Friday, May 22

Hey’all, longtime NASCAR driver Kyle Petty here. I’m here to talk about this Covid-19 lockdown business. I don’t know if you’ve ever been locked down before, but I can tell you from experience, thanks to a certain older sibling, it’s not a lot of fun. I’ve been forced to socially distance myself at least two laps down on some occasions. 

I know a lot of you good people have been furloughed or laid off. It’s not fun not working — and I should know. I basically had my career quarantined by a guy who makes Gretchen Whitmer look like a Fellow from the Mises Institute.  Tyranny comes in all shapes, sizes, and mustaches. And you wonder why some guys end up with a nickname like “King.”  I’m a citizen, not a subject! 

You try bein’ under house arrest in Level Cross, North Carolina. There’s only so many times you can take out from Hardee’s. I’ve had everything on the menu … twice! My cholesterol is probably redlining on the backstretch of the speedway of my arteries, to wax pathetic.

Wise Janis Joplin said “Freedom is just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” Well heck y’all, I had to lose a lot so a certain overbearing relative could put more feathers in his ridiculous cowboy hat.  Now the only thing I have left to lose is this prodigious coiffure. I ain’t had a haircut in over 2 months and I’m starting to look like Crystal Gayle on Pop Goes the Country!

Now, I’ll tell you a one-size-fits-all approach ain’t the right idea for the whole dang country, just like it ain’t the right idea for a racing team. Heck, in Level Cross, our idea of public transit is hitchin’ a ride with the Mayor.  So I say it’s time to let the people make their own choices and decide for themselves. Thanks to a certain motherbrother, it’s a real foreign concept around here! 

Well, that’s all for now. Stay safe and keep drivin’ y’all!

Tuesday, May 5

The Department of Pulling-Numbers-Out-of-Your-Ass thrives during pandemic.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While Coronavirus-related lockdowns and quarantines have quashed business activity across the nation, there's one place where the 'new normal' is busier than ever.

The oft-used but little mentioned U.S. Department of Pulling-Numbers-Out-of-Your-Ass (USDPNOYA) is bustling. Normally used for government accounting, the group has now been shifted to help epidemiologists estimate Coronavirus caseloads and death rates.

"We've been working around-the-clock coming up with new numbers, just to make people feel better, or to scare the hell out of them." admitted Department head Walt Underwood."It depends on the day, really."

When asked why this type of work was not being done remotely, Underwood explained: "These fingers aren't going to count themselves!"

After indeed counting a co-worker's fingers (and thumbs), Underwood opened a blank Microsoft Excel spreadsheet titled "Covid-19 Stuff" and began typing random numbers into cells.

"By our calculations, I think we'll see about 600,000 new cases per day, give or take 450,000."

Monday, March 2

Ledger Up-to-the-Minute

Man calls in sick to doctor's appointment.

The forty-eight-year-old white man in Wu-Tang t-shirt for some reason.

Morbidly obese nurse practitioner takes Hypocritic oath.

Sunday, February 23

Neighbors still celebrating Lazy Orthodox Christmas

NEWARK, OH — According to a certain rodent from Pennsylvania, spring is just around the corner. The calendar is in the waning days of February. Saint Patrick's Day is on the horizon.  But none of those facts have deterred the Jennings family at 842 Oak Court from celebrating the little-known Lazy Orthodox Christmas.

Most Orthodox Christmas celebrations often begin and end within the first week of January, several days after the more common traditional Christmas. However, Lazy Orthodox—a splinter group of Eastern Orthodox Christians—rather than celebrate a week or two after December 25, tend to continue celebrating well into the third month of the new year.

For followers of this obscure faith, their trees may remain up, and outside decorations may still prevail long after the last winter snow, or the first buds on trees emerge.

For the Jennings, those still-prevalent ornaments and long-since-fallen-over grapevine deer are a testament to their unyielding faith. To others, most notably their immediate neighbors, it's an eyesore.

"I don't think it's real. I think it's crap. They just are too busy sitting around on their fat asses to take down their lights." shrugged next-door neighbor Nan Wheatley.

The Jennings take offense at those who don't believe that they believe.

"Baby Jesus wasn't even born in December.  Shepherds don't keep their flocks in the fields in December. He most likely was born in the summer or fall. You can tell Nosy Nanny Wheatley that Yukon Cornelius blow-up will be gracing her front-porch view until Labor Day!"

Monday, January 27

"Beyond Human" - a new plant-based option for compassionate cannibals

NEW YORK, NY - A new, plant-based human flesh substitute is getting thumbs up in cannibal communities around the world — from remote man-eating tribes in the jungles of Africa to back rooms of certain Chinese restaurants along New York's Lower East Side.
"Beyond Human" is a pea-based plant protein, with a blend of assorted proprietary ingredients, that tastes like actual human flesh. It's designed for cannibals with a conscience, those who love that rich, meaty human taste but deplore the way human beings have been treated, like, by serial killers and bad parents. 
"Look, I still enjoy eating people." One anonymous cannibal said. "I just don't like how people have been raised, locked in mental cages, or on the couch in front of the television. I will admit though, a sedentary lifestyle can create a wonderful marbling effect."
"I like my human flesh raw or frozen, like you'd enjoy as one of few survivors of a plane crash high in the Andes." Another cannibal said.
Such cannibals will have to wait. “Beyond Human” is only found in Caucasian flavor on the black test market.