Thursday, November 14

Middle-aged man drops antacid.

COLUMBUS, OH - Keith Bullock, 55, of Westerville, took a trip back in time recently, courtesy of long-time Led Zeppelin tribute band Zoso.

"It was totally awesome." Bullock summarized. "I could've sworn it was Robert Plant up there ... Then again, my vision is going. Could've been David Spade."

Just before the show, Bullock surreptitiously removed a small plastic bag he had tucked into his boxer briefs to get past security.

"Zantac." He said to an all-too-close urinal mate, before tossing his head back and swallowing them like the seasoned reflux sufferer he is.

Bullock explained he could afford to take no chances after consuming a giant slice of pepperoni pizza and 2 overpriced beers.

"I can't have the levee of my esophageal sphincter break in the middle of the night and disrupt my beauty sleep, now can I?" Bullock asked, pointing to a face that could certainly use some sleep. "I gotta work tomorrow." 

Thursday, October 17

Barrier reef without adjective may never be "Great."

PACIFIC OCEAN - A barrier reef in the Pacific Ocean is coming to terms with the fact that it may never be Great. 

"We've got one of those. Sorry" Oceanographers sent in a terse response to a petition received by the still just-ok barrier reef.

The reef submitted a cogent argument as to why it should take its rightful position at the top of the reef chain, listing "sheer size ... rather healthy coral system ... teeming with life ... and hardly polluted" as evidence of its greatness. 

Later in the application the reef was so bold as to call itself "The Rainforest of the Sea." 

"While we appreciate your application, and frankly marvel at your penmanship, we must decline your application at this time." the rejection letter continued. "Please reapply when the Great Barrier Reef is completely dead, which shouldn't be long now."

The reef without an adjective says it plans to reapply when global temperatures rise a bit more, bleaching more coral. 

The Great Barrier Reef could not be reached for comment as it is out for repairs. 

Thursday, October 10

Blues put Stanley Cup-kissing herpes outbreak behind them to start the season

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI - The defending NHL Champions are nearly back to full strength after a Stanley Cup-kissing herpes outbreak left the team nursing cold sores the entire summer and into the first week of the regular season. 

"We didn't understand the perils associated with sweet victory." Blues forward and series MVP Ryan O'Reilly said. "This was our first championship, so next time we'll know." 

There’s a reason that white-haired doofus who carries the Cup everywhere wears gloves when he touches the thing, and it's not simply to keep the Cup spotless. 

“I tea-bagged some champagne in that thing.” Cup-winning forward for the Washington Capitals, Alex Ovechkin said, “But I didn't use tea bags. I used my nuts! Get it?" Ovechkin said he'd give anything just to stroke it again. "The Cup, that is. Mostly."

Tradition has the Stanley Cup passed from player to player on the ice immediately after its been won, with each member of the winning team taking a twirl around the ice with the Cup held aloft. One player would give the Cup a kiss before passing it to the next guy who would plant one on it and so on. 

At some point, the guys all take a shower together and then a couple days later participate in a pride parade through the city. 

Each player also gets to spend an entire day with the cup listening to the white-haired doofus say things like, "You should probably wash your hands. I wouldn't do that if I were you! Be careful! Watch out! That's not a stripper pole!" And, of course, "You're going to catch a disease." 

Good luck to all the teams competing for a chance to hoist the Cup this year. 

Friday, September 27

"We have a hard enough time making people sick with lunch and dinner."

Chipotle CEO says no to breakfast at fast-food chain.

NEWPORT BEACH,CA — If you're hoping for a breakfast burrito from Mexican fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle, you'll have to wait quite a while.

"I wouldn't hold my breath. I mean, you'd die." said Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol. Niccol says that there are no plans for Chipotle to offer breakfast at their 2,500 locations anytime soon.

"We don't want dead customers. We just want sick ones."

The chain has pioneered ways to make people sick after eating their food since 1993.

"Our food scientists are hard at work right now devising cool new ways to get E.Coli and Listeria into your many Chipotle favorites. Even if you just order a Coke, you may end up convulsing in pain and well, shitting water for 72 straight hours." Niccol bragged.
"I came from Taco Bell, so I know all about how to make people sick via food."

Food marketing experts like Ryan Myers were at a loss to explain why the number one name in fast-casual food poisoning would not want to explore the rich breakfast landscape.

"I don't understand. You would think that undercooked eggs would be the best place to find a new source of E. Coli that would have your customers heaving all over the place. Frankly,  I'm surprised Jeni's Ice Creams doesn't offer breakfast cones."

Wednesday, September 25

Area fat-ass has literal chip on shoulder

LIMA, OHIO - BREAKING NEWS - A minute ago, Todd Simpson, 26, was spread out on the couch watching replays of Saturday's college football action and stuffing his face, as usual, when his roommate walked into the room. 
“You've got something on your shirt.” His roommate said. “Right there. Your shoulder. It's a chip. On your shoulder. My god, how perfect! Oh, dude. Did you just eat that? Who knows where that shoulder's been — I mean apart from holding the refrigerator door open so you can get more shit to jam into your pie-hole ... Look at the size of you. Good god, man. You’re a disgrace.” 
“I love you too.” Simpson said, never taking his eyes off the television. 

Friday, August 30

Local man downloads wrong fitness app.

LEWIS CENTER (OH) — Now in his middle years, Lewis Center man Gary Sullivan has put on a few too many pounds.

"I wanted to lose weight but felt like I couldn't go it alone."

A gym membership seemed out of the question for a busy father trying to make college tuition a reality for his three daughters.

His wife pointed him in the direction of a myriad of fitness applications for his smartphone. She suggested Under Armour's go-to calorie and exercise tracker My Fitness Pal, which has been downloaded by over 40 million people.
Man in the striped pajamas.

However, Sullivan had mistakenly downloaded the much less popular "My Fitness Nazi"

"I get 12 calories a day, and for some reason, the weekly exercise task is building a railroad in a cave with my bare hands. I don't know how much more I can take."

To the app's credit, Sullivan has lost an astonishing 56 pounds in 17 days.

"I wanted to get my abs back. But guess what? I also have ribs and cheekbones now."