Monday, March 6

Condemned prisoner's last meal a bit fussy.

Lucasville, OH — The last meal request of death row inmate Hank Trimble has the guards at Lucasville Maximum Security Prison running all over town.

“I had just got off a brutal shift that included a stabbing and an attempted escape, when the warden asked if wouldn’t mind gathering some wild mushrooms for Trimble’s risotto,” said Tom Randolph, a visibly bitter Senior Corrections Officer. “Dude goes on a meth-fueled killing spree and I end up scouring the woods with a tastefully-lined Longaberger basket.”

To make matters worse, victims rights protesters have surrounded the prison, making it difficult for the guards to dig the Tandoori pit needed to slow cook the organically-fed lamb. “I just try to tune them out,” said the guard in charge of digging the traditional four-foot-deep hollow. “I’m actually more interested in what wine he’s going with — my guy inside told me he’s leaning toward a Meritage, but I know that bitch. I’ll bet a carton of Marlboros that Trimble's going with a wimpy-ass merlot.”