Thursday, May 9

Kroger to add dance floor between bananas and Wine Bar.

WESTERVILLE, OHIO - The Wine Bar at the Kroger on Maxtown Road is the new middle-age pick-up paradise. The party starts rocking at 4 in the afternoon Friday and Saturday “nights.”

“I spent a couple hours there Friday afternoon. 
Got a couple numbers too.” 58-year old bachelor Bob Abrams said, unfolding a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. “Let’s see here … Jenny, 867-5309, and Oprah at 1-877-CARS4KIDS … Damn it.”

Studio 54 and over.
The hangout has been so popular, the store is in the process of removing some precious produce space to add a small dance floor.

“Soon you’ll be able to work up some courage and then ask a potentially special someone to dance. After that, who knows?” A store manager said. “We’re thinking of hanging some condoms by the zucchini.”

An undercover Ledger investigation found people talking, laughing, even making out in the corner as early as 4:45pm.

“I came in for the salad bar.” One disgusted 20-something shopper said. “But if that’s what the future holds, could you point me toward the rat poison aisle?”

Tuesday, May 7

Voice of Jesus tells Mount Vernon man to "be nice" "do good works"

MOUNT VERNON, OH — Thomas Whittaker isn't what you call a pious man. He has found himself, however, as an unlikely conduit for the voice of God.

"I think the word you're looking for is agnostic." He told the Ledger.

Whittaker was in his garage working on his prized 1985 Mercury Topaz when he heard a strange-but-soothing voice in his head that told him to "do good deeds" and to "do unto others as you would have them do to you."

The sun of God.
Whittaker recognized some of that language from a decades-old fleeting association with The Mount Vernon First Presbyterian Sunday School, but he was still unsure of who was speaking to him.

After a few incorrect guesses, the voice finally said, "Jesus Christ, you idiot, it's Jesus Christ!"

Then, Whittaker said, the voice began to instruct him on how to be a better person, which he found odd.

"The voice of Jesus usually tells people to eat babies or drive their car off a cliff or harass hobos. It was really weird that he was telling me to just be a good person."

Last week in Corpus Christi, Texas, a woman claimed the voice of Jesus told her to drown her canary, which she unfortunately did. In 2017, an Indiana man asserted that Christ instructed him to marry a wolf and move to Outer Mongolia. A recent update found that he was still "looking for an attractive but available wolf."

The atypical directions led Whittaker to believe that he was crazy. Or that quite, possibly, he was communicating with a false God.

This Doubting Tom even went so far as to ask the voice "why me?"

"He got kind of huffy and took his dad's name in vain, which was wild. Then he said something like 'I'm on the w's,' like he has a big list like Santa or something. Which makes sense ... they're like both, imaginary people who only show up once a year."

Whittaker was then immediately struck with a bolt of lightning.

Thanks to wearing both an earring and a toe ring, he is expected to fully recover.

Thursday, May 2

Women still refuse to believe they will fit in picture.

EVERYWHERE, WORLD – An impromptu photo session of old college friends after dinner revealed that women on the edges of the assembled group still refuse to believe they will fit in the picture. Indeed, even women in the middle bent at the knees to ensure they would remain in frame.

“Why are you bending over like that?” The stranger charged with snapping the picture said. “Stop that. Stand up! Can you hear me? Ok then. Fuck it … Say, Cheese!”

The photo in question, taken with the wide-angle prowess of the 12-megapixel iPhone XR, demonstrated in rich 4k-detail that everyone in the picture would have easily been able to stand naturally. Still, next time, these women—and women everywhere—will try to squeeze in by bending at the knees.

Tuesday, April 30

Seeds of cornrows planted by Hall of Famer Allen Iverson

CANAL WINCHESTER, OHIO - Local Caucasian, Charley Donovan, Chuck D to friends and others who make fun of him, never dreamed he’d rock the cornrows.

“I was watching a replay of a 2008 NBA game on ESPN Classic.” Donovan explained. “Saw how bad they looked on Allen Iverson and thought, man, that would totally take the focus away from my face!”
Self-deprecation aside, Donovan is perhaps the ugliest motherfucker you have ever seen. Sort of a cross between Richard Kiel, Clint Howard and end-stage Marlon Brando.

“I’m probably more of a ponytail guy, to be honest. Maybe a man-bun or something … but hey, at least I have hair.” Donovan said, unaware of the fast-growing tumors in his cancer-riddled colon that 6 weeks hence will require emergency surgery, chemotherapy, a colostomy bag, and wig.

“Life’s too short for just one hairstyle,” Donovan said, running a finger through a cornrow and flashing a meth-mouthed grin.