignore me."

Koslowski though, has a plan. With a sizable 401k balance, she plans on listing Santiago as her primary beneficiary. In the event of her death, he would receive every red cent.

"My parents are dead and I don't have any kids, so ..."

We cornered Santiago outside the apartment complex after he tied a few sheets together and lowered himself from a 3rd story window to avoid being seen - presumably by Koslowski.

"Shit, man." He said. "I may have had sex with her a few times, man, but I drink A LOT. I have to ... you've seen her."

When we told the unemployed Santiago about the 401k benefits for his continued companionship, his demeanor quickly changed.

"Does that mean if she dies in, say, an accident or something I get the money?" He asked before going on to incriminate himself. "I have a friend who packs chutes down at the airfield. I wonder if Janice likes skydiving."

Santiago reached for his cell before sauntering away.

"Hey, Janice!" He said. "How you doin, baby girl?"

Area father speaks about the dangers of Roundhouse Kick Baby-Syndrome.

2010-02-09T11:58:00.007-05:00

Heath, OH - An area father was released from prison last month after spending nearly two years behind bars for roundhouse kicking his now semi-retarded 28-month-old son in a colic-induced fit of rage.

As part of his release, David Brown, 27, is required to serve 1000 hours community service speaking out on the dangers of Roundhouse Kick Baby-Syndrome.

“I was lucky.” Brown said in front of a mostly disinterested high school auditorium. “My son flew across the room, bounced off the wall, hit his head on a table and landed in a soft beanbag chair. He’s not blind or anything, just a little mute and stuff. So it could have been much, much worse.”

For the most part, his message seemed to get through to the assembled juniors and seniors bussed in from high schools all across town.

“I hate kids, so I’d probably definitely roundhouse one if I couldn’t get it to stop crying.” One student said. “I’m going to wear two condoms from now on just to be safe.”

“Why the hell was he holding a guitar?” Another asked.

One student completely missed the message. “I roundhoused a cat one time.” He admitted. “Never thought about doing it to a kid or nothing. I might try it on my niece. She’s such a crybaby.”

Area comedian breaks new ground as 'Insultant.'

2010-02-04T21:54:00.004-05:00

Columbus, OH — Ellis Dupree prides himself as an artist. The stand-up comedian believes he has mastered the "art of the put-down." Now, he says, he has the perfect canvas upon which to showcase his talents.

Tired of life on the road, and the uncertainty of his future, Dupree stumbled upon an idea that could provide employment opportunities for comedians and mean bastards nationwide — he opened the nation's first 'Insultancy. '

The Rickles Agency, named after famed put-down artist Don Rickles, works like a traditional consultancy, but rather than offering businesses marketing or financial advice, the 'insultants' offer cutting put-downs, slams, and snarky repartee to anyone with a passive-aggressive nature and a wallet.

A mere $5,000 provides a client with 5 to 8 minutes of 'devastating material.' Prior to delivery, customers fill out a detailed survey which provides the case Insultant with a wide range of information about the 'target.' The insultant then compiles a list of potential put-downs, categorized by length and shock value.

Dupree's first job is brainstorming some ideas for Worthington Industries' corporate roast of Vice President of Human Resources, Dan Twibell.

Twibell, who thinks he's just being treated to 'dinner' at Eddie Merlot's this Saturday night, is one ripe for good-natured ribbing. Twibell, 38, tips the scales at 363 pounds and looks as if his body is immune to Vitamin D. Those characteristics alone gave Dupree a staggering amount of material for the roast.

Upon seeing the words "the roast" in this article, Twibell licked his lips and muttered "mmmmmm."

Some of Dupree's suggested "comments" for those on hand to roast Twibell:

Hey Dan, here's a hint: Prime Rib? Not an appetizer.
It's nice to see Dan grow metaphysically instead of just physically, for once.
Dan's so white, David Duke has a shrine to Dan Twibell in his bedroom.
Dan works nights and weekends at the drive-in theater. As the screen.
Even Dan's muffin top has a muffin top.
I didn't realize they made human-sized marshmallow peeps.
Dan's gut has more rolls than Charo playing a rousing game of Red Rover, Red Rover with Robert Reich and Ryan Reynolds.
Dan's house is really nice. It's got a gourmet kitchen, a cafeteria, and a smorgasbord.
Dan's skin has more folds than a celebrity poker tournament.