Friday, August 30

Local man downloads wrong fitness app.

LEWIS CENTER (OH) — Now in his middle years, Lewis Center man Gary Sullivan has put on a few too many pounds.

"I wanted to lose weight but felt like I couldn't go it alone."

A gym membership seemed out of the question for a busy father trying to make college tuition a reality for his three daughters.

His wife pointed him in the direction of a myriad of fitness applications for his smartphone. She suggested Under Armour's go-to calorie and exercise tracker My Fitness Pal, which has been downloaded by over 40 million people.
Man in the striped pajamas.

However, Sullivan had mistakenly downloaded the much less popular "My Fitness Nazi"

"I get 12 calories a day, and for some reason, the weekly exercise task is building a railroad in a cave with my bare hands. I don't know how much more I can take."

To the app's credit, Sullivan has lost an astonishing 56 pounds in 17 days.

"I wanted to get my abs back. But guess what? I also have ribs and cheekbones now."

Tuesday, August 20

Cuomo: "Don't you dare compare our family to The Godfather or Sopranos. Or I'll have you whacked."

ALBANY, NY - New York Governor Andrew Cuomo issued a stern rebuke to those who have compared his family to famous Italian mafia families from popular culture. Cuomo's father, Mario, was the former three-term Governor of New York, and his brother, Chris, is an anchor on CNN.  The family is no stranger to unfounded Italian stereotypes.

The Governor in his office in Albany.
"Don't you dare compare us to them. It's not fair. You do that, and you might find yourself at the bottom of one of our fabulous Finger Lakes."

The Governor's comments come after his younger brother Chris, was confronted by a man who called him "Fredo", after the character of Fredo Corleone, from the Mario Puzo novel The Godfather. In the novel, Fredo is seen as the weaker sibling with low intellect and a feeble will who, rather than follow in his family's political footsteps, chases a career in the news media, reading teleprompters and displaying a stunning lack of curiosity for a third-rate news network only watched by those held hostage at airport terminals.

"We reject Italian stereotypes," Cuomo added, flailing his hands about wildly. "Anyone who thinks they can come up in here, to my family, to the family, and cast aspersions on our heritage have another thing coming. And that other thing is most likely an unfortunate auto accident at Watkins Glen or getting-too-close-to-the-railing from the majestic viewing platform at Ithaca's enchanting Rainbow Falls. I love New York! And you can too, provided you don't cross the Cuomo Nostra."

Monday, August 19

People expect more from Art Installacion

WESTERVILLE, OH - Arthur J Installacion, 43, has trouble living up to expectations. Some would say he brings it on himself. 
"Please, call me Art." 
Co-workers gather outside his cube, stare, and then say things like, "It's not doing anything for me." Or, "I think it's a statement on the relative lack of power we all have in vaguely latino but also maybe white, male, corporate America." 
"This isn't art." 
"I am Art!" 
"All I see is a middle-aged latin-American guy in ill-fitting clothing." A woman from accounting said. "Is it meant to represent the people at the border stuffed in cages? I think it's left to interpretation, like all good art." 

Art Installacion will be on display at the corporate offices of Chase until roughly 5pm this evening.  

Monday, July 29

The ball on this guy.

COLUMBUS, OHIO - You wouldn't know it by the way he carries himself, with testosterone on his sleeve, but Mike Campbell has but one testicle, the other lost to cancer. 
"They call me Juan Pelota." Mike points out with a giggle. "Get it? Pelota is "ball" in Spanish and I have but 'Juan.'"
Yeah. We got it. 
"But it's a really big Juan!" Mike continued. 
"Seriously, dude. It's huge ... Like a football. With the scar it's even got laces." 
"He may have one nut," a female coworker was quick to point out, "but he's a complete and total dick. It's like he's never looked in a mirror before. No idea where the confidence comes from." 
"You'd think he has 3 testicles the way he struts around." An underling reported. "He really puts the "cock" in cock of the walk."
"What can I say?" Campbell says. "While I'm half the man I used to be, I'm still twice the man you are!" 

The ball on this guy. 

Friday, July 12

According to poorly written condolence, heaven has gained a new "angle."

HEATH, OH - In an effort to put the extent of his grief into words and comfort the family of recently deceased Heath woman Charlotte Russell, 29, a local man summoned all the powers of his high school diploma to put into words precisely what this loss meant to him. In an online guest book, Kurt Simmons, 30, of Heath wrote that "Heaven had done gained a new angle this week." 

Without a character count-limit the condolence rambled on. 

"Me and Charlotte were kind a thing back in the day. She may have mentioned me. Such a sweet ass. Sorry for your loss. She was an absolut (sic) champ in the sack. We're all put on this earth for a reason. i think that was hers. I hope you take some comfit (sic) in that. Thank you.

"The internet is kind of new territory for us," a spokesman for Graves' Funeral Home said. "We didn't have the foresight to include a 'delete' option for our online condolences. Mr. Simmons's words will echo in the afterlife forever, we're afraid. We're terribly sorry." 

It's not all bad news however. Charlotte's grandmother has glaucoma and will soon be completely blind or worse. She'll never read a single word of it.

Our condolences to the Russell family. We wish we had known Charlotte personally back in high school. 

Thursday, June 27

Meteorologist bemoans lack of diversity in storm naming.

BALTIMORE, MD  —  Meteorologist Garland Willis is taking issue with how tropical storms and hurricanes are named and the long-time WJZ-TV 13 weatherman is calling out the lack of diversity in those names.

"Hugo? Irene? What is this, 1935? I'm sorry, but those names speak to an outdated and frankly bigoted classification system."

Willis, who is African-American, believes that the long-standing practice of giving storms rising out of the Atlantic and Pacific human names needs to change its colors.

"Believe me, I know how much damage a Lakeesha can do!" said the weather specialist, presumably speaking from personal experience. "Bitch had me drowning in debt!" 

Irma? Irma make some changes up in here!
Are names like DeAndre or LeCharles not worthy of a storm because of their historical blackness? This natural disaster segregation must end! 

Willis is planning an upcoming protest outside the headquarters of the WMO, or World Meteorological Organisation, who controls the storm naming methodology.  He disputes their claim that the system in place has become more inclusive over time. When shown a selection of names for 2019 that includes Chantal, Tico, Sebastien and Nestor, Willis just rolled his eyes.

"Please. Nestor? You get your ass kicked in Orangeville with a name like Nestor. And let's face it — you aren't flooding shit if your name is Sebastien."