Saturday, February 25

Doctor’s use of familiar terms disconcerting.

Newark,OH — Patients of Dr. Lawrence J. Mandarin, MD aren’t happy with his use of familiar, sometimes vulgar descriptions of bodily parts and functions.

“I think he’s just trying to put things in lay terms, but it’s not working,” said Jennifer Tolleson, a longtime nurse-assistant. “When a person comes in seeking relief from a vaginal yeast infection, they don’t want to hear their doctor say, ‘slap some of this on your whisker-biscuit.’”

Nathan Goldstein, a patient of Dr. Mandarin’s agreed. “I suffer from painful fissures in and around my anus, which is why I stopped in,” Goldstein said. “He told me to ‘slather my butthole with Bactroban 5% cream.’”

Dr. Mandarin says he’s just trying to put his patients at ease. “Sure, I know all the right terms. I graduated 2nd in my class from Johns Hopkins. But do people really want to hear all that medical jargon? Does that make them feel better?”

The doctor then got on the ground, threw his legs in the air and pointed to the underside of his crotch, “Maybe one in ten patients knows what a pernium is,” he grunted. “Call it a 'taint’ and you’ve just made a connection, my friend.”