Friday, July 12

According to poorly written condolence, heaven has gained a new "angle."

HEATH, OH - In an effort to put the extent of his grief into words and comfort the family of recently deceased Heath woman Charlotte Russell, 29, a local man summoned all the powers of his high school diploma to put into words precisely what this loss meant to him. In an online guest book, Kurt Simmons, 30, of Heath wrote that "Heaven had done gained a new angle this week." 

Without a character count-limit the condolence rambled on. 

"Me and Charlotte were kind a thing back in the day. She may have mentioned me. Such a sweet ass. Sorry for your loss. She was an absolut (sic) champ in the sack. We're all put on this earth for a reason. i think that was hers. I hope you take some comfit (sic) in that. Thank you.

"The internet is kind of new territory for us," a spokesman for Graves' Funeral Home said. "We didn't have the foresight to include a 'delete' option for our online condolences. Mr. Simmons's words will echo in the afterlife forever, we're afraid. We're terribly sorry." 

It's not all bad news however. Charlotte's grandmother has glaucoma and will soon be completely blind or worse. She'll never read a single word of it.

Our condolences to the Russell family. We wish we had known Charlotte personally back in high school. 

Thursday, June 27

Meteorologist bemoans lack of diversity in storm naming.

BALTIMORE, MD  —  Meteorologist Garland Willis is taking issue with how tropical storms and hurricanes are named and the long-time WJZ-TV 13 weatherman is calling out the lack of diversity in those names.

"Hugo? Irene? What is this, 1935? I'm sorry, but those names speak to an outdated and frankly bigoted classification system."

Willis, who is African-American, believes that the long-standing practice of giving storms rising out of the Atlantic and Pacific human names needs to change its colors.

"Believe me, I know how much damage a Lakeesha can do!" said the weather specialist, presumably speaking from personal experience. "Bitch had me drowning in debt!" 

Irma? Irma make some changes up in here!
Are names like DeAndre or LeCharles not worthy of a storm because of their historical blackness? This natural disaster segregation must end! 

Willis is planning an upcoming protest outside the headquarters of the WMO, or World Meteorological Organisation, who controls the storm naming methodology.  He disputes their claim that the system in place has become more inclusive over time. When shown a selection of names for 2019 that includes Chantal, Tico, Sebastien and Nestor, Willis just rolled his eyes.

"Please. Nestor? You get your ass kicked in Orangeville with a name like Nestor. And let's face it — you aren't flooding shit if your name is Sebastien." 

Tuesday, June 25

Ron Silver Name Removed From Campus Theater For ‘TimeCop’ Role

MIDDLEWICH, VT — Middlewich University has removed actor Ron Silver's name from a campus theater because of his part in the science-fiction film Timecop. Silver starred in the 1994 film opposite action hero star Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Students at Middlewich requested the change after learning that Silver played the film's heinous villain, McComb. McComb's character is a shady Senator who manipulates time travel for his own nefarious purposes, including running for President.

The 52-seat theater has been the site of several small film festivals and plays produced by the college's drama department. A new name for the venue will be chosen this fall.

If only Nald had played the hero.
Middlewich administrators claim that campus leaders have decided that Silver's connection to the film created a hostile environment for some students.  They also claimed that Silver never took the opportunity to distance himself from the film and that if time travel ever became possible, his role would serve as a "how-to" guide for oppressors to use time against the most marginalized among us.

The university held a brief press conference and allowed students the opportunity to speak.

"Just think of what a modern-day McComb could do with that technology!" screamed a generic student activist, conflating the pretend world of movies with reality.

"He also played Alan Derpowitz!" yelled a voice from beyond the podium.

A statement from the University said "Middlewich University has a responsibility to serve its students, faculty, and staff, and a mission to provide a wholly inclusive learning environment.  That mission clearly trumps our part in honoring a character-actor the caliber of Mr. Silver."

Monday, June 24

First “Motherf&$@er!” of the day goes to hard-boiled egg.

NEWARK, OHIO - Area hothead, Roman Hahn, 35, took his anger out on a difficult to peel hardboiled egg this morning, calling it a "Motherf&$@er!" before tossing it across the room in frustration, where it bounced off a wall and rolled to a stop in front of the family dog who immediately gobbled it up, shell particulate and all. 
"Jesus Christ!" Hahn added, cursing the sky. 
Mr. Hahn made the mistake of refrigerating the eggs overnight that he had boiled, rather than shocking them with an ice bath and peeling the lot of them right away. 
"I'm so angry right now I could scream." Hahn said right before screaming. 
Before firing the egg off the wall, Hahn spent "a good 6-7 minutes" hunched over the counter, managing only to coax bits and pieces of the shell away from its stubborn membrane. By the time he finally lost his cool, large chunks of the egg had been torn away as well, making what Hahn described as, "a goddamned mess and a complete and utter waste of time." 
"Fuck breakfast." Hahn added before heading out the door for a long, miserable day at work. 

If only Hahn had consulted

Wednesday, June 12

Man holding piece of chalk must be mathematician or something.

COLUMBUS, OHIO - A man on the bus was spotted holding a piece of chalk yesterday. Consensus among the crowd of remedial experts was that the man must've been some kind of mathematician. 
Mildred Johnson was convinced the man was on his way to a chalkboard somewhere to solve a very complicated problem, one far more difficult than Man + Chalk = X. 
"He's wearing chinos and running shoes." She said. "I mean what else could he be?"  
"I'll bet he was so wrapped up in his equations he forgot to put the chalk down before catching the bus." Jose Martinez offered. 
"You know what adds up?" Spoke another bus rider. "That you two are dip-shits." 
The truth would emerge at the next stop. The "mathematician" stepped off the bus and walked to the sidewalk. He put the chalk in his mouth, held a hand against the wind while raising a Bic lighter with the other. He fired the tip, drawing smoke deep into his lungs before exhaling a large plume. 
"I didn't know you could smoke chalk." Mildred Johnson thought as the bus pulled away. 
In the corner of her eye, a man at the back of the bus was fondling a hotdog, diverting her attention. 
"That man must be on his way to a barbecue." Jose posited. 

Thursday, May 30

Airplane gate crowded by selfish monkey-brained fucktards.

COLUMBUS, OH - Despite tickets indicating assigned seats in boarding groups 6 and 7, a group of assholes stood in front of gate A-35 causing confusion among passengers in earlier boarding groups and generally fucking up the works at John Glenn International today, and, let's face it, every day. 
"It makes a ton of sense when you consider the fact that these people ARE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!"  One annoyed passenger screamed toward the clusterfuck in question. 

A gentle announcement over the intercom by the gate agent did next to nothing to move the crowd back and out of the way of people just trying to make it to other gates in the main terminal. 
Fucktards as far as the eye can see
A clinical psychologist traveling to a connection in Charlotte offered some analysis. 
"I think somewhere deep in the recesses of the mind people are worried about being left behind." Dr. Rhonda Wilson noted, literally, in a tiny notebook. "It's fascinating to me that while we used to have to fight to survive each day, our fundamental instincts are now satisfied by the fight for overhead space." 
Southwest Airlines has figured out a way to stop the gate-clogging madness by lining people up in numerical order. Assholes who fly Southwest can be seen at the edge of the baggage carousel at your final destination, blocking your view because their bag is far more important.